Mid-Week Crises

While, I am not particularly fond of Bollywood like all educated, sensible and non-Hindi speaking people, my wife lives in a myriad of Bollywood colors. She knows more about Shah Rukh Khan than she will ever know of me. I'm not fretting, really. I am just hoping SRK does not press charges against us.

Last night, with sublime Machiavellian planning, my wife managed to force me to watch Fanaa. Today's post is not about Fanaa because I did not watch the movie. While my wife appeared to be on the edge of her seat enjoying Hebrew poetry, I was busily achieving newer and higher records playing Snake II and Space Attack alternatingly. Honestly, I do not know what Fanaa means after 3 hours of acute misery.

Movie Story As Told By My Wife After Watching The Movie: Kajol is blind. Aamir Khan is not blind. Half way through the movie everyone figures out Aamir Khan is not a love-struck romeo but a terrorist. He steals a trigger to set off one of the seven nuclear weapons that the Indian Armed Forces are holding in different civilian houses spread over our country. He is stabbed and shot. He reaches Kajol's house. Soon after, Kajol is trained to shoot a gun and kills him. She returns the trigger and is awarded the Param Vir Chakra.

My today's post is on Ladies bags, totes, purses, etc.

There is a law that states the bigger the size of the bag and the countless compartments within it, the lesser are the chances you will find any money in it. Researchers in America have proven this world phenomenon though it continues to perplex them.

I have personally observed my wife remove from her bag a Rocket Launcher, M20A1B1 "Super Bazooka", Rocket propelled grenades (RPGs) and a Grumman F4F Wildcat, just because some guy on the street complimented her. She found them factitious.

Would you believe, my wife has eleven bags of different colors, shapes, sizes and textures. She has also acquired a bag from Japanese Women Association that produces, I am not kidding you, electric shock. She carries this bag, especially to all public gatherings that involve my family.

Two days ago, she and I decided to compare the contents of our respective money carriers.

Mine:

• Physical description: Three fold. Black. And fits into any of my trousers. Compartment to store credit-cards, money and a utility pouch to store loose coin change.
• It has been four years since I have changed my wallet.
• I usually have one thousand INR in my wallet.
• I have several credit-cards and have recently acquired an annex to just hold them. I am kidding.
• Picture of me when I was younger, thinner and unmarried.
• Picture of her when she was unmarried.
• A few bills of purchase.
• A cell-phone. In the other trouser pocket.
• Loose Change, incase, I have a sudden yearning to check my body weight.
• Driving License and other identification cards. I have also included a pledge that says, To whomsoever it may concern, this wallet and its attachments contain confidential and priviledged information belonging to me. If you are not me, please note any dissemination or distribution of the contents is strictly prohibited. If you have found my wallet as an act of stealing, please notify me. Thank you for your co-operation. Please dial the toll free number below for translation of this message into several Indian languages.

Hers:

• Physical description: Too many to mention. Also, I would like my readers to be a judge of the sheer monstrosity. All her bags have several compartments with a clue or a riddle in each of them leading me to the next riddle. It may take anywhere between three minutes and several hours to find money in her bag depending on the complexity of the puzzles. This is a true incident, I held back a taxi-wallah for forty five minutes while I found my way to the compartment in her bag that stashed money and paid 75/- extra as waiting charges.
• She changes her bags depending on the clothes, mood, weather, destination and believe me, What She Ate For The Previous Meal.
• I do not know how much she carries in her money purse. I am a gentleman.
• She carries several cards too that include Lifestyle card, Shoppers Stop card, Westside card, Cafe Coffee Day card, Barista card, Elite Customer at Archies and Hallmark card, Crossword Bookstore card and several other cards apart from credit-cards. Every bank is her customer.
• She has our entire album in her bag. Pictures include photos from Neanderthal Man to Chintu's dad. She also carries her 4th grade scrapbook.
• She has bills from her first ever proud purchase. It was in 11th grade when she used her dad's add-on credit-card to buy herself a bridal Barbie. Even tax-men throw away the bills but she never does.
• She carries two cell-phones. One of them is merely a contingency. What If?
• Loose Change enough to feed every beggar in our city. Incase, I have a sudden yearning to use a dumbell, you know what I use.
• She has a chewing gum wrapper with name, place and time on it. It was the first thing her brother got her when he flicked a rupee from Pongy's mum.
• She has movie tickets from six years ago. You could have easily guessed it, yes, this was the first late night movie she saw with her girlfriends without mummy & pappa.
• Platform tickets from five years ago. I do not remember their significance now.
• Safety pins, paper clips, stapler, stapler pins, several pens with different inks including a sparkles ink pen, pencils, erasers and a stationary shop.
• Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace.
• An Oxford Concise Dictionary.
• Several artefacts such as broken coffee mugs, strands of burnt cloth, a special enclosure that contains her first grey hair and her mother's guide to fix anything with Colin Cleaning Liquid including warts.
• Lady stuff like lipsticks, lipgloss, three kinds of hair brushes, mascara and a liliput beautician.

The list is simply endless. I have omitted many things that include eatables, self-protection tools including a machete and Build-Your-Home-Self-Help-Kit.

In the scheme of things, the bigger picture, monstrous handbags is least of my concerns.

Yours mid-weekly.