Shopping The Indian Way

The acroamatic juxtaposition of hands is more commonly known as Namaste. In the beginning of time, calisthenics* was an accepted form of greeting both men and women. As time progressed and with the invention of hotdogs, this form of aerobatics was replaced by the Namaste.

The Namaste Protection Society was formed in the same year; Global Television Network Star Group Limited set foot in India. Over the years, the reverential and obeisant form of salutation has conspicuously depreciated with the advent of television shows like CSI: Miami, Rap music and Bad Boys I & II. Since then, the antiquated form of consecrated greeting has changed. It has been replaced by

• Men hugging women, women hugging men, men chest bumping other men and if possible chest bumping women too.
• The length of this form of greeting is directly proportional to the alcohol content in the body.
• After shopping for some stuff downtown with mum, my father, upon sighting me says, Wazzup dawg? Whoz yer Big Daddy? He has completely transformed himself and currently sports our dog chain around his neck for the rap effect.

Shopping is an activity that should be, by definition, carried out in solitude though any activity carried out in my family is a group activity**. If you ever commit a mistake by letting my family know about, say, going to The Shop Around The Corner to fetch a bottle of Gaviscon, you can be sure that my dad, my mum and their dog will come along. I honestly love this sort of affection and fondness but it is just impossible to shop for, say, sexy muumuus or BVDs (Bradley, Voorhees & Day) with your family.

A few months ago, my wife and I were out of essential undergarments. On our way to the mall, we dropped over at my dad's place*** and before I could realise what was happening, both my dad and mum were ready to accompany us. I pssst-ed**** my dad to a corner and related my predicament.

• We reached the mall and without wasting much time my dad headed to the lingerie section along with his wife (my mother) and my wife. (my wife)
• I headed to the men's section and picked up several essentials such as underwear, undershirts and several police, surveillance, safety, self-defense and tactical equipment.
• Honestly speaking, my wife is not very comfortable shopping for lingerie with her FIL. We are a happy family, I admit, but not just so happy. By the time, I got to the lingerie section, this is absolutely true, my dad was holding up a bra by both his hands, pinned it against his shoulder-blades, staring into the mirror and wiggling his butt oh-so-gently and screaming across the room, Beti yeh tum par achchi lagegi.
• To make matters worse, he then asked some women assistants about How-To-Measure-Your-Cup and charged with this new ammo headed towards his DIL (not to be mistaken by Heart) and asked her succinctly for her cup size.
• Unable to hold my laughter anymore, I dragged my dad away from the lingerie section. In a moment of utter lunacy, I dragged him to the negligee***** section.

Now both my dad and mum are aware of our sizes, which technically means, we don't have to be present for lingerie shopping from the next time onwards. My dad was generous enough to offer his services the next time we wanted to go shopping. He said, just let me know and if I am passing by the mall, I will just stop by and pick up stuff for you guys. What is your size again, beti?

Yours jee-stringly.

* You often find this form of greeting in Indian Cinema. This involves tripping on banana peels, kicking the bucket, breaking your 18" high heels and falling forward into the arms of the hero. This form of greeting hasn't changed since the time Satyajit Ray's dad was watching films. Also, calisthenics are fervently used in all dance sequences in all our movies and considered to be India's answer to Salsa.

** Except baby making.

*** As soon as we arrive at my dad's place, my wife runs into all the rooms to find my mother and then reads out a log of complaints till they agree that I am counterproductive. While this happens, my dad discusses the state of affairs of the Indian Cricket Team.

**** I called the Parent and Special Services Support Team. In some parts of the world, politically speaking, it means, loony-bin.

***** He loved a black negligee, which he thought would look superb on my wife. Everybody except him is aware of his Birthday gift.

****** Nihil ad rem. My BIL's son AK is an early bloomer. My BIL proudly says, AK finishes atleast one bottle of expectorant on a regular day.