Family Noose

Perfect setting: Missus decided to watch some mind-numbing reruns of Sex And The City while I was all set to meet some of my boyfriends to watch the all important fourth test between WI and India. I am kidding. It was all going very well until my FIL called. He wanted us, to watch the match on his new big screen. After a perfect argument, we decided to go watch the game at his place, on the condition, I watch Saturday's 2nd day of the fourth test between WI and India with my buds.

No offense, but my FIL is not your normal fanatic sports lover. I overheard, right before the 2006 FIFA World Cup, Germany, he was explaining the offside rule to one of his many grandchildren. He said, there are two sides, offside and onside and it is relative to the batsman. I only mention this because I was in denial to watch a football game with a man who is as confused about the game as his lineage.

My in-laws aren't exactly thrilled to see me. The usually treat me with the same nonchalance as they would treat a door-to-door salesman selling Webster's dictionary or socks. We ended up watching the match with me cheering for Germany and my FIL undecided till the end of play.

Anyways, I was willing to forego the missus for a night of peaceful football watching. I got home just in time to catch the Italiano washout. The game was completely off-sided.

A few days ago, I had to attend another family reunion dinners. I am yet to figure out the real reason. It was not about my blog, thankfully. I took this golden opportunity to find out what's shaking currently with everyone.

• My Brother: It was unusual to see him at family gatherings. He came up to me and said Bro, I have an originale and ingenious business plan. For everyone, who is unaware, my brother is forever trying to exploit my entrepreneurial tendencies, by which, I mean, the ability to lose money without difficulty. This is a genetic trait passed onto me by my dad. Many years ago, my dad also invested a lot of money in horse racing expecting very few dividends. Though I do not invest in gambling, I am hugely susceptible to originale business plans.
  
  Anyways, my brother sought out to establish a boutique cyber cafe with an ecological twist to it. The cafe would offer your usual private cabins with identity concealer, a Korean mechanical-hand named Handie, a bottle of Perrier and ofcourse the fundamental need at all cyber cafes; a roll of Kleenex (free). Apart from this, the cafe would also offer beauty treatment services for both men and women. This is true, after watching many cartoons as a kid, my brother believed the computers will function on, I am not kidding, Spinach. After the entire discussion, I asked him, what was the USP of this business venture? After a thoughtful minute or two, he said, Cable & Wireless.
  
  
• My Father: In my family, the word personal is nonexistent. Everything is discussed openly. Hypothetical Citation: My father over the dinner table with some business contacts of mine will say, Arjun, Did you know, your good friend sitting right across the table used to have an inverted nipple condition for many years before it had to be surgically corrected? My father is absolutely capable of saying such things at public gatherings. He continues to have erectile dysfunction, which was the topic of discussion at the dinner. I did not know about this until an open forum discussion recently.
  
  To ease the discomfiture, he caused everyone, I broke the silence with, Dad, why don't you think about the Washington Monument or Statue of Liberty or Rock of Gibraltar or our very own Qutub Minar. As a cheap thrill, for Father's Day, I bought him a 1/96 scale replica of The Leaning Tower of Pisa.
  
  
• My Mother: My mother is still missing for the last two months. We are safely assuming that she is probably in Hyderabad teaching the art of roti making to the chefs.
  
  
• My Sister: She continues to be the first child of our family. I did not find anything of consequence to mention in here though she continues to give me unequivocal and false advise on being a father. She wants me to become one.
  
  
• My BIL: He continues to be the only active member of Alcoholics Anonymous though there is little anonimity about this fact in our family. He stayed close to my dad's bar eyeing a bottle of Black Label lecherously. My sister believes that is the only time he does that. I like him because, our conversations are monosyllabic, for example, Hey BIL, want another drink? Yes. Hey BIL, want another drink? Yeah. Hey BIL, want another drink? Yah. Hey BIL, want some dinner? No.
  
  On a BIL bonding session, I ended up at one of the AA meetings. There were lots of scary people sitting around in a circle, holding hands and singing some Irish pub songs. They were kind enough to offer me a drink as soon as we reached the pub.
  
  
• My Nephew: I think my nephew who is 12 years old had his first erection a few days ago. Though I do not have any evidence to support this allegation, I think he did. I saw him gel his hair.
  
  
• My FIL: He continues to baffle us for no apparent reason. I still continue to respect him.
  
  
• My Wife's Sister: She was busily finding data for her new trivia; Footballs: What Men Don't Have.
  
  
• Mintu: He asked me, what's a fellatio was? Though taken aback, I told him, it was a latin lollipop. After drawing many similes to explain the meaning and many failed attempts later, I told him a joke.
  
  One sperm said, Lord I'm tired! How long until we reach the fallopian tubes? Another replied, Still a long way to go, we've just passed the oesophageal cavity. I am hoping, he understands it. He is only 13.
  
  
• Pongy: She brought a date to the gathering. I personally thought the kid would be a good influence on her. Sometime during the course of our meal, she declared, she had her first ever Brazilian. I am not sure if everyone at the party understood it.
  
  
• Chintu: He is officially a terrorist. He brought a musket to the dinner. His parents want to buy him a S&W Sigma 380 ACP as soon as he turns 13. I am very sure they are allowing him to chase his dream.
  
  
• Chintu's Mum: I was glad to see her. She was saying, it wasn't her idea to don the Lil' Mermaid costume. Apparently, Chintu's dad had never watched Lil' Mermaid when he suggested the costume. I also pointed out the irrelevance of Lil' Mermaid as a Super Hero.
  
  
• Chintu's Dad: Abominable as ever.
  
  
• I: I continue to be an actively lead a life of celibacy. I have recently registered with The Celibate After First Marriage Club, Unlikely Of Second Marriage Club and Above The Hill And Therefore Cannot Find A Girlfriend Club. I am also looking for a subscription with sexaholics anonymous for geometrical gratification.
  

Yours family's only normal being.