Saturday, August 26, 2006

Junctural Metanalysis Or The Meaning Of Monikers

The second Wicket falls.

I am sorry for being out of circulation for a very long time. After visiting the Piccadilly Circus, Hyde Park, spending incalculable time with my wife's family and innumerable trips to Debenhams, Hennes & Mauritz* and Selfridges, here I am.

For the last two months, I have found a new pet peeve**, called rediff chat***. I have to admit that I have had the opportunity to meet and interact with multifaceted people****. Riggs wanted me to write about a few of the chatters that I have regularly private messaged*****.

Annotated below are the chosen ones*6.

Please note that all the characters and events appearing in this post -- even though based on real people -- are entirely fictional. All descriptions are impersonated -- poorly. The following post contains bawdy language, low blows and personal jibes. Due to the aforementioned reasons -- public viewing is avoidable. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely premeditated.

The author accepts no liability whatsoever. Only one orangutan was hurt during the making. You may not be mentioned, but you're here.

  • i-VTEC: A work of modern art. An exemplary piece of human trash. Born in Transylvania, by which, I mean, a product of transvestism, i-VTEC rose to popularity after acting in a family drama based on his own family, titled Third Sex From The Scum. He claims his parents are Captain Barbossa and Ganymedes. Nobody knows what caused the psychological imbalance but people believe he lost it when his parents sent him a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."
  • Gen Phir Khan Durrani: The original Star-Spangled Banger. Was a near-likely contingent for the Vietnam War. Also played an extra in the making of the song We Are The World. Celebrates Deepavali every year on 4th of July. Obviously thinks World Series Major League Baseball is a tournament played by nations around the world, such as, Angels of Anaheim, Cleveland Indians, Milwaukee Brewers and Philadelphia Phillies. Also believes George Dickel, Jack Daniel's, Wild Turkey and Jim Beam are the original Scotch Whiskies from Versailles and Mount Vernon. Probably drives Toyota Prius, supports Hank Biasatti, lives in a flat-pack house from IKEA and says God Bless America, Yip Yip Yankhee. Claims that the original track by Dire Straits was not Sultans of Swing but Sultan of Swat and the Curse of the Bambino was originally American.
  • behenji turned mod: The proverbial mod. The Bible and the Quran believe Adam and Eve were the first man and woman created by God. The story believes that Eve was created from Adam's rib (a comedy from the 1940s featuring Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn) though she (behenji) argues she created from Adam's rub. According to The Fall or Original Sin, the Good Book says, You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall die though behenji believes Her Fall began when she first dug her fangs into a pizza. She also believes, the phrase, Women on Top is merely metaphorical. As a sexologist, her advice to people with bedroom woes is Whipped Cream & Strawberries.
  • sanjeev_pilot_del: He is the misbegotten child of Rajesh Pilot. I took the liberty to ask him if he had ever fancied a job as a crash test dummy. I don't think he entirely appreciated my sense of humor.

* I convinced my wife to buy me an AEC Routemaster.

** disguised addiction.

*** started by Ajit Balakrishnan and run by riggs. Chat involves interaction between one or more members, usually of the male species or male species camouflaged as women talking, debating, arguing and agreeing on a myriad of subjects, namely sex or the lack of it.

**** people with one or another psychological problem. Someone would usually ask, Hi ahnooie, how are you finding it in here? or Hi ahn, I am going to get myself a bagel and a hot cuppa, can I get you one? or Hi ahn, can v hev cexxxx? or Hi ahnooie, hope rediff chat feels like home away from home? Everyone treating your well? or Hi, what a bright and sunny day. What's the weather at your place? or Hai, wat iz fer lanch & hw longgg r u?

***** a message you often send to a specific chatter, in order to maintain secrecy. For example, your date of birth, maiden name, favorite teacher in class or your childhood hero. RROC (Rediff Rules Of Chat) prohibit you from sending personal email addresses and phone numbers unless you want to be emailed or called. Rediff does not take any responsibility for stalkers, psychopaths, spammers or prank callers unless they are officially appointed by the company.

*6 they have all been randomly picked. I am an equal opportunity provider and have treated everyone without prejudice.


Anonymous Riggs said...

Mr. Q,

Okay. That does it. You cannot post such stuff when I'm at work. Especially since I have to sit and look like a serious event manager at all times.

That one cracked me up something fierce. I have some more handles for you to dissect.

They are :-

1. (((^/^)))
2. *~*
3. 5exyguy
4. benorge
5. boooobsucker
6. BoredWife (Obviously not related to No5, wot?)
7. hardnthrobbing (This might be a migraine, wouldn't you say?)
8. Rigger_Mortisse
9. sandy007007007 (is that sandyrogermooretimothydaltonpiercebrosnan?)
10. ~trinetr

(Pls note these are all TRUE handles. You may check their authenticity by trying to replicate them)

I also chanced upon some User Created Rooms such as :

1. Huby talks about wife (17 Users)
2. Incest Lovers (17 Users)
3. Let the juices flow (1 User) (Poor sod heh heh)

Do let me know your views,

Your 'umble servant,
R. Mortisse Esq.

12:54 AM  
Blogger RUMS said...

You guys!! You need to STOP this!! You're going to forget what real sex feels like!

11:21 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi riggs,

I can't win with you, can I? How can event managers be serious? Their very job is to make people laugh.

The answers are:

1. Tit fcuk.
2. Same as above but between two very young ones.
3. Have tried sex five times with other guys.
4. A lubricant.
5. booboobsucker.
6. Originally BroadWife.
7. His wife attempting to asphyxiate him with a pillow.
9. Same as 1, a group tit fcuk.
10. No clue.

Room Names:

2. Since there are 17, one of them are conjoined twins.
3. He is just fruity.

8. Rigger_Mortisse: Considered to be The Original Mastiff. The Creator, Predecessor, Successor, Bodhisattva, Oligarch, Demagogue and F├╝hrer of the venerable club, SWTFIT. Books based on him: The God Of Small Things, Small Gods and No, We Are Not Talking About Waist When We Say SMALL. Soon to be elevated to SIAM: Sex, I Am Male. The last time a woman made a pass at him, she merely skipped him.

11:29 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi rums,

Can you help revive the feeling? Honest to God question.

11:30 AM  
Anonymous Riggs said...


What is real sex?

I shall tell you. This is from The Matrix .

You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? [Takes a bite of steak] Ignorance is bliss.

Therefore, what you think is Real Sex, is nothing but Ignorance is bliss.

Heh heh

1:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm so i got the link while on rediff chat and am wondering that this guys mentioned over here (the chat ids) at least they not pretentious ones... they rather single minded on why they roam the chat rooms...

Ahn you missed the many who come under the garb of 'good guys' and expert at keeping the chat going constantly on the mainz as well as in the redz!! and that would include all the guys on the chatters list except for the ones you mentioned out here or even the ones mentioned by riggs.

At the end of it all.. rediff chat i think is like the blue pill.. or was it the red pill keeps the ugly reality away for a while and psychological problems? show me one person who has no problems and i will show you a guy or girl for that matter who is lying!

4:46 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

I agree with what you say. Everyone I mentioned in here are people I have chatted with at some point or the other for the better or worse.

As far as problems go, well I definitely do not have one and I am not lying about it.

Well please tell me about these supposed good guys, I will stay clear, heh heh.

5:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q ,
Ah! So it was Ajit Balakrishnan ? That "madrassi"( stop !!don't reach to the dictionary , each and every Ramchandranan /Balakrishnan and everything beyond Nagpur's just a madrassi for us Northie) He's ruined my biological clock .Where he lives?

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear q,

Junctural Metanalysis...i for one would pay for having you dissect some of my faves on rediff chat...think...interesting income-generation option.

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

An ,
Yu sure yu would pay for this *dissection*?
Tx mon , i feel terribly good and happy now .( Here I was thinking I'm the only one who's taking chat seriously and ruined my biological clock over this *digusting addiction*) Tx again ....:)

1:12 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous-i-don't-know-which-one-you-are,

Yes, riggs has already paid me for the last dissection. I am willing to do almost anything for a small sum of money.

I don't know where he lives. If I did, I am surely NOT telling any of you. Apparently, his wife is pretty.

3:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure yu know she's pretty ;)
Here a good news for yu . I'm seriously planning to kill him .Now, tell me , where he lives ? And what time his wife wud go out ?;)

4:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i believe in sharing woes...doling out woes...if my bio clock is ticking all must be your respective clocks...ordained by me..and q, i am not interested in riggs...he's way down my hit list.

4:52 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

My biological clock is working alright. It is the other parts in my body that are being rendered useless.

I will give you the details for a small sum of money.

So where is the list? And why are your anonymous?

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi Q,

I am anonymous because i am on several lists myself. Though i am yet confident u don't know me.
I am known not-too-popularly as sleep-walker on rediff...the redzz woman because i hate chatting to a jumpy screen and where the answer to my question comes ten lines down the stream.
Let me find the most useful thing i can get from you for a small sum of money...other than ur bodily dys/functions. :))

5:58 PM  
Anonymous super said...

right mah first post to a blog ever.. the rooms are far more complex than what were qouted here , they have sound effects "ouii mah it hurts " and IVTEC wud not be happy reading this.. guess he doesnt like me too much either , he doesnt like anybody whos not like him .. and sleep-walker, riggha, qwerty, hey all .. im one of those "handles" too

1:23 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi super,

We all know who you are super.

Can we now get to know your love handles?

8:49 AM  

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