Tom, Dick and Marry

I have a nondescript brother. If I am the black sheep of the family, to call him anything will be racial. What he doesn't make up in weight, compared to me, he amply makes it up with stupidity.

He is easily considered the missing link in our otherwise perfect family. Born between my sis and me, he is in the middle of nowhere. That also explains the age gap. I do not know what he is upto these days. My father and I strongly believe, he is a closet gay.

Every now and then, we keep hearing about him on the radio or seeing him on the television. Sometimes, he is a celebrity hairdresser or celebrity disc jockey or celebrity bartender. I spot him at social dos at times, clad in a peach pin-stripe suit and blonde hi-lites. He is always rubbing shoulders with the beau monde, by which, I mean, serving us drinks.

Co-incidentally, his favorite singers are Freddie Mercury, Boy George, Aretha Franklin, George Michael, Marilyn (if memory serves me right, he/she/it sang the hit single Calling Your Name) and ofcourse, Eminem.

While we were burning midnight oil heating upto Cricket at odd hours, our pal continued to chew every fashion magazine. It is no wonder, my sis loves him to pieces. Even as a kid, when we were playing Cricket, Football and Honey! I Stained Your Couch, he was busy crossing his legs and learning the art of smocking.

At one point, he even had a girlfriend. We are still trying to find out, why?

Anyways, while I had enough writing about my bro, I decided to browse through Blogs Of Note for creative flagellation. I insist, everyone who reads my blog also read Rasheed. After a few lines, I was scrimmaging with my education. I, then realised, why our brothers from the Middle-East insist on As-Salaam-Alaikum to Yo, wassup doug?

A few months ago my brother decided to, hold your breath, get married. Instead of telling us, his family about this huge decision, he decided to publicize this matter over the Internet. He registered with one the innumerable matrimonial websites and marked all responses to reach my official mailing address. Cheeky Bastard!

I know bo-diddley about online matrimonial websites. Not until recently, atleast. I received a mailer from Monster Jobs.com telling me to Get Lucky Twice! Upon further investigation, I found out, the job site is now a business partner of Monstrous Singles.com helping their registered members find a satisfying job and partner of their choice, all at the same time. This is absolutely true, they said, Try It For A Month Or Your Money Back.

I arrived at work one morning to find 72 new emails. On close inspection, I figured out that my bro was ready for Carpe Homosapien. I instantly rang my mum to share the good news until this happened.

Annotated below are real marriage proposals my bro received from eligible singles. I may have slightly modified the content for better readability. I have not made them up, God's truth.

• Name: Appu, Male, 34 years, Never been married.
  Physical Attributes: 5' 11", 0 kg, Sharp features, Fair complexion, Medium built, Is not blind, Not physically or mentally challenged.
  Education & Ethnicity: Doctor degree, MD, Monthly income over 1 lakh, Christian keralite, Mother tongue English, Moderate cultural values, Western culture.
  Personal Details: Do not smoke, No children, Not vegetarian, No hard drinks, Own an economy car. Love movie, piano and tennis. Kerala malayalam parentage. Catholic faith. I is looking fur cute kuttis.
  
  Looking for: 5'4" to 5'4", 25 to 30 years, Never married, USA, Christian, Any mother tongue, Doctor, Engineer, Government / Defence, Finance / Banking, Corporate, Over 1 lakh p/m, Beautiful features, Fair complexion, Big built. Should not be mentally or physically challenged. More details upon contact.
  
• Name: Rj, Male, 39 years, Divorced.
  Physical Attributes: 5' 10", 90 kg, Sharp features, Dark complexion, Athletic built, Have a deranged cat.
  Education & Ethnicity: Masters degree in nothing specific, Consultant, Consulting business owner, Over 1, 00, 000 p/m, Christian, English mother tongue, Modern cultural values, East or west India is the Best culture.
  Personal Details: Born-again Christian, Humorous, Afectionate, Loyal, Adventuresum. Previous marriage ended - not by my choice details later.... Have 3 beautifull childrens .. not looking for a surogate (step) mother ..they have a lovelying mother who takes good care of them. I am a profesional with the well settled business. I am born in India, grewed up in Africa and have living in the US for 20 years. Still visit Kerala to see my parants. Love casual tennis, goolf, boating, cooking and travels.
  
  Looking for: Any height, 32 - 37 years, Any marriage, Any country, Christian, Malayalam with any occupation, With any monthly income, Sharp features, Any complexion, Any built, Any physical disability.
  
• Name: Sumati, Female, 29 years, Never been married.
  Physical Attributes: 5' 2", 50 kgs, Fair complexion, Slim body, Sharp features, My grandmother is senile.
  Education & Ethnicity: Medicine - General / Dental / Surgeon / Others, Doctor with Government / PSU, Annual income is 15000, Oriyan, Middle class, Nuclear family.
  Personal Details: i AM MINI...I HAVE A FREE CHARACTER. LOOKING FOR A LOVING, CARING PERSON. I LOVE EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY. I HAVE LIBERAL VALUES.
  
  Looking for: Partner preference not available.
  
• Name: Phule Dixit, Male, 47 years, Never been married.
  Physical Attributes: 5' 81/2", 94 kgs, Wheatish complexion, Well built, No physical or mental disability.
  Education & Ethnicity: Bcom, Clerk in a nationalized bank, 11500 p/m, Maharashtrian, Lower-middle class, Marathi mother tongue.
  Personal Details: I am beautiful persin, Very homely, Have traditional value smart, Intelligent and Friendly in nature. I is having a very good familyy value from a highly educated family. I loves Acting, Art / handicraft, Doncing, Film-making, Gardening/ landscaping, Paintting, Potography, Playing mouth organ.
  
  Looking for: Any height, 33-38 years, Any marriage, Any religion, Any education, Any country. The candidate must be Loyal, Loviing and Carring. Should be no-smoker and no-drinking.
  
• Name: Kssubin, Male, 27 years, Never been married.
  Physical Attributes: 5' 7", 110 kgs, Wheatish brown complexion, Average built, No recorded special cases of dementia.
  Education & Ethnicity: Bcom, Accountant with PSU, 2, 00, 001 - 3, 00, 000 annual income, Hindu, Malayalam mother tongue, Chaste family values.
  Personal Details: I eat non-veg occassionally. I also drinks and smoking too. I like Photography, Singing, Dancings, Astrology / Palmistry / Numerology, Classic Indian - typically Indian formal wears and Latest film songs, Bhajans / Devotional. I am talktive man, I am trying to engage all times. I am trying to all momet is memmorable. I like photography, cinema and chating friend. I am watching cartoons channels. My family is moderate. I have one dad, one mom and one sister. Father is doing business, mom is house wife. Sister not available.
  
  Looking for: 5'0" - 5'4", 40 - 42 kgs, Never been married, No children, Wheatish, Wheatish cream, Wheatish medium or Wheatish brown complexions Slim body, Ezhava religion, Liberal family values. Can eat anything but cannot drink or smokes.
  
• Name: Daljit Inderjeet, Male, 44 years, Divorced.
  Physical Attributes: 5' 10", 60 kgs, Vary fair complexion, Big built, Mentally Challenged: HAHA.
  Education & Ethnicity: BA (PASS), Bisness, 300000 annual income, Cyber owner, Bodhay Sikh, Kark Raasi, Seere Gothram, Punjaban family values.
  Personal Details: DECENT GUY GOOD LOOKING. I IS A SIKH BOY I WANT IK PUNJABAN MUNDIYA. I LIVE PUNJAB.MY BISNESS CYBER COFFE. Iam looking a hunsomd man who can care for me in my old age .. Iam still young looking.
  
  Looking for: Two brothers, one sister.
  
• Name: Huzefa, Male, 34 years, Never been married.
  Physical Attributes: 5'6", 95 kgs, Fair complexion, Slim built, No special cases.
  Education & Ethnicity: Diploma in Computer Hardware, Civil Engineer, 200001 - 300000 annual salary, Muslim, Dawoodi Bohra, Gujarati mother tongues Loose family values.
  Personal Details: I AM A SMART, CARING, CONFIDANT, LOVVING, GUY WITH LOTS OF DESIRES IN LIFE. ACCORDING TO ME LIFE IS A CHALENGE THAT U HAVE 2 ACES AND SUCEED IN IT. I M A MODERATE PERSONEL. ACCORDINGS TO MY FRIENDS I M A COOLY PERSON. MY GREATEST AMBITION IN LIFE IZ 2 BECOME A SUCCESFULL MAN. IN MARRIGE RELATION SHOULD BE GOOD, UNDERSTANDIBLE, HONEST, CARING. I AM LOOKINGS FOR SMART, LOVING, CARING, EDUCATION, CONFIDANT, UNDERSTANDABLE. MY PARENTS ARE OPEN MINDED RELIGIOUS PERSONS. THERE ARE FOUR MEMBERS IN MY FAMILY. FATHER, MOTHER, BROTHER, AND BROTHER IN LAW. PS: A picture's worth a thousand words! Would apreciate if you 2 having a picture. I wouldn't want to communicate with a Elusion!Will tel you when i meeting you... a personal intereaction is more important for these in depth analysis. My meternal pedigree is well settled all over the world for the last 50 years. Hence i dont need that "lucrative push to settle overseas".
  
  Looking for: Any body is okey.

I cannot possibly post all the proposals he received. I have taken printouts of all the proposals and intend to display it at our next family reunion.

Your carings brother.