Chinese Horoscope Refreshed

I am absolutely crestfallen and inconsolable. France lost and Zizou's head-butting trend will be the newest form of greeting a friend. I am not certain but my inside sources report, Zizou lost his temper when Materazzi said "Hé Zizou, how are those genoux (knees) algériens holding up?"

Let me clear the air for all my avid readers. Absolutely nothing happened the other night after our love talking at the restaurant. I am being honest. I do not lie, not atleast to you beautiful people.

Like all urban educated people, my wife and I love Chinese food. I have to admit, I have never ever visited a place, like Haridwar, where I have noticed locals order Char kway teow and water it down with Coca-cola. This strange phenomenon is a hit with only urban educated folk. Scientific studies have proven that this chinese phenomenon is more prevalent among men and women who are clueless about the art of cooking. They have a Maggi 2 Minute Noodles addiction. Also, urban educated people believe large portions of Chinese cooking with lots of Monosodium glutamate will give rise to babies with Chinese features. I am not kidding you all but, this is true, at a high-class Chinese restaurant, I saw a couple asking for Aji no Moto and mumbling that they didn't serve it.

Anyways, my point is, at all Chinese Restaurants, to make asses out of their customers, the stewards serve Kimchi (a Korean delicacy) and a Chinese calendar that features twelve animals while they run into the neighborhood to catch frogs. Incase, you haven't noticed, studies reveal, if the waiting period between ordering and eating a chinese meal is calculated, the communism in China can be easily eradicated. Also, as a part of, this is true, anger management, psychiatrists compel patients to order as many Chinese meals as possible.

Imagine this daily scenario:

You are at a Chinese restaurant. After placing an order for soups and hors d'oeuvre, the steward brings in a big bowl of Kimchi that includes napa cabbage, cucumbers, carrots, a bunch of scallions and kohlrabi sautéed with several chunks of Offal food. While your family and you gormandize on this unsavory and unappetizing Korean delicacy, the steward brings in several copies of the Chinese calendar that hasn't been reprinted since 1962. Starting with everyone present at your table, your adjacent table, your opposite table and if possible all the tables in the restaurant, your father, sister or your mother will read aloud their respective Chinese horoscopes and laugh incredulously while you are frothing at the face with embarrassment. This process continues till food arrives at your table. (You will also experience giggles and chuckles when one of them will say, Hey you are a sheep or a rooster or a snake.)

Incase, you visit the same restaurant or another Chinese restaurant again the next day with a different bunch of people, someone in your group, as insane as your family will repeat the process until food arrives. If, you happen to, for some incredibly stupid reason, visit the same restaurant with your family the following day, your dad or mother or sister will continue their Christmas cheery mirthfulness till the food arrives.

I can vividly explain these scenarios only because, I have experienced them.

• The Rat: The most common uninvited pets that destruct your clothes and food. The best known rat species are Black Rats (Rattus rattus) that are present in all households. The species that was responsible for the invention of The Pied Piper Of Hamelin.
  
  In Hindu mythology, rats have a significant presence too. Lord Ganesh is always associated with a friendly neighborhood rat as his ride. It has been sighted, in some parts of America, for the revered Ganesh Chaturthi festival, Indians, especially south-Indians, were found praying to Bandicota bengalensis, since they could not procure an idol of the Lord.
  
  Rat people are hugely charming, affectionate, attractive and very mouse-like. They are also clairvoyant and insightful. Last sighting: Mousehunt. The movie, The Secret Of NIMH, an adaptation of Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH is a true story based on my wife's family.
  
  Warfarin continues to be the keys to good health for a Rat!
  
  Greatest Affinity: Cheese.
  Greatest Enmity: Cat.
  
  
• The Rabbit: Rabbits brought about the resurgence of Cuniculture. Rabbits are the reason why Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) denounced family-planning, which was later popularized by, Gandhi. Pbuh instead asks all his disciples to follow Azl, the Latin substitute for coitus interruptus. It is no surprise that rabbit people can produce eighteen offspring every 3 months. It still remains to be a medical mystery.
  
  In the movie Attack Of The Killer Rabbits, humans are domesticated and spayed by mutant rabbits. American Moslem Foundation criticized the movie for spaying, this is true, some moslem men.
  
  Bunnies, interchangeably used with rabbits have given rise to many kinks including Sexy Bunny Costumes and Bugs Bunny among children.
  
  Rabbit people are the luckiest ones! They are cautious, business minded and naturally shy peacemakers. They inspire deep admiration and trust. The only recorded case of Treponema cuniculi (Rabbit Syphilis) occurred in USA when a man was found beeping a mail-order-bunny.
  
  Kill The Wabbit! is one of the keys to good health for a Rabbit!
  
  Greatest Affinity: Carrots, Bugs Bunny.
  Greatest Enmity: Elmer Fudd.
  
  
• The Dog: Canis lupus familiaris is a loyal, honest and an obedient guardian of the house at night. In dog years, on an average, a man can live upto 8 years. A few basic breed types of dogs have evolved gradually during the domesticated dog's relationship with man over the last 10,000 or more years. I personally think that's sick.
  
  Dog people are not very social and are better with one-behind-the-other relationships. The phrase "It's a dog eat dog world" brought about the 69 revolution. Dog people have sharp tongues and have been found to wag them at times.
  
  Dog Day Afternoon is a complex movie about the labyrinthine relationship between Attica (a dog) and a man, when the man (hostage) exhibits loyalty to Attica (dog). Based on the movie, in 1973, The Norrmalmstorg robbery occurred. The movie was condemned by movie critics all over the world for creating life-like situations. This condemnation spawned the "Based On True Story" movie revolution.
  
  Antifreeze is the one of the keys to good health for a Dog!
  
  Greatest Affinity: Women.
  Greatest Enmity: Other dogs.
  
  
• The Pig: My wife's side of the family.
  
  
• The Monkey: Hugely popularized when Valmiki wrote Ramayana. Semnopithecus (Hanuman) was the protagonist of the epic. The story is about how a monkey rescues a lady from the evil clutches of Dasagriva and elucidates the inadequacies of a much beatified Prince. It is a poignant tale of insubordination. The fable was ably marketed by our erstwhile Doordarshan. Hanuman also featured as a winged monkey in The Wizard of Oz.
  
  Such was the popularity of the show; the Chinese then remade Ramayana for China, titled, Journey To The West written by Valmiki-san. Hanuman was replaced by Sun Wukong, a fictional character.
  
  The monkey then made inroads into Chinese martial art as a form of Monkey Kung Fu. The most famous version of Monkey Kung Fu is Drunken Monkey, which my BIL has mastered. This style involves flapping his hands and legs in jerky and confusing movements, in an attempt to grab a bottle of Merlot purely in self-defense.
  
  Monkey people have an innate ability to make fools of themselves. Grooming, a form of bestial petting was also introduced to humans by monkey people. Monkey people have a burning desire for knowledge.
  
  Tweeter And The Monkey Man is one of the keys to good health for a Monkey!
  
  Greatest Affinity: Banana split.
  Greatest Enmity: Humans aping them.

I have covered the characteristics of all the animals in my family. I never bothered reading the rest of them. Incase, anyone wants me to send you your Chinese Horoscope, I am willing to do that for a plate of Chicken 65.

Yours ofunwong.