Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Titty Androgynous, Chinese Terrorist

Apparently, Dean Jones* did not say the terrorist has got another wicket. Inside sources have a completely different story. DJ in his South-Australian drawl said, this is true, Hashim Alma** has got another terrific wicket. Ten Sports***, DJ's employer has sacked him.

The newest trend in world cinema NOW is to make indigenous versions of Shakespeare plays. Though I haven't watched Omkara, here are some movies that have been made and will be made.
  • The Two Gentlemen of Verona: Do Aadmi Vadodara Se. *-ing: Paresh Rawal and Tinnu Anand
  • The Merry Wives of Windsor: Gharwali Baharwali. *-ing: Anil Kapoor as the guy and Kader Khan and Satish Kaushik as guys in drag.
  • As You Like It: Gaand. *-ing: Chhota Shakeel. Dawood Ibrahim was unavailable. The movie is about the Underworld. No, it is not about vampires.
  • Measure For Measure: Inch For Yard. *-ing: Rahul Khanna and Om Puri. Directed by Deepa Mehta, this cross-atlantic-pacific-mediterranean-caspian movie is all set to expose Why Americans Must Stop Calling It World Series Major League Baseball. The game, after 100 years is now accepted in only ONE country, Cambodia.
  • Romeo and Juliet: Heer Ranjha. *-ing: Anil Kapoor as Heer and Sridevi as Ranjha. When Sridevi finally married Bonny Kapoor, AK's brother, the movie failed to ring at the box office.
  • Hamlet: Ye Yan. *-ing: Danny Denzongpa as the Emperor, Minister and the Prince. The director is toying with the idea of having DD play the Empress too.
  • Julius Caesar: Working title: JC, The Passion Of The Christ. *-ing: Jesus Christ and yes, good guess, Mary Magdalene as Etu, Brutus.

Presence of fine-dining restaurants such as Chef & I, TK's Oriental Grill, Orient Express, House Of Ming, etc., cannot deter my wife**** from experimenting with Chinese cooking. Once in a couple of months, she is beleaguered by a certain sense of plat du jour*5 paroxysm.

This oddball disposition is usually displayed on Saturdays*6. After shopping for non-germane*7 stuff, we reached home at 2030 hours.

  • My wife started with finely chopped vegetables. After about three minutes, she brought out a food grater and started finely shredding the vegetables.
  • Next she mixed all these vegetables with copious amount of water and Maida. Apparently the binding material for the manchurian*8 is water. OK, I am kidding. It is Maida and eggs.
  • She deep-fried this batter not before burning our heels*9.
  • She then boiled the Hakka noodles and transferred the boiled contents with finely shredded vegetables into a Chinese wok*10.
  • She then brought out an Indian tawa and added liberal amounts of packaged Tomato puree into it. After dropping in other unidentifiable objects, she then transferred the manchurians into the simmering concoction.
  • Finally, we sat down to eat at 2300 hours.

The fact that I am writing this post is a testament to my wife's chef-d'oeuvre. We ate at Orient Express last night.

Yours jackiechanga.

* Born Dean Mervyn Jones was a prolific cricketer who revolutionized the form of chewing gum while batting. Any other details relating to DJ are merely statistical. Also, DJ is distantly related to, this is true, Roshan Mahanama. I am yet to decipher the connection.

** Born 20 odd years ago is the authoritative water boy of the South African team. With a batting average marginally above Anil Kumble's, he is a formidable cricketer against Papua New Guinea. Spotted at training sessions, Hashim Reshammiya was caught getting out to shadow practice, by which, I mean, Sourav 'Bachcha' Ganguly has an edge over HA. HA (not Ha-ha), a devout Muslim was found genuflecting reverentially (Salat) after a Brett Lee's bouncer. Ha-ha.

*** A very imaginative name for a fashion couture channel. I specially recommend the Umm al Qaim special where men in burqas sashay their derrières.

**** Self-proclaimed world-class cuisine experimenter. We are on a search to find anyone who will endorse this belief.

*5 French for inedible food.

*6 It occurred on the Saturday that just went by. My BIL called me around 1930 hours, wanting to know my SNL plans.

I said: I can't go out tonight.
He said: Why?
I said: I am going to have an early dinner and turn in before 2300 hours.
He said: Eh?
I said: Yes.
He said: Eh?
I said: My wife is cooking tonight.
He said: Alright. Goodluck. Swing by incase you feel sick. Antiseptic, ya know.

The last I heard of him, he was partying till 3:00 and got home after a heavy dose of caffeine.

*7 On Friday evening, we bought two packets of Hakka noodles (undone), Spring Onions, Capsicums in Tiranga colors, Garlic, Carrots, Mushrooms, Bitter Gourd, Lettuce, Broccoli, Spaghetti, Fettuccine, Tortellini, Fusilli and Benito Mussolini. In addition, we also bought Parmigiano, Paneer, Mozzarella, Cheddar, Stilton, Brie and Camembert cheeses.

I said: Do we need all these for Chinese cooking?
She said: Yes.
I said: It is unheard of.
She said: Go read Saroj's Punjabi Cookbook.
I said: Are we making Maggi Da Hakka?
She said: No.
I said: So, why are we buying ingredients for Continental cooking?
She said: Incorrect. Contingency.

I quickly paid the bill and sneaked in a very big loaf of bread and eggs.

*8 The only manchurian I am aware of is The Manchurian Candidate with Frank Sinatra and Janet Leigh.

*9 Not just another idiom.

*10 It is so big, we do not have a shelf to store it. In places like Macau, Mumbai, Manila, Cairo, etc, a few families could have lived under it's shelter.

*11 Titty Androgynous: Remake of Titus Andronicus in Bengali. Recommended for family viewing.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Sudha Prasanna said...

Hi
I am a new visitor to ur blog and I have read all your blogs and all of them are wonderful ..
I have one comment to make about your blog the only thing thats difficult is to go and read the *'s tat u put at the end dear

Well thas all for now
Good work
Keep going
Sudha

5:20 PM  
Blogger RUMS said...

Looks like you guys love anything Chinese... :O

5:38 PM  
Anonymous peccavi said...

well she said it*...what i been wanting to say all along....(*can the footnotes become bodynotes...such a pain to go up down up down up down up down...*13...please inserd read before every up and down)

5:58 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi sudha prasanna,

Thank you. Honestly, I am blushing here.

Nobody has called me DEAR since Quit India Movement.

Are you married?

6:18 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi rums,

Yes, particularly geishas.

6:19 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi peccavi,

I am willing to buy you a Subway meal. Are you willing to teach me HTML coding?

6:20 PM  
Anonymous Riggy said...

Hi Jackiechanga,

It was nice to see a normal post from you after awhile. You still have not told us where you absconded to, I fear that is the subject for another post,wot?

Why are you standing up for Dinanath Jones? He did call poor Hashim a terry-wrist. It was unfair. I would like to called Andrew Symonds an aborigine in Deano's presence and see how much he likes it. Speaking of aborigines, have you heard of a singer called Yothy Yindi?

I cannot comment on Shakespeare because the only works of his I am familiar with is Shakespeare in love. It starred one of my most favourite actors, Geoffrey Rush. I thought Gwyneth Paltrow looked more manly than some of my friends.

Has your Missus taken to watching Travel & Living recently? She certainly displays traits of one who does. I too, quite enamoured by Floyd Uncorked, Gordon Ramsey and Kylie Kwong decided to try my hand at cookery. I also, in a fit of sheer lunacy purchased multi-colored bell peppers, oyster sauceand other such expensive items that rotted in my fridge for weeks. I however, perfected the art of making an eggy in a basket, made famous by Mr.V for Vendetta.

Please invite me to your house for a well-cooked chinese meal, because, If Yan can cook, so can You.

Yours Wokly,

8:42 PM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

Also,

Please pardon my spillings. Since I read that Anony-Miss rant, my spillings have taken a turned for the warst.

Kindly Excuse.

Ps. Bad spellers of the world, Untie!

8:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey querty,
i've nothing to comment, but only a coupla questions:

did u get lucky after turning 40....that is by ur American, infidelity laws? when does ur wife turn forty? will i turn lucky when she turns forty?

hey dont get serious. just for jolly.

9:40 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi riggy,

No where in particular. I tend to suffer from blogger's block, by which, I mean, the ladies I meet for real are far more interesting than writing a new post.

Riggy, that would be the silliest thing, you can ever do. Symonds would simply bludgeon you with a bat, much like Mr.Aloo. No, I have never heard of Yothu Yindi. Was he Peter Andre before he got famous?

On the subject of V for Vendetta, are you like a crazy person?

I used to love Yan can cook.

9:34 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

Why are you repeating yourself? I have suitably answered your queries on my last post. If you have any other questions, please pose but with your clothes on.

9:36 AM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

Hi Qwerts,

Does this mean you didn't like V for Vendetta? I thought the artist now known as Hugo Weaving's voice was simply superb. And yes, he was a mean chef!

10:48 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi riggs,

I even have the comics. I collect comics. And, I enjoyed the movie thoroughly.

I am sure you know this bit of information but incase you don't, he played Douglas 'fast leg theory' Jardine.

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Dear Qwerty!!!
I also blushed after reading your comment .... Ofcourse I am married to Prasanna .. I am 34 yrs old and i am in bangalore .. If you want to know more abt me jus mail me at sudhaprasanna2000@yahoo.co.in

Thas all for now

Regards
Sudha

11:44 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi sudha prasanna,

My friend riggs swings by Bangalore everytime he is headed to Kolkata. Incase, you would like to meet him, I can arrange for a rendezvous. My gut feeling tells me, he is a decent bloke.

He is also currently the President and ONLY working party member of SWTFIT. I am trying to help him with an inch, so he can take a mile.

I will write into you someday soon, when I am visiting Bangalore. You can be my tour-guide.

Also, I should have guessed that you are married to E.Prasanna, like Abdul is married to Qadir.

3:16 PM  
Blogger Just Kiddin said...

Boss qwerty,

please change the layout / format / colours on your so that mortals like me can read it and enjoy.

Stop the Italics.

7:16 PM  

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