Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Raksha Bandhan

Jim Carey: One of Hollywood's most versatile actors, by which, I mean, he possesses an intrinsic and natural ability to screw up any kind of role. Nobody knows why he is invited to the Academy Awards every year. Also, acted in many quotidian movies like Ace Ventura: Freak Off The Leash, The Mask: I Look A Whole Lot Better, Dumb & Dumber: My Parents' Story, etc.

Today is Raksha Bandhan. The significance of RB in Hindu Mythology is skewed. Also, the origin of RB is dubious and enigmatical. After days of research on the subject, I read a theory on RB.

The first life forms on Earth were, this is true, Rednecks*. Apparently, after God created Rednecks and realized His mistake, He then decided to introduce human beings**. HBs can be easily differentiated from RNs:

  • Bipedalism
  • Prehensile thumb
  • And most importantly, an ability to fornicate with dissimilar members of the same species.

After learning about the promiscuous ways of DDs***, HBs wanted to infiltrate and perpetuate their race among RNs. This predicament caused unrest in the Redneck camp. Their race was threatened by, this is true, Sentinels. Rednecks were perplexed. They ran helter-skelter**** for help. The entire DD race was at stake until an astute DD suggested a plan*5.

Though Hindu Mythology does not necessarily agree with this theory, they cannot entirely deny it.

The concept of RB is rampant in our society. It (the concept) took precedence after the movie Josh*6. The sequel to this movie was released in the same year and titled Mohabbatein*7. These movies elucidate the Redneck Rakhsa Bandhan theory.

Yours larrythecableguy.

P.S: Incase anyone of you feel I have been insensitive, wait till I write about Bhai-Dooj.

* Unlike other races, Rednecks are born stereotypical Rednecks. They always live in mobile trucks and sometimes manage to drive them. Guys usually wear wife-beaters, a baseball cap and blue jeans, while the women wear daisy dukes and nothing on top. All the Rednecks share the same last-name; Hillbilly.

** This was not achieved by fusing man and woman but by merely using a technique called Xenotransplantation. HBs' were originally Chimpanzees.

*** DDs would do anything for a bottle of Miller Lite and at that time the owners of Miller Brewing Company were human beings.

**** Not the song by Paul McCartney. Rednecks ONLY listen to Country music and Southern rock. The Beatles are insects that they enjoy with a can Budweiser.

*5 Women Rednecks wanted to tie Rakhis around their male counterparts (wrists), as a sign of protection against human probes. Thousands of Rakhis were manufactured overnight and the next morning was celebrated as Raksha Bandhan. This sudden act of foolishness and asininity led to the age of sibling revelry, by which, I mean, All Rednecks are my brothers and sisters...

*6 *-ing: Shah Rukh Khan as the brother, Aishwarya Rai as the sister and Chandrachur Singh as the Redneck. Though the movie disappeared without a whimper akin to ALL Deepa Mehta movies, it received critical acclaim for highly-imaginative casting. Hank Williams and Kenny Chesney composed the songs for this movie.

*7 The only movie in World Cinema to have two intervals during the movie. *-ing: Amitabh Bachchan, SRK and AishR. Yes, like you all would have guessed, in this movie, SRK and AishR are two lovelorn lovers. AB plays the role of a school headmaster while AishR plays the role of his daughter. SRK is a teacher at the school. The movie deals with several relationships

  • SRK and a dead AishR.
  • Aditya Chopra and Uday Chopra
  • Jugal Hansraj and Anupam Kher
  • AB and some choir boys.

21 Comments:

Anonymous RiggyBandhan@S&MConference.com said...

Hooooooot!

My tummy still aches from laughin too much. Please allow me to tackle each of your posts one by one.

I do not much about rednecks. All I know is that Hillbilly country does not have a CSI Team like its more glamorous counterparts in Miami and NY. This is because a) There are no Yeehaw Actors anymore and b)(and this is true), all rednecks and hillbillies have the same DHA and there are no dental records. All of this reminds me of this joke I once heard. A redneck (called Billy Bob) comes and tells his Paw than he has met the girl (called Daisy Sue he wants to marry and that she's a virgin. Paw shoots that idea down by declarin that if she warn't good enough for her famly, she shore as hell ain't good enough for his. Yeehaaw!

So, my friend Larrythecableguy, I think you are very funny, especially when you say Git-R-Dun. Somehow I like your pal Ron White more. I say this because he seems a little more suave than the rest of you, no offence.

The SRK movie with Kenny Chesney music is a fine idea. Might I also recommend Brad Paisely? It is nice to know Chandra Chor Singh is still alive. I hope he is no longer an arsonist and playing with machis.

I will now come and see if you are available at Footsie

Yours BlueCollarly,

5:48 PM  
Anonymous riggs said...

Oops. I meant DNA. Scuzi.

5:48 PM  
Anonymous Sudha Prasanna said...

Hi Qwerty!!!
Well thanx for the immediate response... and Thanx for the wonderful write up on raksha bandhan .. I feel that we dont need specific days to be reminded brothers, sisters, mother, father, valentine or freinds or any thing for that matter .. Certain things come thro the life to us which are unforgettable ....
Well meeting your friend Riggs:-
Not a bad idea .. but i dont know since i am also working how far will i be able to meet him!!! that remains a question mark and i am not too very comfortable in meeting strangers either !!!!
Being ur guide when u r in bangalore:- Well i need one guide to guide me thro bangalore.. am not a good guide for bangalore....
Well thas all for now!!!
You know that Abdul is married to Qadir.. I never knew.. Thas why i made a clarification to you dear

Well rest after ur comment
Sudha

10:47 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi sudha prasanna,

Yes, we do not need specific days to remind our wives that we need some lovin'. I agree with you on the subject entirely.

Again yes, quoting you, Certain things come thro the life to us which are unforgettable .... For example, you. I would have to try very hard to forget you.

Sudha, I assure you, riggs is mostly harmless. I don't have his email address or phone number. He is no longer a stranger and should be open for blind dates.

Trivia: Sudha, did you know that Stevie Wonder used to go on a lot of blind dates? Apparently, he swung both ways.

Yes, Abdul is married to Qadir and he can tweak you with his doosra.

I am in bed, typing out this comment to you.

12:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Q,
Wondering a lot about RB day , is it like another million days ? Like Earth day , pollution day , save panda days , save world day , save sis day?

12:32 PM  
Anonymous Sudha Prasanna said...

Hi,
Thanx for mailing me as you were lying down in bed .. I remember that your wife has got you a laptop so can have it on your lap and then type whatever u wish !!!!

Me and unforgettable .. I wonder what made you say that... Explain pls ...

I dont anyway believe in dates so leave alone blind dates..

Can i know your name???

Glad to know abt Abdul and Qadir...

Hope you and riggs are not Abdul and Qadir

2:40 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

You wouldn't had so many questions, if you read the Redneck Raksha Bandhan Theory. I insist, you read the post again.

2:53 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi SP,

Yes, she had indeed bought me a new laptop and a wireless mouse. The laptop comes with a company fitted wireless keyboard.

I dedicate that Nat King Cole song titled Darling, Je Vous Aime Beaucoup to you. That is my explanation.

Neither do I like dates. I like peaches.

No, riggs is Michael and I am Holding.

3:03 PM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

I wonder if I can also say that I am Peter and Qwerty is Willey?

Yes?

No?

At least it's better than Holding - Willey ??

6:54 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi riggs,

Among other things you and I can be:

1. You Michael , Me Hussey.

2. You Wavell , Me Hinds.

3. You Derek , Me Underwood.

4. You Bob , Me Willis.

5. You Pat , Me Symcox.

6. You Ryan , Me Sidebottom.

9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

see qwerty we dont have any sister laws in our land like u have infidel laws in ur land. So try searching ur American law for "incest" laws. Why? U may even get lucky man. And u can sing and all that wid ur jolly good..i wont say. May be u can do great blog on that. U're talented man.

ps: it was nice of u that u didn't get serious. me too.

10:25 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

Please stop copy pasting your own comments. We can't shoot you for plagiarism*.

Honestly, if you don't shut your trap about now, you can deal with my friend Jame Gumb.

* Please don't look it up the dictionary.

6:01 AM  
Anonymous SP said...

Hi,
Well I think i need to have a dictionary beside me to read your comment ..

Anyway i have not heard the song u have dedicated to me .. Hope atleast i could hear it in future and hope that i would understand it!!!

Ok Mr.Micheal convey my regards to Mr.Holding too

Glad to know that ur laptop came with wireless mouse and keyboard!!!
Waiting for your weekend program post on Monday

10:27 AM  
Anonymous G said...

Horriblevisualbandhan@gross!!!


Was just reading this post at a meeting using my friends laptop. My insides hurt from laughing.


Sheeeshhh reading about hillbillies and woman rednecks I had this horrible vision of phoolan devil in a cowboy hat and boots holding a possum in her hand singin " She'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes" Yeeeeee haa....

But I have a suggestion...

Riggs and Qwerts..

Can't you both just be

Free + Willy = free willy...

4:57 PM  
Blogger RUMS said...

Check this out Qwertilita!
http://www.business-opportunities.biz/projects/how-much-is-your-blog-worth/
You too, riggilicious!

9:42 AM  
Blogger RUMS said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:42 AM  
Blogger RUMS said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:43 AM  
Anonymous M said...

"This post has been removed by the author" What does this mean? Removed by whom? Author of blog? Or author of post? Terribly curious . Censorship@net ? Not fair ....
What about Tom and Jerry for yu and Riggs?

11:01 AM  
Blogger RUMS said...

it was me, i had typed the link twice thinknig it was getting broken while being pasted! You're too inquisitive, M :P

4:58 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi m,

Even before I could answer your question, rums answered it for me. Hope you are no longer the pussy that didn't know why the chicken crossed the road?

4:15 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi rums,

I checked that How Much Is My Blog Worth? website.

It says, my blog is worth $1700 while rigg's blog is worth, this is absolutely true $0.00 A cruel world, I tell you.

To feed my curiosity, I typed in the address of How Much Is My Blog Worth? owner. It said, this is again absolutely true $335288791.76

I sent him an email saying, If those results are bonafide, then, he should sell his website for the aforementioned amount and buy a French Châteaux or a Sotogrande Villa in Andalusia, while he pinches cocktail-waitresses butts and sips on Linie Aquavit.

4:37 PM  

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