Dinner & Pink Lady

Today, East Midnapur, has no fewer than 773,000 toilets! This statistic is appalling when we talk about the number of malnutrioned and illiterated children in the area. It became the first district to achieve 99 percent coverage, as compared with the national coverage of 36 percent.

Sorry, it wasn't to be meant here.

Yesterday night, my wife and I, had the most important conversation of our lives, by which, I mean, we discussed car upholstery. Instead of drawing blood and guns, we decided to talk about it instead. She wants to have a baby.

After three hours of intense conversation, I gently reminded her that babies do not happen by talking about them. I really shouldn't have. She not only proscribed my rights to touch her but also denied me my rightful place in bed.

For the uninformed, contradistinct to the popular belief, my wife is not your run-of-the-mill wives. She has a successful and thriving career in something. A few months ago, she decided to treat her entire team at work for drinks & dinner. The theme was families.

I am all for team-building activities but I couldn't see how my presence would improve her team's interpersonal relationships. I recall, as we left home, my wife said two things. a) Don't be rude and mean. b) Behave! At that very moment, I realised, her team members were not the brightest inventions of Sir Isaac Edison. Her team consisted of 5 men and 1 non-male. We were the first to arrive at Orient Express. By 21:00 hours the entire group had congregated with atleast one representative from each of their familes.

• R was accomponied by his fiance. His fiance was rather attractive with a plunging neckline. I did not particularly notice her face during the entire five course meal. It was difficult to take my gaze of her orientals. Physical description of R: The only living proof that explains the Darwin's Theory Of Evolution. He was dressed in a body-hugging shirt and crotch-crunching trousers held together barely by a belt that appeared to be a part of his school uniform. I was wishing throughout the dinner for the belt to snap.
• R2 was accompanied by Tommy. Tommy was also found drooling at R's fiance. I think my wife should have specifically mentioned human accompaniments only. Apparently R2 was unmarried and could not think of anything else. He was dressed in work clothes with a dog-tag around his neck. I told my wife, R2 looked like the central idea behind Unlocking The Mysteries Of Life.
• A was accompanied by his ass. It took a moment to arrive after he did. A has kids older than Pongy and Mintu. He had moved into my wife's team recently. Apparently, his family was due to move in with him shortly. I think that's their excuse to live away from him. He wasn't dressed. I saw his face way too briefly to describe him.
• S was accompanied by his wife. His wife is 4 foot nothing. Apart from a few strands of grey hair, there was nothing that could stop me from believing that she was his daughter. They were the perfect Beauty and the Beast, though interchangeably. After watching The Exorcist, S's wife has eliminated all thoughts on child birth, by which, I mean, S has been celibate for numerous years now.
• Y was accompanied by his keychain. He appeared to me like a credit-card defaulter's collection agent. He was dressed in a shirt, which seemed to contain two symmetric designs of the cross-section of human anatomy. His trousers were too tight and too short exposing his white socks. He was absolutely disgusting.
• M was accompanied by Hansel and Gretel. The bad genes seemed to have passed from the mother to the children. It was extremely difficult to hold conversation with the kids without poking them with my chopsticks everytime their mother wouldn't see me. If Louvre Museum of Modern Art would accept living forms, M and her children would fit perfectly.

After making some small talk, it was time to ask for drinks. As soon as I hollered for the drinks menu, all the male members with wives, girlfriends, etc at the table, inadvertently turned their heads for permission. I turned my head towards R's fiance. I am not a beer drinker unless I do not have choice. Three men were teetotalers while the rest of us had a drinking problem.

• R drank beer. He was barely two pints down when he started singing. Much to my ado, my wife joined him. I was totally disgusted.
• R's fiance drank bloody mary. Everytime she would raise her glass to sip, her neckline seemed to plunge further.
• Y asked for hard drinks. After arguing for more than ten minutes, he agreed to drink Fanta. I was glad. His idea of handling drinks, I suppose, was by the neck of the bottle.
• A didn't drink anything. Apparently, after 19:00 hours, he did not drink anything because he suffered from enuresis. (bed-wetting)
• S drank beer. He sat closer to the washroom since the only thing he spoke for the rest of the evening was excuse me. His wife was thoroughly disgusted. I wanted to ring my sis and tell her that her husband was dining with us.
• M drank Pina Colada. After her first Pina Colada, miraculously, she suddenly appeared to have grown a pink moustache.
• M's kids brought their own hip flasks with Chocolate Complan. M inisted that she wanted her kids to have a healthy lifestyle. On the subject of hip flasks, did you all know, my BIL, carries two, one on each hip, this is true, for balance.
• R2 drank something called Pink Lady. I am not sure what the drink contained but for the rest of the evening, R2 was found shagging the glass with his palms.

Everybody thanked my wife for the fantastic party and walked away. I caught Y stealing dozens of toothpicks from our table.

Yours pouchongly.