The Great INDIAN Escape*

Have you ever wondered why people have self-deprecating names like Mulla, Mohammadullah, Abdullah and Bulla?

My entire weekend was packed with watching The Great INDIAN Escape**. Yes, the latest booty-shaker in India is no longer Mallika Sherawat or Mika Singh or blog blocking but The Rise And Fall Of Tomato Rates Post-Liberalization.

History:

On Friday, in Haldheri village***, Kurukshetra district, Haryana, a small, young but ugly child named Prince Kumar****, in an experiment***** gone horribly wrong capitulated the entire nation. He was missing since Friday until his father heard his voice at the end of the tunnel asking him to rescue him. (Prince, not the father) After cautioning the authorities, the 66 Engineers Regiment******, the rescue operation began.

Rescue Operation:

With the able assistance of AIDMI (All India Disaster Mitigation Institute), UNDMT-I*8(United Nations Disaster Management Team, India) and the local villagers*9, the 66 Engineers Regiment sought out a plan to rescue Prince based on the movie Digging to China. While the rescue operation could be accomplished within three minutes by lowering a gunny bag*10 and asking adept Prince to sit in the bag and the team pulls him out. Instead, the regiment started digging a tunnel from Shahbad.

The team began constructing the Hoover Dam while food, books, a shaving kit and a blow-up doll named Lady Midget*11 were lowered to keep Prince busy while he was growing up to be a full blown adult. After close to fifty hours, the rescue team managed to save Prince.

Aid & Help:

• Haryana Chief Minister, Bhupinder Singh Hooda*12 announced a grant for 2 lakhs for the trauma caused to Prince's family. All the medical expenses incurred during the treatment of caveman to prince will be covered by the government.
• Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh appeared on National Television and offered 72 lakhs from the PM's National Relief Fund. In a special update, he also said, Haldheri Village will now have a maternity ward, three schools, seven PCO booths and electricity.
• SIEMCL (Sahara India Entertainment Management Company Limited) has signed up Prince for Chhota Chetan Redux.
• Reliance Infocomm supermo Anil Ambani has offered Prince's family Karlo Duniya Muthi Mein offer and gifted him a free incoming till the next seven generations offer at 12 paise per day.
• Several celebrities and cricketers are getting together to hold a benefit match and pass on the collections to Prince: We Need More Children Like This relief fund.
• Even Salman Khan's stage shows around the world are becoming hits.

What Are They (Media) Saying:

• The people, especially media channels are enraged about this incident and are calling it the Breach Of Indian Administration since the destruction of the Babri Masjid, 1992.
• The media believes that the administrators have not been doing their duties properly.
• This is negligence on the part of the Government of India as a whole.
• As angry Indians, we want all the pits in India to be closed within 50 hours.

What Are They (General Public) Saying:

• Presidential form of government must replace our current government, thereby, enabling us (general population) to ask him (The President) about the uncovered holes. He will then be directly responsible for all the uncovered pits in India.
• Installation of compulsive hoardings that say "Pit Ahead. Unless You Want To Appear On National Television, Do Not Risk It." or "This Is The Bhakra Nangal Dam. Unless You Wish To Be Electrocuted, Please Do Not Jump." or "This Pond Has Alligators. Please Do Not Swim, It Could Be Dangerous To The Alligators, Thereby, Disturbing The Ecological System." Since these ideas were suggested by Indians abroad, the government will in all probability install these hoardings in 14 national languages.
• We thank our Indian Army for saving the child. Indian Army goes where no person goes. At this point, I said, Ofcourse they wouldn't allow us civilians to go on an evening stroll on the LOC. This remark almost had me killed.
• A UK caller said: We haven't slept all night. A bunch of us got together with some chilled beer and chicken wings and sat up all night.

And Finally, What I Am Saying:

• Much like The First Giant Lie For The Mankind, did Prince actually fall through a 60 feet tunnel or did he start digging a hole around himself and after digging for many hours realized he was 60 feet below the MSL. (Mean Sea Level) Incase, he did fall through the hole, why isn't he bruised?
• Why Prince was without a shirt, if he already knew every news channel was going to air him on prime television for forty eight hours? Also, he must have carried Mensa Book of Puzzles with him.
• Finally, based on Edward De Bono's Lateral Thinking, instead of drilling through the same hole in which Prince was buried with a submersible bore-well machinery, they decided to dig a well 431 kms away, which proves EDB's LT is just another attention-grabbing blunderbuss.
• To begin with, the media channels said, Prince fell into a 53' pit, followed by 57' and finally when he was saved, he was in a 60' pit, proving only one thing. He is a gold-digger and the Original Sin of a Caveman. Also, I felt he was camera shy.
• Present in the pit were NO predators such as Ants, Earthworms, Jerboas, Armadillos and Chipmunks.

Yours Whendovesbray.

I share similar sentiments with everyone in India and abroad about the traumatic experience I shared with every other male-being who was sitting at a pub on Saturday night devoid of any female-being because all the female-beings I know were doing time at Gurdwaras, Temples, Churches, Mosques and Dar-E Mehrs praying for Prince's speedy recovery. I am writing about Prince's Untold Story only because I did not find anything highbrowed to wax about.

* Actors include Steve McPrince, James Gardener, Charles Bhupinderson

** It is a reality show hosted by Annu Kapoor and Renuka Shahane where seven participants are lowered into the Farmington Mine and are asked to sing while liberal amounts of Methane is pumped into this mine. The 16th Punjab Regiment, The Indian Grenadiers, The Royal Gharwal Rifles, 10th Princess Mary's Own Gurkha Rifles, The Indian Parachute Regiment and The Rajputana Rifles battle it out to rescue these participants. The regiment, which rescues it's schlemiel the slowest wins the competition.

*** A village that was nonexistent till Friday and miraculously appeared on Friday. Some villagers believe Amazing Grace was playing in the background during the rescue operation while the others argue; it was the Greatest Love Of All.

**** Son of Yesudasu and Amma Mariyamma, along with the able assistance of The Three Wise Men.

***** In an attempt to disprove, Square Pegs Don't Fit Into Round Holes, Prince the Cockamamie (not be confused by an incestuous son) jumped into, what was believed to be a chink in the metal.

****** Not to be confused by 666 Engineers Regiment of Falling Buildings, which was responsible for a number of building collapses during earthquakes. Anyways, 66 is NOT the total sum of engineers in the regiment but merely an arbitrary number. The number 45493439311 has never been used, for example, 45493439311th Gurkha Rifles, only because it was impossible to accommodate such a huge number.

*8 The rescue process was delayed because this team had to arrive from Geneva and Botswana.

*9 They provided unmitigated help by supplying Doodhi Aur Jowar Di Masala Rotis, Sarson Ka Saag and water. They also helped in being road blocks to easy emancipation.

*10 A jute bag used for carrying food grains. Also a rescue operation suggested by 1 billion - the rescue operators present at the site.

*11 A full-blown lady could not be lowered down through the hole because the rescue team was concerned about the tunnel caving in.

*12 Belongs to the Ku Klux Klan.