Marriage Vs Footloose and Fancyfree

Every night, the missus and I indulge in a body-sapping, gut-wrenching, mind-numbing, soul-invigorating activity; argument. The very act of it ensures that we limit our love expressive to words rather than action.

After last night's 1:00 AM argument on Television Channel Rights (she wanted to watch agro-farming and tending to rose buds on Doordarshan, while I wanted to watch Mexico Vs Angola), I thought I will dedicate this post to life before marriage and after it, in retrospect.

I am very sure, though I have done absolutely no research on this subject, there are many websites like http://www.studywhileyoudate.com, http://www.dontbesingleat60.com, http://www.bharatmatrimony.com, which are dedicated to understand female psyche. There are numerous blogs on innumerable blog sites that compare life before marriage and after life.

I am also certain that many men in high-geeky quotient schools all around the world have sacrificed their lives to compare these phases. You will be surprised to know that there is a McKinsey report on this subject and the statistics are alarming. Please try to grab a copy of it.

Given all the information you simply can't digest and the number of seedy jokes on Holy Matrimony, I fear my post will be just another ersatz.

Pardon me but I seem to have an innate fascination for bulleted lists. I am very excited about putting down my thoughts as pointers to ponder.

Before Marriage:

• Personal hygiene was unimportant or nonexistent. You could have the longest nails and your then girlfriend would tell all her friends, "My Jaanu has such dainty fingers with such gorgeous finger nails".
• Clothes could be untidy and unclean because they were going off anyways.
• MC/BC was acceptable. You could hear her whisper, "Oh he sounds so macho when he uses them..."
• Sex was an accepted form of love. Also, it was frequent. Also, it was adventurous. Also, impromptu.
• Shopping was restricted to buying clothes, shoes, sun glasses and occasionally sexy lingerie.
• You had more action in a movie theatre than on the screen.
• Pornography was unacceptable though small nuggets of it were allowed during long absences.
• Girl's best friend (colloquially chum) was a mild aberration in the scheme of things.
• Late night calls, kinky text messages during business meetings and love bites.

The list is endless. Marriage and after life are two sides of the same coin. Like the pundits will tell you, everything exists as a function of The Theory Of Duality; meaning, dating has only advantages while marriage bring about great instability.

Quickly moving onto the "grass is always green on the other side", After Life:

• Personal hygiene is pivotal for mutual existence. It is absolutely necessary to have no finger nails, clear ear lobes, nose-bogger free nostrils and other unmentionables. This is the first stage of transformation; from girl friend to Ministry of Health & Family Welfare. You can hear your wife say, "He is so uncouth. I wish I took your advise and bought that daschund..."
• You have to be prim and proper. Wear clean, ironed and crisp clothes. They are going off only to be replaced by a starched two piece night suit.
• You are condemned from using any four letter words such as "sex".
• The only time you encounter sex is on family insurance papers, car loan papers, house lease papers, personal loan papers and your seventeenth credit card. The chances are you might also notice the word on grade-C movie posters while you gape at them expectantly.
• Shopping is restricted to monthy groceries and occasionally a bottle of Phenyl.
• Suraj Barjatya is a household name. So is Karan Johar.
• Pornography is acceptable. You are allowed to watch National Geographic only when Kkusum is not being telecasted.
• PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome) takes undue importance in your life. You are warned by the judiciary not to be within 15 m of Her Highness. Please take this advise seriously and try it at home.
• Do I have to explain what Love Bites mean after marriage?
• You have to meet Chintu, Mintu and Pongy regularly, a bunch of new relatives you have to contracted by the virtue of marrying Her. If they weren't your wife's cousins, you would have gassed them without any guilt or shot them on general principles.

I want my informed reader to know and understand that I do not condemn the institution of marriage. Infact I embrace it. These citations are merely a Guide for you to make a decision, something like a manual or Kamasutra.

Your allegiance to use this Guide as The Ultimate Source and Tool for Critical Decision Making will hold you in good stead for all future challenges. At your peril.

Yours unbeknownstly.