Sales, Masterji & Weekend

déjà vu: My love life.

Aberrations over the weekend: a) Brazilians are through to the semi-finals. b) Indians lose the decisive fourth test. c) Unbeknownst, Sehwag's hair reappears. d) My wife said, Come with me to the Casbah, we'll make beautiful music together.

I was thoroughly disappointed to watch Brazilians lose. I think it was the surprise element of the entire World Cup. My BIL, who was watching the game with us, in a depressed frenzy, drank another three large shots of Scotch. He was so disappointed, he was unwilling to leave the pub. Anyways, I am glad Brazilians are out; German nemesis.

On Saturday, we went to my dad's place to gently remind him that I am still alive. After the last family reunion dinner, he hasn't been communicating with me. My wife immediately rushed to find my mum. Apparently, my mum was NOT in Hyderabad but on a holiday away from my father. Even I can sympathize with her. To my disgust, I found my BIL waiting for me to arrive or so I thought. My father had already tipped him about my evening plans to watch the games at a pub.

After a cup of chai for us and a shot of scotch for my BIL, I dropped my wife about 200 yards away from my inlaws place and waited till she disappeared behind the gate. BIL & I, then disappeared into the pub. It is absolutely wonderful to go out with my BIL. Firstly, he knows most of the pub owners, by which, I mean, he has been kicked out occasionally for lack of funds. Secondly, I do not have to constantly converse with him, by which, I mean, he is busy getting wasted.

By the time, England recorded their quarter final loss, my BIL was three quarters down. I rang my sister to find out if he had a drinking problem and she banged the phone down. I will assure you all, my family doesn't have a sense of humor. After the Brazilian defeat, I dropped my BIL at his place and headed home.

Woke up at 11:30 hours, had a quick shower and headed to my in-laws place. Ate lunch, picked up wife and returned home. On our way back, I sensed that we were going to break into another argument and before I could finish that line of thought, my wife started it. She is a major league fan of Sales. Sales of any kind including, but not limited to cenotaphs, coffins and clothes. She also wanted to see her tailor(s). I wanted to go home and sleep. Finally, we agreed to go to the sales and her tailor, since these things were matters of national security & importance.

• We went home to pick up the clothes we received from USAID as a part of Tsunami Relief Fund. All of them had to be either stitched or alterted. I am not exaggerating.
  
  
• We then headed to Matching Point & Petticoat Junction to find matching tops for bottoms, matching bottoms for tops, matching blouses for saris, matching saris for blouses, matching petticoats for buttons, matching hairpins for lingerie, matching nail polish for clothes she might buy for her next year birthday, etc.
  
  The only interesting part about the place was, I was the only male member. I was feeling absolutely violated while my wife was doing her thing. You may all laugh, but I can tell you, having sex-starved sales aunties strip you naked with their eyes is not a very comfortable feeling. Some shoppers in petticoats & bras were strutting unintentionally in my presence.
  
  While my wife was busy match-making, I contempated my sex life. It was a cliffhanger. For uniformity, I divided the month into 30 days to calculate the probability of it happening. This is how it looks:
  7 days: That time of the month.
  10 days: That time before the month. Private Messaging Service.
  5 days: Time she spends at her place.
  4 days: I am likely to travel.
  3 days: Arguments.
  1 day: Honey! I have a headache.
  
  I do not know how many goods we purchased but the shop owner promised to do a free home delivery. I was already suffering from postpartum disorders.
  
  
• The next pitstop was at her tailor. I have to admit, the way to his shop is a perilous ascent. His shop is located on the third floor of a building without a lift. The stairway does not house any artificial lighting whatsoever and can only accommodate one person at a time, by which, I mean, if you are climbing up the stairs and are unaware of a raging bull speeding down the stairs, one of you will be crushed to death.
  
  The shop was a dingy joint; a place no woman would ever venture, but here I was with my wife waiting for Sir Wawah Darzi to make an apperance. The place was packed with women of different shapes and sizes waiting to be measured up.
  The tailor was barely five feet nothing, frail and about to die. He greeted my wife like he knew her vital stats and proceeded to discuss stuff in a language that I couldn't understand. I think, I do not know some of the dimensions that he knows about my wife. I was understandably ashamed. For everyone unaware, a darzi is called masterji for some strange reason.
  
  
• We then headed to the many sales on the offering. You all must realize, my wife will buy 20 sets of bed linen to last us for 7 years just because they are on sale or 139 rolls of toilet paper since we might have a water problem next year.
  
  First, as you all would have guessed, it was indeed the ladies section. The offer said Buy Any Three Garments Over 2000/- Each And Get An Egg Boiler Free or Buy Any Two Garments Over 4500/- And Get A Set Of Six Table Mats Free. She chose both the deals since she wanted to make my life easier by gifting me an egg boiler and she absolutely loved the table mats.
  
  We then headed to the men's section. They had a deal on undergarments. She called my father, her father and her brother to find out their sizes and models. My BIL was missing, as usual. After gathering all the necessary information, she decided to buy them all shirts instead. The deal said Buy Two Shirts Worth 2100/- Each And Get A Box Of Seven Hand Kerchiefs With The Days Of The Week Embroidered With Multi-color Cross-Stitch Needlework. I received two sets of hand kerchiefs while some of the other male members in my family received shirts.
  
  We made a quick dash to the kids section soon after. After buying clothes for Chintu, Mintu & Pongy, my wife did the most ridiculous thing. The shop had a deal on baby-care products. For our sexually unknown future child, my wife bought several packets of Huggies, wet tissues for cleaning poo-poo, a pram, several '0' month clothes, etc. It wasn't ridiculous until she bought two sets of everything as a twin contingency.
  
  We then headed to the home needs section. Here she bought several items of bed linen, which if spread side-to-side will cover the entire neighborhood we live in. Several plastic boxes for storage. They had a deal, that said, Buy Several Easy-To-Store, Smell-Proof Storage Cases And Be Eligible For Our Lucky Draw For Home Delivery. We bought enough bath towels to clean each part of our anatomy twice. She then headed to the cutlery section where we purchased enough cutlery for the Boston Tea Party.
  
  Just when I thought we were done, we jet-setted back to the ladies section. After wandering aimlessly for another half hour, she decided to finally settle the bill. This was the part I was dreading. After paying an undisclosed amount, we headed back home.

Leo Packers and Movers have promised to deliver the goods of purchase sometime on Monday.

Yours brokenly.