The Day After Yesterday

It is common knowledge among the working class that geeks (scientific nomenclature: software engineers) enjoy a two day weekend while the rest of them in government organizations enjoy at five and a half day weekend. Though I do not personally personify "A Geek", I also happen to enjoy two day weekends.

Believe me or not, I have some friends who have spent the best days of their lives inside laboratories dissecting sciurids, bananas and other human anatomy or inventing infallible weighing machines or impregnable blow-up friends while I was playing computer games, meeting girls and watching movies. The point really is, all my friends are now really jealous of me since they do not enjoy two day weekends. Would you believe that?

So, I have decided to write about the high-points of my fun-filled weekend.

Saturday:

• 10:37: Woken up by Jhalak Dikhlaja belting in a muffled tone from under my pillow. It was my dad telling me that a plumber will visit us soon, to repair the broken WC. The WC was broken in the first place because the bottle of Lizol: Lavender WC Cleaning Liquid was empty and I hadn't paid enough attention to such toilet intricacies. My wife has a terrible habit of throwing anything in her vicinity when she is angry. I am just very lucky that she isn't Jeffrey Archer.
• 10:51: The servant maid rang the bell. I hurriedly put on my wife's night suit and rushed to open the door. The maid only rings three times. Incase you are in the middle of something important and unable to attend to her within those three bell rings, you end up cleaning the floor and washing the dishes. My wife is usually unmoved by these details.
• 11:11: The plumber finally arrived and I made sure I wore the right night suit this time. Showed him the way to the broken WC and jumped back into bed. Had this eerie feeling that we were filming Pati Patni Aur Plumber. I am not exactly your morning riser, the sort of spring chicken that jumps into action like a war movie. I hustle, bustle, turn, churn and make many beast like noises until my wife brings in her friendly cattle prod.
• 11:30: The plumber gave me a list of items that I needed to fetch for him to fix the WC, which included a new WC. By now, all my readers should have realized the WC was not nonfunctional but actually broken into two by a very angry wife. I offered the plumber 50/- as tip if he could bring the stuff to fix the WC.
• 11:47: The maid servant wanted Lizol: Lavender WC Cleaning Liquid, Prill: Green Gooey Utensil Cleaning Liquid and Scotch-Brite. I am not irresponsible but I know diddly-squat about these items. Ask me where the power drill is or the motorised chain-saw is and I can instantly tell you, they are in 2nd left drawer in my wife's chest-of-drawers.
• 12:00: Wife wanted me to choose from a selection of breads: bread with orange marmalade, bread with pepperoni cheese spread, bread with low-fat butter or bread with blue/green mould. I chose to have a glass of freshly boiled milk and cereal.
• 12:30: The plumber returned with a garish green WC and other necessary stuff. I am appalled and certain that plumbers do not have any sense of color and taste. My wife slinged a burnt piece of toast in my general direction hoping it would decapitate me. This angry reaction was induced by the repelling color of the WC. After hurling some abuses again in my general direction (wife), I offered to drive the plumber to buy a shit-friendly colored WC.
• 13:12: We returned (Plumber and I). She again wanted me to choose from a selection of breads. I offered to order-in. I could hear my wife giggling and whispering on the phone about Saturday Night Plans with her girlfriends while I was involved in a meandering conversation with the plumber. After half hour, I felt I could pursue a career in plumbing.
• 13:53: Food arrived. Ate. Offered plumber some food. He ate. Paid for plumbing services, which was humongous. He said, Sahab, mein bahut saare actors or actresses ke ghar mein commodes fix karta hoon. (For my international readers, Sir, I fix commodes of many actors and actresses).
• 14:07: Slept. Switched off phone.
• 18:12: Woke up and switched on the phone. Almost immediately received a call from Chintu's dad, my wife's cousin. He wanted us to come over to his place for dinner, which I politely declined. Honestly, nobody wants to have them for relatives. Their idea of Saturday nights involves eating dinner at 20:15 and at 21:30, I am not kidding you, Chintu's dad brings out Khuswant Singh's Party Jokes from his pocket and starts reading aloud for all of us to laugh. At 22:00, he offers us to watch some VHS Video Tapes of movies such as Anand, Mughal-E-Azam and Sholay that he recorded many moons ago. Technically, on Saturday nights, I like to have a drink or two or mney mreo, enjoy a sumptuous meal and sleep. Going to Chintu's place is the last thing I want to do even if everyone else in the world has been annihilated and he (not Chintu, his dad) is holding the entire stock of liquor on our planet.
• 21:07: Met some of my wife's business girlfriends. It is true, their bust lines are bigger than their IQ, not that I am complaining. We had drinks, dinner and dance. Got home at 1:13 hours and slept.

Sunday:

• 9:30: Call from my boyfriend; dad. Wanted to know if we were eating lunch at their place. I immediately said yes. I couldn't bear another day of 'Choose From A Selection Of Breads'.
• 10:30: Woke up. Ate another fresh bowl of cereal.
• 12:30: Went over to my folks place. My wife quickly ran over to my mum and read out her log of complaints against me. I acted like I was ashamed of not keeping a tab on the liquid levels of Lizol: Lavender WC Cleaning Liquid.
• 13:15: Ate lunch. My dad spoke to all of us at the lunch table about my impending credit card bills like they were of national importance. I had to tell him that it was inappropriate and rude to open other people's letters when he made a very pertinent point. He said, Your credit card bill is not like a letter from your girlfriend that I cannot open and see. I am your father.
• 14:30: Discussed sports with dad. Like always we broke into a huge argument about the composition of the Indian Cricket Team and World Cup Football '06, Germany, which led to my credit-card bills again.
• 14:31: Slept on the couch. After I found my wings to fly, my father converted my room into a dog kennel though he does not have any dogs.
• 16:32: My mother woke me up. She said, you know, the third Sunday of June means something. I obviously had no idea. I was then gently reminded by my wife that it was Father's Day. She keeps a tab on all kinds of days such as, When We Had Our First Argument Day, When We Registered Ourselves At The Health Club Day, When Your Mother Admitted That You Were Still A Boy Day, etc. Its okay to remember these days, but breaking WC's and hurling sharp objects at me since I forgot them is ridiculous. Sometimes, she also wants to celebrate them.
• 16:36: Greeted my dad and my Father-In-Law on their special day. I offered to take my dad for drinks and dinner and he readily accepted, dang. So, I was compelled to invite my FIL and MIL to go out for dinner with us. My wife was so thrilled, she promised not to have an argument at night.
• 20:00: Changed into clothes that were more socially acceptable. Went over to my dad's place. Indulged in a half hour discussion over moods and cuisine. If, you didn't know, they are joined very tightly at the hip (I mean, moods and cuisine).
• 21:00: Finally decided to eat food. Went to a joint where you could either sit on butt-aching wrought-iron chairs or on the ground. There was really no choice and given the general average age being over 45 and lots of Orthopaedic issues, we all decided to sit on the floor.
• 22:00: The food hadn't arrived and the men began eating the cutlery and several species of small furry animals. They were ready to turn cannibalistic.
• 22:11: Food arrived. Everyone ate and complained, like always. That wasn't hot, that was too hot, that was wee bit spicy, I wish they hadn't burnt the Tandoori so much, I was chewing on the same piece of chicken for 20 minutes, etc.
• 23:40: Paid the bill with yet another credit-card. Barely hugged my father and FIL and wished them all over again on their special day. Overhead my MIL tell my Mother, When he does these touching things, we want to accept him as our Son-In-Law.
• 00:12: Argued about Television Channel Rights. I am going to buy another television one of these days.
• 00:12:32: I slept.

I have let you all into my life where the paparazzi can never get. I had such a fun-filled weekend and I do hope you all did something similar. How exciting.

I do intend to continue this Monday Morning Column based on blog viewership.

Yours weekendly.