KKrishtopher Leeve

Everybody in my family expect me is happy about the government's order to block blogs. That comes as a surprise, honestly. When I told my dad about it yesterday evening, he said, Thank God, atleast now you will stop making fun of my erectile-dysfunction in public. I never realised it made such a big difference to him.

I had to speak to The High Commission of India* to let me access my blog and publish new posts. All I had to say was, Tere saahib ko bolo, mein ek bahut bada VIP aadmi hoon. Soon after this short SMS to THOCI's phone, my blog was restored to normalcy.

My wife is ecstatic after watching Kkrish: A Caped Indian Hero for the third time, a few days ago. Apparently, my wife's Alma mater is now doing a case study on, this is true, the success of Kkrish. A huge argument extravasated between us when I remarked, Ha-ha, it appears your booby hatch** has way too much time and nothing important to do. I have yet again lost my bedroom rights***.

What they (makers) had to say about Kkrish:

• Kkrish is not a copy of Superman***** primarily because his kacha is ungraspable. (This alteration from the original script has raised a furor among movie-goers, who are now asking the important question, Is it de rigueur to wear a kacha on the outside?)
• There are several doubts about Superman's ability to father a child while Kkrish is proud father of a healthy baby boy named Kal-L.
• Due to unavailability of dates, Marlon Brando could not play the role of Kkrish's dad. A self-portrait of Kkrish was developed to play his own father since nobody was willing to play his dad including Rakesh Roshan. Amrish Puri was unavailable for comments.
• Kkrish unlike Superman possesses a vestigial thumb. Apparently, Kkrish derives his energy from jerking this thumb several times a day. In the later versions of the movie, this vulnerability will be readily available for the bad guys.
• Unlike Superman, Kkrish bleeds. The director re-did the action sequences of the movie after screening the premiere, when many movie-goers said, Oh C'mon, this can't be true.
• Unlike Superman, Kkrish is not from a different planet. Kkrish is fruit of a derelict father and Pat Welsh.

Following the phenomenal success of Kkrish, Filmcraft is toying with the idea of remaking The Matrix, titled Jantar Mantar with Hrithik Roshan playing Neo, Sushmita Sen playing Trinity and this is true, Dr. Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam playing Morpheus. Filmcraft believes in bringing avant-garde cinema to the Indian masses.

Story: (Only Spoiler)

Kkrish, the movie, begins with a bucolic and hideous looking butterball, drawing caricatures of his dead dad and mom. The granny is so impressed with his work; she enrolls him at Art Center, Pasadena. Kkrish has other plans. He decides to remain a proletarian, playing gully cricket with a bunch of retards. While Kkrish is mastering the art-form of being Charlatan**** Heston, Lois Lane arrives in the pahadis.

Lois Lane in an act of utter stupidity decides to go hang gliding****** when the operation goes horribly wrong and in a single-act of dare-devilness Kkrish much like Chow Yun-Fat flies over trees and saves Lois Lane. This act of kindness proves cataclysmic. Soon Lois Lane is introduced to Kkrish and they fall in love.

Lois Lane returns to Singapore and Kkrish also goes to Singapore, this is true, in search of his loin cloth, the one Lois Lane disappears with, after their one night in the bush. In Singapore, he discovers the many joys of other women.

While he is in Singapore, he hears about Lex Luthor (not played by Gene Hackman) who is building a one-stop-mall for all your family needs. In order to save the human population, especially men population from near extinction, he kills Lex Luthor and saves his dad.

He then takes Lois Lane and Jor-L back home, only to find out his granny is Nick the Van Driver.

The movie draws its ideas from Superman, Men in Black, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and Shawshank Redemption.

The film director is hoping that The Film Federation of India will choose Kkrish to represent India in the Original screenplay category. Ha-ha.

Yours kentlee.

* I met the THCOI in Singapore. We were both at the same mujra. After that day, I have been fleecing him handsomely.

** Sometimes referred to as Bra. My wife has studied at one of those B-schools, which expects you to have defended atleast two dissertations, published several white papers and aged close to fifty years. On the subject of white papers, I have published many too.

*** The rights restrict me from bringing my laptop into the bedroom. I am usually very happy to lose them. I am still practicing the art of concealed glee.

**** A cheap pun on Charlton Heston.

***** Apparently, during the filming of Superman Returns, Bryan Singer was confronted with an unusual dilemma. This is absolutely true and I am not making up any of it, Brandon Routh's package was really huge. The movie was delayed for several months while the Art Division team tried unsuccessfully to create a padded underwear that could conceal his proportions. Singer was facing three problems

• He had to film his entire film without beaming below Routh's upper torso; which was quite impossible.
• The design team offered a brilliant idea; replace Superman's tights and the conspicuous underwear with pyjamas. This was definitely impossible.
• Incase Singer screened the movie without a contingency plan, he was risking a NC-17 (No One 17 And Under Admitted) rating from MPAA, which would mean, his target audience was restricted to people from Dwight David Eisenhower's administration.

After much deliberation, Singer ordered a Hydrocele be performed on Routh. The movie was stalled for four months during this commotion, thereby compelling Singer to make Titanic Revisited.

****** I am still trying to understand, which part of If at first you fail; hang gliding is not for you didn't she understand.