Chintu's Saalgirah Mubarak!
Introductions:
I am ashamed but I have to admit, I do not know how many siblings my wife has. Almost every Sunday, my wife has a quick-fire round on who's who in my family quiz questions, which I always fail. My best figures to date have been 4/10.
Yesterday happened to be Chintu's birthday and for the first time I realised Chintu was my wife's nephew, by which I mean, Chintu's dad is my wife's own biological brother. My initial reaction was not surprise but dismay, which possibly caused another argument between us about the validity of the truth.
Chintu's dad is an ostentatious, boorish man who made it big during the dot-com outburst. He is a nice sort of bloke when you don't have to meet him in person. I do not particularly dislike him but dislike my entire set of in-laws, without prejudice. I cannot possibly tell you all the reasons here since I make a very clear distinction between my personal and professional life.
It was Chintu's 12th birthday and they sent out an outrageous invitation with innumerable spelling mistakes. The party was at Chintu's farm house, 53 kms from where we lived. I was definitely not keen on going to a kid's birthday party. Not because, it was far out or I had to meet my in-laws but simply because it was ridiculous to drive 53 kms to sip on Pina Colada.
The invitation also mentioned in bold "keepink with our Sun's lickings V hav decided 2 hav a team party for him. The team is: Super Heros". This was ridiculous because, neither did I have the time to go and buy myself a costume nor did I have something ready in my wardrobe for it. I told my wife I will play Clark Kent and put on a fine 3-piece suit. She called me an uncreative & unimaginative lout and proceeded donning her artificial talons.
I wanted to gift Chintu books (Enid Blyton, P.G. Wodehouse, etc.) and give him a headstart with the art of book-reading while my wife wanted to buy him replicas of American Militia that included hand grenades, guns and a rocket launcher. After an enormous argument we settled for a Pooh Bear Soft Toy. I am just kidding. We got him several violent gifts. We are honing him to be a terrorist.
We reached the venue at 20:30 hours. The place was already teeming with dozens of Supermans, Spidermans, Hulk Hogans, Undertakers (to shift some old members), Elektras, He-mans, etc. The congregation of Mattel Toys.
Happy Birthday:
The place was beautifully done up. I am not very fond of outdoor gatherings but this was exquisite. The had a two huge figurines of Alien vs Predator swaying perilously in the darkness of the night threatening to cut loose and kill us all.
While all of us looked like jokers (me in a 3-piece suit), Chintu was dressed normally in a sherwani on the day of his marriage. What I am trying to convey is, is he was dressed in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Apparently, he wanted to play Tarzan and his parents weren't willing to let him prance around on his 12th birthday in a loin cloth. Also, at the party were present many 12 year old girls.
The cake was half-a-face of Spiderman and the other half of Batman. That kid already had a crooked mind. All of us gathered and huddled around him and just when we were all going to sing the Happy Birthday song, his grandfather, meaning, Chintu's father's father and my wife's father broke into a monologue.
He briefly told us all about the History of Happy Birthday To You while Chintu matured into a fully blown adult during that period of time. Eventually, Chintu was allowed to cut the cake. A mere miracle happened at that moment. Chintu's grandfather was singing the original version of Good Morning To All, while a few of us including me sang the more popular version Go Chintu, It's your birthday, We gon' party like it's your birthday, We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday, And you know we don't give a fcuk, cause it's not your birthday!
Did anyone know Marilyn Monroe performed Happy Birthday, Mr. President? That is the only detail I remember from my FIL's discourse.
Menu:
I am ashamed but I have to admit, I do not know how many siblings my wife has. Almost every Sunday, my wife has a quick-fire round on who's who in my family quiz questions, which I always fail. My best figures to date have been 4/10.
Yesterday happened to be Chintu's birthday and for the first time I realised Chintu was my wife's nephew, by which I mean, Chintu's dad is my wife's own biological brother. My initial reaction was not surprise but dismay, which possibly caused another argument between us about the validity of the truth.
Chintu's dad is an ostentatious, boorish man who made it big during the dot-com outburst. He is a nice sort of bloke when you don't have to meet him in person. I do not particularly dislike him but dislike my entire set of in-laws, without prejudice. I cannot possibly tell you all the reasons here since I make a very clear distinction between my personal and professional life.
It was Chintu's 12th birthday and they sent out an outrageous invitation with innumerable spelling mistakes. The party was at Chintu's farm house, 53 kms from where we lived. I was definitely not keen on going to a kid's birthday party. Not because, it was far out or I had to meet my in-laws but simply because it was ridiculous to drive 53 kms to sip on Pina Colada.
The invitation also mentioned in bold "keepink with our Sun's lickings V hav decided 2 hav a team party for him. The team is: Super Heros". This was ridiculous because, neither did I have the time to go and buy myself a costume nor did I have something ready in my wardrobe for it. I told my wife I will play Clark Kent and put on a fine 3-piece suit. She called me an uncreative & unimaginative lout and proceeded donning her artificial talons.
I wanted to gift Chintu books (Enid Blyton, P.G. Wodehouse, etc.) and give him a headstart with the art of book-reading while my wife wanted to buy him replicas of American Militia that included hand grenades, guns and a rocket launcher. After an enormous argument we settled for a Pooh Bear Soft Toy. I am just kidding. We got him several violent gifts. We are honing him to be a terrorist.
We reached the venue at 20:30 hours. The place was already teeming with dozens of Supermans, Spidermans, Hulk Hogans, Undertakers (to shift some old members), Elektras, He-mans, etc. The congregation of Mattel Toys.
Happy Birthday:
The place was beautifully done up. I am not very fond of outdoor gatherings but this was exquisite. The had a two huge figurines of Alien vs Predator swaying perilously in the darkness of the night threatening to cut loose and kill us all.
While all of us looked like jokers (me in a 3-piece suit), Chintu was dressed normally in a sherwani on the day of his marriage. What I am trying to convey is, is he was dressed in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Apparently, he wanted to play Tarzan and his parents weren't willing to let him prance around on his 12th birthday in a loin cloth. Also, at the party were present many 12 year old girls.
The cake was half-a-face of Spiderman and the other half of Batman. That kid already had a crooked mind. All of us gathered and huddled around him and just when we were all going to sing the Happy Birthday song, his grandfather, meaning, Chintu's father's father and my wife's father broke into a monologue.
He briefly told us all about the History of Happy Birthday To You while Chintu matured into a fully blown adult during that period of time. Eventually, Chintu was allowed to cut the cake. A mere miracle happened at that moment. Chintu's grandfather was singing the original version of Good Morning To All, while a few of us including me sang the more popular version Go Chintu, It's your birthday, We gon' party like it's your birthday, We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday, And you know we don't give a fcuk, cause it's not your birthday!
Did anyone know Marilyn Monroe performed Happy Birthday, Mr. President? That is the only detail I remember from my FIL's discourse.
Menu:
It is true, Chintu's lineage is a confused one. I do not mean to disrespect their sexual proclivities but merely let my uninformed readers know that they are a family of many colors, races and mother tongues.
Technically speaking, Chintu's real name could be Arvind Donatello Balvinder Velkezu Kumaraswamy Lovely Sherpa. I am being serious.
This information is a necessary. It acts as a precursor to what you may expect.
- Bisi Bela Huli Anna. I have absolutely NO idea what it means. Identifiable Ingredients: Rice.
- Baingan Da Burtha. Identifiable Ingredients: None.
- Makki Di Roti. Looked harmless. Nothing was going jump out and grab me. Identifiable Ingredients: Butter.
- Chiau Ko Tarkari. Identifiable Ingredients: None.
- Golveda Ra Dhaniya Ko Achaa. The name of this item was so long the placard couldn't accommodate it. My wife told me later that the last word was achaar.
- Drumstick Leaf Errisery (Loose Consistency Curry). I asked my wife, if that was the translation of the dish into English and she asked me not to be silly.
- Arrosto Morto. Identifiable Ingredients: Butcher's Cleaver. I kept my wife away from this item.
- Cappelletti. Identifiable Ingredients: Italian.
Desserts:
- Lassi Patiala
- Vermicelli Payasam
- Strawberry Custard, Fruit Salad & Jelly. (for the kids)
- Zuppa Inglese
On our way home, I bought a big loaf of bread.
Fashion Faux Paus:
No party would be complete without mentioning a few of the well dressed men & women.
- I was dressed as Clark Kent. When Chintu did not agree with me being a super hero, I immediately thrust myself forward like I was flying and missed the floor completely. I was going to be nice to Chintu only one more time. I grabbed my wife's dupatta and tied it around my neck like a cape.
- My wife was dressed as Bat Girl with a dupatta. She had to do that because she was barely fitting into her leather pants.
- Chintu's great-grand father was also dressed as Superman. He was in a wheel-chair.
- Chintu's mum was dressed as Lil'Mermaid. She couldn't move throughout the party.
- Chintu's dad wasn't dressed up. He was naturally Hanuman.
- Chintu's grand dad (also my FIL) was dressed as Austin Powers. I kept telling him throughout, at his age, he is, The Spy Who Gagged Me.
- One of Chintu's uncle was dressed as Shaktimaan. Its really hard to describe him.
There were lots of them worth a mention. I only have space for Chintu's immediate family.
Kudos!
It was a great party after all! We thanked our hosts especially Chintu's mum who couldn't get out of her chair. The party wound up around 0:30 hours. It was time for all of us to leave when Chintu's dad brought out his big present.
It was a power tools set.
- Brute Breaker Demolition Hammer
- Extra Heavy-Duty Self-Tapping Fastener Screw Driver
- 23" Benchtop Abrasive Cutoff Machine
- Heavy-Duty Variable Speed Top-Handle Jigsaw
We were all surprised by the mere monstrosity of these tools. They were all real. Chintu's dad then informed us that his son showed an inclination towards carpentry and they believed in letting their child follow his dreams.
Take-away Gifts:
When I opened our take-away gift, I noticed a packet of condoms with a note that said Please Learn From Our Mistake.
Yours happy singhly.
posted by qwerty at 2:21 PM
13 Comments:
qwerts... i am surprised that the menu did not include idiappam with thai green curry or the idli with salsa sauce.
Okay Qwerts...
Firstly I think you might be close enough to receiving a nobel prize for remembering almost all items on the menu.
Whoaa what a birthday party. I want my 60th birthday to be like Chintu's. I also want someone to dress up as Jaun Claude Van Damn just for entertainment.
Just a query... Did anyone sing the Version that goes.... " Happy Birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you smell like a monkey and you look like one too." Please no offence but apparantly this is also a trendy version. Go figure...
My lucky day... I read your post before Riggster today...
Hello Skirts,
Me too. But technically speaking you had enough substitutes such as, Drumstick Leaf Errisery & Cappelletti, Makki Di Roti La Zuppa Inglese Delicante (A whole meal), etc.
I would appreciate it greatly, if you could send a list of suggestions for my wife's dog party.
Hi F,
Thank you for being another of my ardent blog readers.
It was very simple, F. The items on the menu were both intastable & unforgettable.
I can dress up like Jean-Claude Van Da on your 60th birthday, if you like.
Yes, we all sang that version at my MIL's birthday. Please no offense too.
I know, so much for saying do you time the difference between my comment and your post? Just to figure that out, I am being serious, I sat all day at office with a stop watch waiting for riggy's first comment.
I intend to sue him.
Susriakal Qwerty Paaji!
On a very serious note, I am an event manager by profession and I would like to hire the decorator of this fine party for my events. It seemed spectacular. Especially Alien Vs Predator which is my favourite family movie after Gandhi. The part where the Predator lusts for the stacked as a brickyard earth-girl and then proceeds to save her life brought tears to my eyes.
Does Chintu Di Papa wish to adopt? I am a 34 year old, event manager, in great shape (round is a shape) and am looking for a sugar daddy.
Especially one that has a power tool. Oops. Power Tool Set.
I am amazed that your blogs only get funnier. The lawyer I am hiring for protection from you thinks so too. I am sorry you stopwatched today of all days. I was at an event and the wify didn't work. Since I WAS married once, I know that wify's are just like wifies and I know you will agree. I promise I shall send you a comment within 5 minutes of your post tomorrow.
Eagerly awaiting Mintu and Pongy's birthday parties as well.
Hi Riggs,
Heh heh, so you watched that movie too? I was forced to take Chintu, Mintu and Pongy for it.
You have such an illustrious career being an event manager. I would like to do something cool like that. On a very serious note, can we be business partners? I can provide all the creative inputs and you can simply execute them. We can share the profits in the ratio 60:40. 60 to you and 40 to me. I am a man of few needs.
I am not very sure if Chintu's papa would like to adopt you. After several glasses of Lassi Patiala, he told me, they are desperately trying to lose Chintu. His parents are taking him on a holiday next month with the same hope.
Yes, wi-fis and wifeys are one and the same. I do not know how both of them function. That was a super pertinent point.
Mintu's & Pongy's birthdays went by before I started blogging. You will have to wait a full year.
qwerts....Before deciding on a menu, I need a few clarifications:
a) Date of birth of the dog.
b) Age of the dog.
c) Dog's breed
d) Whether the dog is vegetarian / non vegetarian?
e) How long has the dog been with your wife?
f) Whether the dog has a partner (and gender of such partner)?
g) Number of guests...along with details of the breed and age of each guest
h) Brief description on the temprament of the dog
i) Would you be inviting homo sapiens to the party? If yes, how many and in what age group.
Once you clarify the above, I may need further clarifications to find your wife and her dog the PERFECT menu
oops.... in all the excitement, I forgot mentioning that the clarifications are sought by me, skirts :)
Hi Skirts,
a) Sometime in Y-ending month names / This century.
b) Less than the number of years of my marriage.
c) Male.
d) What is Pedigree?
e) Refer to answer b)
f) Not sure. If any, I am ill-informed.
g) 102 Dalmatians.
h) Much like my wife. Is that brief?
i) Only Glenn Close.
Now, please send me your clarifications.
tch tch tch!!! i though your answers would be a bit more detailed. Unfortunately your response dont help in ze makings of a perfect menu.
Also, would you like ze recipes???
Hi Skirts,
Iz yu ze French?
You should have got him the pooh bear soft toy... it would have balanced out the long lasting impact of the power tools on his nascent psyche.
well... who cares if he went on to be spotted in consenting/compromising positions with Mintu
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