PMS - Private Messaging Service

As the title suggests, PMS is so far the best breeding place for cyber sex. I have to admit, over the years, I have indulged in many stimulating conversations, which has led to my unique ability; the ability to type with a single hand with the same proficiency, accuracy and speed. There is absolutely no shame in developing newer techniques to type.

I have befriended innumerable women, (I hope so) with whom I have shared many a roll of Kleenex. This turned out to be a compulsive, obsessive behavior, so much so, I started batting with a single hand.

Anyways, many years have passed since I quit this habit since I discovered voice-enabled, voice-recognition softwares. Now both my hands are free.

Subsequently I got married and everything came to a grinding halt. Several guys dressed in drag were replaced by my wife. My internet usage is now restricted to booking tickets, uploading and downloading pornographs of my family from various websites, checking email, helping my FIL and MIL find lyrics to songs since 1926, etc. My PMS life suddenly died an overnight death.

I still fear, a number of faceless buddies eagerly waiting for me to [insert] my [spacebar] into their [backspace].

Little did I know or was I aware that my wife also had/has/will continue to have till death do us apart a PMS life. When I first heard about it in theory, I was super excited. I could visualize my wife and I, sitting in different rooms with our computers and indulging in PMS till I truly discovered the meaning of it.

Medically, PMS means Psychotic Men Slayers though the more widely accepted definition is Premenstrual Syndrome. I have been brought up in a matriarchal society, by which I mean, my mum bullies my father, my brother bullies me and now my wife bullies me. Neither my mum nor my brother have displayed this syndrome in all the years I have known them. Apparently, this condition is pronounced different by the French, Italians and Germans. No, I am just kidding. PMS is severe in some women, while it is nonexistent in many men. My wife happens to belong to the former subdivision.

A Guide: What To Look Out For When Your Partner Is Beginning To Turn Genocidal. (This guide is purely meant for straight men. I do not take any responsibility for your killing.)

PMS is often associated with physical and emotional symptoms. Commonly noticed symptoms include:

• Breast swelling and tenderness. I strongly advise you men folk not to get too excited by this new development. Touch them and you are carcass.
• Joint and muscle pains. Don't call them old. Not just yet.
• Headache. Do you all understand what a preying mantes is?
• Food cravings. Stock up banana, pineapple, strawberry and kiwi flavored icecreams. You never know what she wants to eat.
• Tension, mood swings and crying spells. All self-explanatory.

Once you have observed very keenly for any one of the aforementioned symptoms, its extremely simple. Stay the beep away. See if you can find a business trip or a one week holiday to your parents' place or lock yourself inside a room for a week and lose the key. I am not exactly advising you to do any of these things but they have all worked for me.

With great adversary comes greater contingencies. We all need to counter-attack this syndrome. Logically speaking, you have two options.

• Follow my instructions on Do's and Don'ts.
• ASPMS - Acquired Symptomatic Premenstrual Syndrome. (For this it is necessary to wax your legs, armpits and chest hair and develop breasts)

Do's:

• Take her out shopping. Invest.
• Take her out to watch a movie. Make sure it is not overtly sexual or gory.
• Cook her a meal.
• Watch Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi with a genteel smile.
• Call Chintu's dad and invite yourself for dinner on Saturday night. Laugh at all his jokes and finally offer to take him on an all expense paid trip to an exotic destination.
• Compliment your FIL's dress sense.
• Offer your MIL the keys to your new car. Road kill.
• Agree to take Pongy, Chintu and Mintu to watch Kkrish and to an amusement park.
• Initiate foreplay and afterplay and forget about the sex.

Don'ts:

• Exercise regularly, get enough sleep, choose a healthy diet, don't smoke.
• Avoid excess salt, chocolates and alcohol.
• Make sure you have enough vitamin suppliments. Take 500 mg tablets of Diazepam everytime you wake up.
• Do not mention your ex-girlfriends and how they didn't suffer from PMS.
• Do not talk about your first date.
• Do not say anything about the door-knobs. Women during PMS react adversely when you speak of door-knobs in a derogatory fashion.
• Do not say anything bad about the curtains, foot mats, table mats or the fine silver bone china. Speaking anything against inanimate objects might result in euthanasia.
• Do not say anything against your in-laws. Extreme cases like mine have resulted in six-month celibacy.
• Do not say why do you need so many STs?
• Do not talk about child birth.
• Do not use the word sex. If it is unavoidable, please use the word gender.

And lastly, please hope your wife never develops PMDD. (An advanced case of PMS that usually results in blood-shed. In case you detect it early enough, please offer you wife heavy doses of Sertraline with ample Vodka.

Yours partly privately.