Blog Kya Hai?
Have you ever come across any person who wants to relate every single event of their life on a blog? Well I have, my cousin***. He is all of 20 years and describes every single aspect of his life on the blog. I am sure, if he survives a near-death experience, say, has a head-on collision with a truck, the first thing that will come to his mind is, WOW here's my topic for tomorrow's post.
Excerpts from a single day:
Woke up to a loud fart from me. Kal raath kho wat did i eat? After quickly brushing my teeth with my Colgate motion (battery operated) toothbrush and using my tongue scraper, I looked at myself in the mirror. I seemed to have sprouted a new pimple on my left eyebrow and one on my right cheek just inches away from my Elvis Presley look-alike sideburns. It appears that I have also sprouted several hairs on my chin. (I am becoming a man) My nose remains clean of any nose boogers. After shaping my moochi and maalishing it a bit... I quickly had a bath. (I am not going to describe what I did during my bath,hehe)
I measured myself again. I haven't grown too much since I last checked, which was yesterday. (haha) I am slightly perplixed. Wore my carpenters, a cool Nike tee, rings for all my fingers, gelled my hairs, put on my Oakley sunglasses and went out. Grabbed a cappachinno on the way with a chciken-grill sammich. Met up with Rohan, Rocky, Vickey, Sanjana at college. I think Sanjana is having the hot for me. She always looks at me different from the other guys at college.
We bunked Economics class, as usual. You know how that fat, burly, lecturer is? Cannot stand him. Boooooorinnng. We went to watch the movies. We had to choose form Kkrish, Date Movie, MI:3 and Corporate. All boring yaar. Instead we went to McDonald's and had some snackies and coke. It was almost time to finish college. I offered to drop Sanjana in my car and she accepted. So, I ran back into McDonald's and asked for some mouth freshener, like Polo or something... you know, you never know when one can get lucky *wink wink*
I played some romantic songs like I Just Called To Say I Love You and Words to set the mood. You know recently I asked pop and got my glasses tinted dark though its illegal but big deal man everybody is doing it. The a/c conked off and the traffic was so baaaaaad, we had to roll down our windows even though I tried to keep them raised for a while. It was getting too suffocating. Yaar, I missed a chance. After droping Sanjana home, I headed to meet some friends. Man some of those chicks make my wee-wee go all woo-woozy. I want to lay one of them soon, if not all.
Headed home finally at 6:30 PM. Dad and mum were waiting for me. They asked me how was college and I told them it was fantastic. I think they believed me. Sat down and watched some TV and played some Play Station. Called Sanjana at 7:20 PM. She didn't pick up the phone, so had to hang up. Her dad will kill me. Called back at 7:23 PM again and she picked up. I just love her voice. We chated till 9:00 PM on the fone and then she had to go for dinner and me too.
Changed into my nightwear and measured myself again. Still same. No warts whatsoever. An here I am typing this out to you, my dear blog. Good night and till tomorrow.
He has been typing such posts for the last 15 days and the comments are worthless. He had the cheek to say at the dinner, Mama, I take the creative juices from you to write my posts. I wanted to commit instant hara-kiri on him but the presence of his parents grid-locked me.
Some Hindi Movies And Story Lines In One Sentence:
- Sarfarosh: A movie about allergies caused by detergents. Ex: Surf.
- Rangeela: A wet colorful panty.
- Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar: A movie about a woman and several Sikhs. Winner gets to cycle her.
- Dil: Coronary artery bypass surgery. Special appearance: Dominique Jean Larrey.
- Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak: An Afghan movie stalled since there were no Hindi translators.
- Love Love Love: A a a movie movie movie about about about love love love lust lust lust and and and labor labor labor.
- Tum Mere Ho: Misappropriated in foreign countries as a pornographic flick though it is the Indian remake of Psycho.
- Parampara: The sound that is made when elephants and their respective mahouts make a grand entry in an epic movie. Much like the cult movie Lola Rennt or Run Lola Run by directorial benchwarmer Tom Tykwer, Parampara is also a 3-minute short-film on elephants juxtaposed several times and played for 79 minutes.
- Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: A movie made based on the book Freedom At Midnight by Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre. Special Appearance: Yes, good guess, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi.
- Swades: Opposite of Pardes.
- Pardes: Opposite of Swades.
- Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham...: Working title: Kabhi Pussi Kabhi Bham. A poignant tale about SRK and Karan Johar.
- Main Hoon Na: Every politician's casting couch. A secret camera that beams on the secret lives of Amar Singh and Jaya Bachchan, together.
- Veer-Zaara: Veer - to swerve, to turn aside, to bend. Zaara - little. Much like KKKG, this time, SRK does Yash-ji.
- Love Ke Liye Kuchh Bhi Karega: Saif Ali Khan's auto-biographical cinema on why he left Sharmila Tagore for Amrita Singh.
- Dil Chahta Hai: A movie about three men and a really old lady. A cheap pun on the soap Bald And The Beautiful. Special Appearance: Feroz Khan.
- Hum Tum: Originally titled Hump Tum. Since it didn't go past our revered Sharmila Tagore, they merely had to drop the T.
- Hum Saath-Saath Hain: A group-orgy. This movie was responsible for, this is true, many nuclear families embracing the conjugal family system.
- Tu Chor Main Sipahi: A medley of many short stories that include teacher-student, patient-nurse, Father-altar boy, professor-pig-tailed uniform teacher and my pop-and his hand.
- Bunty Aur Babli: Two Panjabis.
- Bade Miyan Chote Miyan: Short-film of Masturbation.
- Gangaa Jamunaa Saraswathi: A remake of I Know Who You Did Last Summer?
- Do Aur Do Paanch: This movie inspired mathematicians around the world to make another movie called One Two ka Four.
- Kaala Patthar: Stone the Blacks. This movie was apparently a stark reality about the Hutu, Tutsi and Twa tribes of Rwanda. This movie could have sparked the Era of Apartheid. Special Appearance: Martin Luther King, Jr.
- Iqbal: A movie based on the non-existent English sitcom; The Trials and Tribulations of A One-Balled Misfit.
- Amar Akbar Anthony: A remake of I Still Know Who You Did Last Summer?
- And finally Sholay: Pronounced Sho-Lay, meaning 100 Lays. The movie was later exaggerated and made as Hazar Chaprasi Ki Maa.
Please send in the corrections to any of the films themes I might have screwed up. It impossible to remember plots of all the movies.
Yours GandKiSaugand. (Apparently, the movie was initially titled Ganga Ki Saugand, which was worse.)
* It means, I do not know.
** Hypothetically speaking, incase I happen to have my foreskin surgically displaced (circumcised), my parents will call for a gathering and discuss why I had to go in for an operation, how long the operation took, for how long I will walk in a funny way and what it looks like now. They never had such a gathering, honestly, but don't be surprised.
*** Distant relative. Apparently after hearing about my blog, he decided to start one of his own. I am sorry; I cannot reveal the blog address only because I will be ashamed. His blog is full of mistaks grammmetical both and misspellings,.
**** Ho is short for Lady is a Tramp.
***** Not the personal diaries of Gen Pir Khan Durrani*6. This put me in a precarious position because present at the dinner were Penthouse Uncle, Reddy Cousin's folks, PP and the rest of the usual suspects.
*6 A computer bot.
posted by qwerty at 11:37 AM
53 Comments:
Some read :-) What caught my eye were 'hairs' .. hair plural hair. Blame it on mom weighing me down with the wren n martin in the formative years. I wouldn't say I stumbled upon this blog by chance for it was flaunted on rediff's main window.
I didn't want my star studded nick encompassed in excerpts appearing with affection n care ... hah!
Anyhoo kudos!
Hi Saugandly,
Are you sure your cousin's name is not Adrianmolesingh Randhawa? He certainly sounds like it though. I am glad he writes a blog. I also noticed that his spellings were rather like MY cousin, HaiBai Reddy. Remember him?
I am glad he is interested in Sanjana and not an incestuous bastard that is looking to commit some sibling revelry with Pongy. I am also glad he does not have any taste in music. Even Stevie Wonder has forgotten about 'I just called to say I love you'.
I hope for his sake he gets laid soon and the size of his thing grows. Please ask him what he uses to measure. If he has difficulty handling a scale, I have vernier calipers that might just do the trick. Talking about sizes, I must tell you, in some places they call me the Emperor, coz they think, with 12 inches, you must be some kind of ruler. Ha-Ha.
Your movie names were Bahut Achchay. Here are some you may have misplaced.
Dhoom - Named so because the name Torque was already taken and because most Indians would have called it Torkyu.
Hyderabad Blues - A story of a young boy and his obssession with x rated movie cassettes. Starred Rishi Kapoor (aged 55) as the young boy.
Bhoot - a cheap rip-off of the English movie Sneakers. Only this starred a Leather bhoot, zips and heels. Starred Akshay Kumar in his Best Supporting Actor performance. The best actor was the Bhoot.
Darna Mana Hai - Starred Dev Anand and Paresh Rawal. The movie is titled so, as both actors did not wear any makeup during the making of the movie. No animals were harmed too.
Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge - A joint remake of such classics as My best friend's wedding and Runaway Bride. Has SRK starring in Julia Robert's roles.
Munnabhai MBBS - Stolen from Hollywood. A heartwarming story of an afro-american teen writing prodigy who finds a mentor in a reclusive author. Starred Boman Irani as Jamal Wallace and Sanjay Dutt as Sean Connery.
I look forward to more movie reviews.
Yours Spielbergly,
hi anyhoo,
It wasn't flaunted because I wasn't allowed to type the blog address in italics.
On the subject of hairs** the word actually exists though our religious convictions derelict us from using the plural form.
Honestly, Wren and Martion were morons just to trying us teach English grammar money making.
Another example of archaic English plural form that is unacceptable now and has hence transformed into something we can eat:
*Fish --> Fishes --> Fish --> Chips.
* Developed using Ishikawa diagram.
** A collection of different kinds of hair, by which, I mean, this cousin might have had his hair hi-lighted in all the rainbow colors.
Anyhoo, do you think, you and I can ***?
hi Riggs@20thCenturyFux.com,
No. As a matter of fact, I don't know his name. He calls himself, D.V on the blog. Also, since the dinner, I am trying to accept him as a relative.
There is a logical explanation for bad spellings at the age of 19, because at that age, we are, atleast I was more worried about my spillings.
What you don't know is Pongy in her utility pouch carries an aerosol of Mace spray, BL 7.2 inch Howitzer and a very big book on Chemical Warfare. I don't think D.V or anyone wants to go anywhere close to her. Also, it is true, she doesn't know how to operate the Howitzer, which makes her deadly dangerous.
India apparently produces the maxium number of movies each year, which doesn't come as a surprise to any of us. That is probably why I left out a few names here and there.
Yours RamTeriGangaMeri.
BAH! rediff is busy
fish : fishes taken but not hair hairs :-)
adhering strictly to the above nomenclature *** means 'distant relative'? if not ' *** mince wot? me no spick ingles'
baah riggah - munnabhai mbbs has sunjay dutt trying to do a robin williams from the same movie of a diff name.
qwrts - it is unfair of you to not give us the blog link to your cousin. Who wouldn't dye to know how many nose hair(s) he pulls out everyday. while he is into measuring - do you think he gives us an account of the no. of grams of belly-button lint he gathers everyday (or does it get stolen before he can do anything about it - a la demi moore in strip tease - book by carl hiaasen - which was great - sure it was better than the movie, unless u go for demi moore. dont answer that question - i know the answer already)
U think PP has seen too many re-runs of The Mask, noting as she carries an arsenal in her fanny pouch (oops did i say a verbotne word here? esp. in the same sentence as PP?). Since she dont know how to ise the howitzer - ask her to rig it with a simple spring and a pennant saying bang. ask her to also take along a bouncer who will hold up a cue at the right moments on which it will say "die".
TVaudienceLee
Hi Peccavi,
WHAT do yu mean, ask her Rig a sring and Bang pennant? Please do not take thy lord's name in Vain.
Yours,
Rig
while u are at it please state objection to using er in her, i anywhere at all, ri in right, ger in german, and rigger in trigger.
REMEMBER: when god made men SHE was only joking.
yours
GOD
hi anyhoo,
----- Original Message -----
From: Wren&Martin@Grammar.com
To: Undisclosed-Recipient; ahnooie@smartass.bum
Sent: Thursday, July 27, 2006 12:07 PM
Subject: Re: English Language Usage
Dear Mr. Ahnooie,
We are greatly indebted for your steadfast and ceaseless assistance. You are the cornerstone of our livelihood.
On the subject of usage of the word "hairs" - you are absolutely right.
Though "hairs" is not commonly used it is certainly not incorrect.
For example: If people split hairs, they concentrate on tiny and unimportant details to find fault with something.
I hope I have answered your question.
Though, we insist, the phrase "Hairs today, gone tomorrow" is some what wrong.
Warmest regards,
Wren & Martin.
hi peccavi and rig,
What are both ranting about?
Also, peccavi, I am sorry but I cannot furnish the details of my cousin's blog.
Why is Rediff saying, 503 SERVER BUSY? What does it mean?
hazzar chaprasi ki ma!!hahaha...uv done it again!
Crazy post!
qwrts
u didnt notice that that mail was a miracle?
u have just decieved a mail from hades. from the dead...from beyond the pale...from the other side...
halleluijah!!!!
Rums,
I think you need to come to rediff too, when it works. Pls say yes and we'll be glad to show you how.
Riggy
PS:- It IS as entertaining as this. Especially if i-VTEC is around. He is Qwerty's best pal.
hi riggs on rums,
I do not mean it the way it appears to some perverts. I am not addicted to rediff, rather it is addicted to me.
Anyways, these are early days, even after close to 20 years of drinking, my BIL says he merely has a slight drinking issue.
Also, riggs, please DO NOT make factual errors. It is NOT i-VTEC but his mum who remains to be my bosom friend.
hi Ajit Balakrishnan,
My dear vacuous, emaciated, sambar-eating, incapitated twit,
All through the morning and afternoon, every single time I try to log onto rediff chat, I see this message:
503 SERVER BUSY
Either you sort this issue at the earliest or I will simply have to visit your wife during your working-hours. Your choice, my tamil friend.
Yours threateningly,
-A-
OMG - i'm a tamil (friend???) too. But i dont have a wife...and no office hours either....stumped u...hah!!!
vhoa! I'll give it to you for the e-mal-ing effort but it has to be more convincing inorder to score on hair :-) Anyhoo Frasier has left the building and i'm still steering hair.
Speaking of which maybe i should blog too and my family would throw me a treat well.
Comments here complement the posts.
Kudos!!
Easily I acquiesce in but I think the post should acquire more info then it has.
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
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