Saturday, November 11, 2006

10 Things I Want To Do Before I Dye

Usually all our family dinners are rounded off by my questionnaires. That is the only time that I like to spend with my family.

Recently, at one such dinner, I passed a questionnaire titled Who Will Scry When You Die?, which incidentally is the working title of an abominable author named Robin Sharma. Even though nobody knows or understands why The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari sold so many copies, I can confirm the book has been translated into as many as 26 Indian languages. Why anybody from Orchha would want to read TMWSHF in Khariboli is beyond my realms of comprehension.

I have chronologically arranged my findings.

DAD:

  1. Audrey Munson, Marion Davies, Ann Sothern, Lauren Bacall, Vivien Leigh, Kim Novak, Hedy Lamarr, Monica Bellucci, Honor Blackman and our neighbor
  2. Make love to You shook me all night long (dad: the only shaking I ever get in bed is your mum tossing and turning) and last the entire song (mum)
  3. To serve & volley with Anna (reverend brother) Kournikova
  4. To be involved a ménage à trois full of votive flesh

BIL:

  1. To educate people that Miranda rights have everything to with drinking and 100% of all drunken driving cases begin in the form of drinking. No amount of head-banging, thumb-sucking panadol will ever alter that statistic
  2. To prove that the Holy Grail is a bottle of Glenfiddich Vintage Reserve 1973 and there is very little left of it
  3. DUI is not a French word
  4. To go to the Betty Ford Center atleast once
  5. To be as famous as Humphrey Bogart, Dean Martin, Shirley MacLaine, Jerry Lee Lewis, Hank Williams, Sr., Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley.
  6. To draw a semantic similarity between nautical terms and inebriation. Some of the terms include:

    Above board: Leaning over the ledge after one two many drinks
    Adrift: Pub hopping
    Gaff: Sound produced by sneezing with a mouthful of beer, eventually frothing at the nose. Kids, please do not try this at home
    Aid to Navigation: An un-drunk person
    Galley: A place you would find yourself for more alcohol after pubs in your city shut
    Luff: Confession of a drunk. Ex: I luff yer boofs.
  7. To replace our current national anthem with Philosopher's Drinking Song
  8. To educate people about the Twelve Steps program as defined by Alcoholics Anonymous. The program is as follows:

    1. If you are able to take twelve steps after six pints of beer, then you are eligible for another drink
    2. I am powerless over alcohol. I like the power alcohol exercises over me. Honesty deserves another drink
    3. I believe that God has invented alcohol. The Church will pay for your drink.
    4. Not to be ashamed that you belong to AA. Morality wins you another drink.
    5. To admit that you have a drinking problem. Infallibility wins you another drink.
    6. To believe that God will help you overcome your drinking problem. Between then and now, you can have another drink.
    7. Believe that God does have a cure for premature ejaculation, a.k.a, shortcomings.
    8. Willingness to pay all pub owners their rightful money. Collaboration deserves another drink.

    The 12 step program advocated by AA is really not a 12 step program. It is merely called a 12 step program. Usually at the end of the 12 step program, you would have had 8 more drinks technically though people tend to believe it is 12.
  9. To master the art of drinking and dancing together

PONGY:

  1. Learn the secret art of growing back my hymen
  2. To be inside a cockpit atleast once
  3. To stop using the word "whatever". Whatever
  4. Change my name to Chudasma Iona
  5. To start a website called http://www.loverslain.com. For the original, please visit http://www.loverslane.com
  6. To educate people that based on the size of His lingam, a man is divided into three classes: hare man, bull man and horse man. Based on the depth of Her yoni, a woman is divided into three classes: deer woman, mare woman and elephant woman

I didn't find the rest of them worthy of a mention. Some of them included:

  1. I want to meet Subhash Chandra Bose
  2. I want to meet Indira Gandhi
  3. I want to watch Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart play live
  4. I want to read the entire works of Jane Austen

What were they thinking?

Yours tentatively.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

:-) Fab ... Hope ur well..

12:34 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

I am as well as a dog with fleas can be.

How are you?

11:43 AM  
Anonymous riggs said...

Hello Q my friend,

I must apologise most profusely for my long absence from your blog. I have been struck with a malady I had heard much about but hadn't experienced ever. It is called work.

I am quite exhausted and promise to return soon. I hope all is well with you and yours. I shall see you soon on the Yoohoo.

Bye for now,

Yours Phatiguedly,

7:27 PM  
Blogger Sleep-Walker said...

post a copy to AA? for their house mag?

8:30 PM  

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