Parent Teacher Afflictions

I have a strange tendency to use the titles of recently watched movies colloquially. The latest being Fanaa. I was never particularly strong with languages. As a matter of fact, I wasn't very academic. If I were, I wouldn't be blogging. I would be doing something serious like my wife.

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Like a fool, yesterday at work, I told my secretary, I want to Fanaa you. Little did I know what it meant at the moment. Soon after my secretary's husband arrived to Fanaa me. It was really crazy & embarrassing. I got back home and had a huge argument with my wife on foreign languages.

Today's topic is Parent Teacher Associations (PTAs). Though I do not claim any children of my own, I was subjected to a PTA meeting recently. It is a secret congregation of parents & teachers and lots of pestilence (kids) that ruin a perfect Saturday. The school Pongy & Mintu go to guards this congregation as a matter of life and death. The school compels you to cancel exotic holidays just so you can meet the teachers and discuss your child's future.

Two Saturday's ago, P & M's parents had to urgently go out of station since someone near & dear was battling from acute diarrhoe. P & M's mum happens to be my wife's sister. I only know this detail because she call me Jeejaji. It was unavoidable for us to act like foster parents and take P & M to their school for a PTA. The only reason why I agreed to do this favor was; I could avoid P & M's birthdays next year. Also, after 15 years, I didn't want either of the kids to go on National Television and say, my uncle is responsible for our failures.

M studies in grade 7 and P studies in grade 9, which effectively meant we had to meet not one but two sets of teachers. My disgust for PTA meetings stems from the fact that as a child neither of my parents attended any of my PTA meetings, which technically means, I did not have a beeping clue.

The school was complete delirium with hundreds of kids and parents. We went over to Mintu's class first. Though the teacher recognized Mintu surprisingly, she had a hire-an-hour-parents look on her face when she spotted us. I quickly jumped to our defense and introduced ourselves as Mintu's uncle & aunt. After a lengthy & discomforting explanation about Mintu's original sinisters, the teacher brought out a printed booklet, the size of our local telephone directory. This contained Mintu's Official Attrocities at school.

Teacher Grievances: Mintu

• Mintu was very irregular to school. His class present percentage was 41 while the school required 99.99999999% present percentage as a prerequisite, to allow a student to appear for annual examinations. I swear, I have spotted the kid outside movie theatres that screen adult fiction.
• Mintu for his age is already sprouting a beard and pubic hair. I had a sudden urge to rip open his shorts and confirm it.
• Mintu is unusually friendly with the boys. He has been spotted in consenting positions with some boys on the playground.
• Mintu has hideous hand-writing.
• Mintu's ability to spell, speak and write in English is nonexistent.
• Mintu was caught kissing a girl in the girl's washroom. The teacher said, we have brought it your notice since the girl calls him, Mintu bhaiya and she is only in grade 4.
• Mintu was found reading Debonair in Moral Science class. Upon further investigation we found, the book was from his father's personal collection. I was disgusted.
• Mintu was reprimanded for starting his own religion. He dispended, God liketh thy man that taketh things into thy arms.

These were a few of Mintu's offenses that I can recall. There were some that involved paramedics, a fire station, The Indian Armed Forces and a bunch of deep sea divers.

After a barrage of complaints, I need a stiff something. I excused myself from the school and headed to a close by bar. After a few stiffs, I was ready for anything. If I had a forewarning, I would have been drinking from the night before and proceeded to the school with a hip flask. This time it was Pongy's turn.

Teacher Grievances: Pongy

• Pongy is incredibly deft. Her ability to copy during examinations is rewardable.
• Pongy is very poor at academics, especially, Science and Mathematics though she knows a guy's anatomy like the back of her palm.
• In a group activity session on Who Is Your Role Model? she said, I am being serious, the girl from the infamous DPS MMS.
• Pongy is way too radical for her age. She says, if the saying goes, All Men Are Dogs, Then I Am A Bitch. It is true, when she was 7 years old, I caught her listening to Like A Virgin.
• Pongy's favorite snack at the school snackbar is Hotdog. She was suspended for a week for eating it suggestively with The Father.
• Pongy's bag has been searched for drugs one time. They found baby carrots, wrinkled cucumbers and a 17" PVC pipe.
• Pongy on most occasions does not wear a bra to school. Inadvertantly, my eyes gazed at her chest and for the first time I realised, how fully blossomed she was.

There were other incredible things the teachers told us about her. I was thoroughly ashamed. My childhood was Eastman color compared to their Blue films.

Anyways, after two weeks, I still do not know how to communicate these grievances to P & M's parents. I only hope they will fully understand their kids someday.

Yours fosterly.