Thursday, July 27, 2006

Is Your Antediluvian Computer Insured?

When I was temerarious and pubescent, I made a retarded decision to buy a MacBook*. Based on the Moore's Law**, Apple changes it's products, this is true, every 14 days, thereby, discontinuing the production of all the spare-parts of models bought 15 days ago. They also ensure that product upgradation or enhancement is absurd and unfeasible***.

Two years have passed since. With my birthday around the corner, my wife has decided to buy me a new MacBook Pro****. I am just kidding. She has categorically stated that she will not buy me any Apple products. She also casually added, I am juvenile. Instead I am getting a VAIO TX***** as a gift. I am ashamed*6.

Anyways, I have a packed weekend ahead, by which, I mean, I have to attend many family get together(s). I think I will have enough information to write about for the entire next week.

Have you ever received telephone calls from strangers asking you to visit their office on Sundays for a one-hour session on their company and walk away with an assured holiday in Goa? Well if you haven't, you have missed an opportunity. The next time you receive such a call, grab it.

  • Prerequisites: You have to be a couple. This offer is not valid for single men or women. Also, they will NOT reveal the name of the hotel till the very end.
  • Not very long ago, I received such a call. It was from an insurance agent. After a conversation on A Brief History Of Time, I promised to visit their office on a particular Sunday for kicks.
  • I managed to lure a MALE friend of mine to accompany me to their office*8. The receptionist confirmed my details and was surprised to see my male companion. After mulling over this predicament for a moment, she summoned her manager.
  • The manager was gentle enough not to provoke me, only because, my MALE friend is all of 6'2" and one of actors in the movie Pumping Iron.
  • Honestly, I was not concerned about insurance. Also, I have little understanding on this subject. (to date)
  • After waiting for five minutes, we were invited into the larger room, only to find lots of couples (man and woman) sitting around tables with an 'agent' spieling out incoherent statistics and data.
  • The manager was kind enough to sit with us and explain the entire insurance procedure. After forty five minutes, he realized, neither of us had any knowledge about insurance nor were we interested in buying an insurance policy. Without wasting any time, he brought out a coupon with a two-night-three-day stay at some nondescript bivouac.

We thanked him profusely for his time and patience and offered him a two-night-three-day stay at Goa and dispersed.

Yours KalHoNaHoInsurance.

* A computer developed by a fruit seller named Apple Computer, Inc. The advantage of buying a MacBook is simply that you cannot install any Microsoft products on your machine, by which, I mean, the laptop is rendered useless. You can use the computer to view pornography, pictures (family) and connect, yes, you have guessed it right, an i-Pod. I currently use it as a word-processor. Incase you are in the middle of a Product Development Cycle, (PDC, 7th day) I strongly advise you not to wait another 7 days to buy their newer product but invest in a Microsoft enabled machine. Microsoft may be unreliable but they haven't changed their technology since Charles Babbage.

** Moore, yes the same guy who started the "Intel Inside, Idiot Outside" revolution. He states, every 18 months, double the number of Intel employees will quit the company with enough confidential information and intellectual property to start rival start-up chip-making companies. He also says, every 18 months double the number of transistors will be added onto IC's, by which, he means, by 2116, computers will be the size of pick-up trucks.

*** Incase there are any spare-parts available in their inventory, they will cost more than the entire product cost + services charges + shipping + Make Steve Jobs Richer Fund + VAT. You may also find some spare-parts on e-bay, which are costlier than the GDP of Ireland. Apparently, Ingvar Kamprad made his first millions selling spare-parts of obsolete Mac machines on e-bay.

**** These machines are ludicrously unaffordable. Apple to date has not recorded a single sale but continues to produce these machines. They look good as mannequins in Apple Stores.

***** VAIO TX: VPFNGCHHHHTQWER-TXXX5280021GPPRSAIDS/VVXZOO. That is the model name. It is true. Incase, you ever happen to call Sony's customer service, after the introductory nonsense about 'hear this information in forty three different languages and we are an equal opportunity employer', a thoroughbred Learn-English-In-30 Days-Through-Gujarati executive will want to know your name. After furnishing details about your personal life, (includes current affairs, this is done only for authentication) she will (parenthetically) ask, what is the problem with your Sony product? Before you can explain the problem to her, she will transfer your call to their technical department. The process of furnishing details about your life continues, till Nalineenart Supravee Wuthisanti will ask you, Sir, please tell me your laptop model?

*6 I am ashamed because I almost forgot her birthday and only managed to buy a wilting rose from a florist who was shutting shop. Also, I dislike roses.

*7 Bottega Veneta and Luella are the only two brands that make laptop cases for Apple MacBooks. Incase, your fashion quotient is unsubstantial, believe me, the cumulative monthly salaries of all the employees in DLF might be insufficient to buy a case.

*8 Their reception area was smaller than our smallest bathroom with an old rusty table and a chair. Also present was a 'sofa' with questionable stains. This area was partitioned from a larger and invisible room that contained many chairs and tables without a menu card strewn around the room.

23 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are so right about macs...and ipod sells even though there are far better products in the market...waiting for zune to kick ipod's ass!!

7:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As someone famously said "Mac's are what windows aspires to be"

yours
an aspirational PC owner

8:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hai KalHoNaHo-RetirementSirfKamSe,

Your post has me feeling poor. I am a poor, working class stiff (in more ways than one, eh?) who uses a sumwot pauper-like Dell Latitude D600 Laptop. Your utterances about Vaios and Macbooks make me feel like you are talking Honda i-VTEC to my Ambassador. Please do not encourage this class divide.

(I am sayin all this as it is the 28th of July and I have not yet filed my taxes. And have no intention of doing so. Ha-Ha. I hope the IT man is not looking in *my* direction)

I too have been a slave to such phone calls informing me about me being the *lucky* one for winning a holiday and would I please attend a seminar on Sunday in order to claim the prize. I always tell them Sunday's might be a bit tough as there is no one at the asylum to let me back in. And of course, Dr. Lecter does not work on Sundays.

On the subject of insurance, I was very happy before all of them entered the market. I was used to dealing with a small, ugly, rodent lookalike called Murthy or Srinivas who was the local LIC agent. You KNEW he was smiling sat you and calling you Saar because he wanted a commission. You knew that and you were okay with it. Now yu have all these fancy insurance-wallahs, well dressed, well educated, clean shaven, tie toting, laptop carrying Advisors. I suspect they even visit pubs that have women at them.

I would shoot them without a second's delay but for the fact that a) I could go to jail b) I do not possess a weapon and c) I don't like blood and gore.

Anyways, all this is very well. I must now rush to the airport and board a flight back home. I hope by the time I get home there is a new update on Qwertyworld.

Tata and Please Switch Off Your Mobile Phones As They Interfere With Navigation Equipment.

Yours AssembledComputerly,

PS. Riggy's Rambling has a new update.

10:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*Mac(x) manne (not)jyada? Sigh!!!Moore's last sigh ( Not Rushdie's)

11:21 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi the genius,

Are you another of those Microsoft lovers? Zune probably will not be the name of their version of the i-Pod.

Anyways, at a time when they said buy an i-Pod, I smartly invested in a Bowers & Wilikins system. Now my entire neighborhood listens to music without plugging in those things with wires.

11:30 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi rums,

Soon there will be the 49th generation of i-Pod due to be released sometime in the next few hours, which will also pay your telephone bills, electricity bills, etc. It will also be equipped with a GPRS system that will help you find your favorite restaurants and multiplexes. They are also trying to innovate a pink vibrating i-Pod for the savvy customers, though it will retain its customary Jeetendra earphones.

11:34 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

I do a lot of crosswords with cryptic clues but this one might prove tough for even Jacques Saunière.

Please explain.

11:38 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi riggs,

I do not intend to bring a divide but, honestly what is a Dell?

Please have a safe flight home. It shouldn't be difficult to update my blog by then, because, we all know how long it takes for an Air Deccan flight to land. Ha-ha.

Yours L.I.C Rao.

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q ,
I guess you only blog , don't read much , do u? Ever heard Salman Rushdie? Haha ! that was ur clue now *go and get it* right .

11:52 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

No, I just blog. I also do not read swainish and insipid authors.

Perchance, you are Shalimar the Clow?

Yours Salman'sRashdie.

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q,
What a *Shame*! Yu don't read those *Satanic Verses* .Anyways *Fury(ious)? Haha!

3:19 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

You seem to be a big fan of Rushdie. Tell me, I am out of circulation but, is it eclectic to read Mr. Rushdie? and if so, since when?

I do want to read the Satanic Verses to His, 4th wife Sri Padma Lakshmi Saraswathi Jai Mata Di, which will effectivly mean, Sri Sri Rusdie-ji will need a fifth wife.

4:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q,
Yu can't write Laxmi and Sarswati in one sentence , they don't jell-well together , either u can have Laxmi Or Sarswati .
If yu really want to babysit for her and read , what about a book of some *exotic spices and it's use/abuse*?Haha

5:02 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

Yes, the concept of woman on woman is alien to Hindu Mythology.

It talks about a guy with 10,000 Gopikas, a woman with five husbands, a woman who blinds herself since her husband turns blinds and a man who can give 10-heads at one time but it never says anything about a woman having to do anything with another woman physically.

That probably explains your, why Saraswathi does not jell-well with Lakshmi.

If I really want to baby-sit her, I wouldn't mind playing Michael Jackson.

5:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey!
nice blog.. though i must admit the apple part went mostly above my head... the rest was good. a fun read is always welcum :)
happy blogging

6:21 PM  
Blogger Num said...

Now you know why the expression was "sour grapes" and foxes never talked of Apple-s ;)

9:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q,
Where r those guys in saffron , all from RSS and Bajrang dal? Laxmi and Sarswati , two sis , but they hate each other so much that u can't 've both.
Better u get an anticipatory bail after those remarks .Haha!!!!

10:08 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

What was wrong with those remarks? They were just mildly obtuse.

Also, quoting you, those guys in saffron , all from RSS and Bajrang dal... With those guys, anonymous, one doesn't need an anticipatory bail, they need an army to protect them. (not RSS or Bajrang dal, but Bal Thackeray)

6:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q,
Don't underestimate the situation ur in , after ur "obtuse" ( ur word ) , "acute "( my word) remarks .Now u 've got two enemies , RSS- bajarang dal's goons and Govt .Govt wud slap the charges like ......obscene , inflametory remarks , creating unrest , trying to create tension between two communities ( And if it's an overreacting , D.S.P he mite add 121of IPC ). Ah! Serious charges ...Now here , yu need anticipatory bail . I'm glad I put u in this miserable situation .Save ur wise a*** if u can.Haha!!!!!!!!

11:05 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi annonymous,
We are dragging this issues too far. Anyways did you mean inflammatory?

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q,
Right ur , no more retorts from me
My "infametory" wasn't "inflammatory" for u , I can see it did make u very happy.
Happy blogging.:)

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

couldnt figure out wht yr blog is about

4:29 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous at 4:29 PM,

After 40 posts and several thousand page hits and thousands of comments going back and forth, none of us have been able to figure it out.

We tend to go with the flow and sometimes land up on The Beach.

5:34 PM  

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