Cricket Basics For Housewives

I promised to dedicate a post to riggs/de riguer. Even though my knowledge on the subject of Cricket is limited to knowing how the game is played and our team composition since Farook "Brylcreem" Engineer, I believe, I have sufficient and necessary information to teach women (particularly those who like Salil Ankola for his looks and television theatrics rather than for his ability to bowl or lack thereof) about the game, fielding positions, rules, etc.

Also read riggs repertoire on this subject at http://sticky-wicket.blogspot.com/ . The only negative about knowing him is, they are schizophrenic.

I am not a cricket selector, so please do not ask me why Sachin Tendulkar is not playing in the current squad to West Indies. He is probably not playing because he hasn't scored well in domestic cricket.

Like always, I will have short, descriptive explanations for each of the following cricketing terms. I might occasionally draw similes for better understanding. That does not necessarily mean I have contempt for the game of Cricket. Should, any discrepancies arise, please regard them as a difference of opinion between Cricinfo and me.

• Cricket Bat: Much like what is used at a Dhobi Ghat. Specifications inclue: The bat when held orthogonal to the playing surface should not be taller than Tatenda Taibu. Wood is the only acceptable material as of now though there is a huge lobby of crazed environmentalists who codemn it. They have suggested, this is true, cardboard, rubber and steel as replacements. By playing the Genteelman's Game you agree not to cover the blade of your bat with pornographic suppliments. Incase, you are using a Kookaburra Kahuna, carbon-graphite is exempted. I am not kidding you, it was observed in a Pura Cup game, Ricky Ponting was batting without a cricket bat in his hand. He was found kicking the balls instead.
• Cricket Ball: Much like a Tennis Ball. Only heavier and harder. Everybody knows a ball may not weigh less than 5 1/2 ounces nor more than 5 3/4 ounces. (I do not know what ounces are) The ball cannot be bigger than a handful. No player can polish the ball with any artificial substance other than his crotch. The rule books says, this is true, "Any fielder may dry a wet ball on a towel". I am beginning to see the relevance, why Cricket hasn't gained the necessary popularity among women. The official balls are red and white in color though it has been noticed that Australians use Yellow balls for practice, West Indians use Black balls for practice, so on and so forth.
• Cricket Pitch: The actual playing area. It is a squarish bit of land of 22 yards in length and 10 feet in width. They increase the length of the pitch depending on the speed of the bowler. (It has been observed in a friendly between India and Pakistan, Shoaib Akhtar flinging the ball from the straight boundary at Sourav Ganguly) A Grand Jury comprising of an elected member from each Test playing nation (excluding Zimbabwe, Kenya and Bangladesh) decides whether a Pitch is fit to be played on. There is no specific composition for the playing surface though granite is not hugely popular.
• Cricket Wickets & Bails: Two sets of three wickets are pitched parallel to each other across 22 yards. When stumped into the playing surface; the entire length across the three stumps cannot be more than 9 inches. Also, they cannot be taller than India's One Game Wonder Parthiv Patel. Exception to the rule: The length across the stumps can be increased to 14 inches or one of the stumps be removed only when a fast bowler is in action. (There have been recorded citings of Sourav Ganguly challenging Bret Lee to bowl at his three imaginary stumps) The choice remains with the batsman. Two wooden bails are perched on the three stumps for show. The batsman has the choice to dispense the bails on a windy day.
• Bowling, Popping & Return Creases: Imaginary lines drawn parallel to the stumps, which can be adjusted by the batting side twice during the game.
• Umpire: When the game started way back in 1907 (then called gulli-danda), the game appointed only one umpire. Now they have four umpires, two on the ground, one in the comfort of an airconditioned cabin and one in the form of spectator vote. In all those grounds that cannot afford a huge projection screen, the captains have the final choice of declaring a batsman out. In all such cases, the three official umpires' decision will remain null and void. Incase an umpire is struck badly in the gonads by a ball, a replacement in the form of a family member from the bowling side is allowed to officiate for the rest of the match. In order to prevent this ridiculous disadvantage and unfair play, the batsmen have learnt to be wary of the umpire's gonads.
• Scorer: Two students studying 8th grade. With too many discrepancies arising from final scores, they have been replaced by Artificial Intelligence and kicked back into 6th grade.
• Players: Each team consists of 11 players, one 12th man, two waterboys and one masseur. Every team has a captain who is directly responsible for any monkey business on and off the field. He is usually the thinking cap of the team and is not required to excel in batting, fielding or bowling. Team India over the years has produced many captains with such calibre. During no part of the game can you bring in Big Bully Buck to bat, field or bowl since you are losing the game miserably.
• Toss: A coin flipped by a famous television personality, which usually decides the outcome of the game. For many years now, Team India has been goading Ramesh Sippy to trade the magical coin for Thakur Baldev Singh's arms.
• Runs: The purpose of the game. A run is complete when two batsmen standing on the opposite ends of the pitch run towards each other much like actors in Hindi movies. A batsman can score one run, two runs, three runs, four runs, five runs, six runs and seven runs. The possibility of scoring eight runs is bleak but not impossible. It requires a batsman to score two boundaries (4 runs) of consecutive balls.
• Outs: There are officially innumerable permutations for a batsman to get out. For the purpose of our basic guide, I have chosen ten types that include: bowled: when a batsman exposes his wickets and allows the ball to pass through his legs. timed out: when a batsman does not enter the playing field within 3 minutes of the fall of a previous wicket. The common timed out forms are falling asleep in the dressing room, taking too long to dress up, WC issues and missing crotch protection guards. caught: when a batsman strikes a ball and the ball is held by a fielder in the air before it bounces on the ground. Catches held by spectators are not out but rewarded with a free beer upon age identification. handled the ball: The batsman is not allowed to touch the ball with his hand. The rule was implemented as ICC's marketing strategy to make it a family game. hit the ball twice: the rule applies to all test playing nations except Kenya, Bangladesh and Zimbabwe. The ICC expects them to atleast hit the ball once. hit wicket: the possibility of its occurance is very bleak unless some very angry wives are playing the game. leg before wicket: the game's most controversial and confusing form of out. It is also contradicts handled the ball form of getting out. There is still no documented proof to determine how an umpire declares a batsman LBW. The legend says, umpires toss a coin to deterime the end result though there are no television replays that reveal this phenomenon. obstructing the field: incase a flasher, family member or a dog run into the playing field when a game is in progress, the fielding team has the right to appeal for this form of out. Given the number of dog citings in the past, ICC is ready to scrap it. run out: while accomplishing the task of a run, batsmen are obstruced on the field by the bowling team. Incase, the batsman is unable to dodge the fielder to reach the imaginary popping crease, the fielding team can knock off your bails. It is considered suicide in Cricketing terms. This form of out has spawned the emergence of Inzamam-ul-Haq and Arjuna Ranatunga as fine Cricket players. stumped: a sub-sect of run out. It involves enticing a batsman out of the imaginary crease by offering a snack and knocking off the bails.
• (Wide, Lost, Dead, No, Your) balls: wide ball though unacceptable by the Laws of Cricket, there have been citings of football being used to bowl. lost ball actually pronounced last ball by the English has gained popularity in South Indian Cricket. dead ball also famous with Indian Cricket means Dad bowl. no ball an act of playing book cricket.

It is impossible for me to write about all the cricketing terms in here. Also, this is only a basic course. You can register with me for An Advance Course In Fielding Positions for a small sum of money.

I do intend to write more on this topic right after Fourth Umpire.

Yours boycotting.