Junctural Metanalysis Or The Meaning Of Monikers

The second Wicket falls.

I am sorry for being out of circulation for a very long time. After visiting the Piccadilly Circus, Hyde Park, spending incalculable time with my wife's family and innumerable trips to Debenhams, Hennes & Mauritz* and Selfridges, here I am.

For the last two months, I have found a new pet peeve**, called rediff chat***. I have to admit that I have had the opportunity to meet and interact with multifaceted people****. Riggs wanted me to write about a few of the chatters that I have regularly private messaged*****.

Annotated below are the chosen ones*6.

Please note that all the characters and events appearing in this post -- even though based on real people -- are entirely fictional. All descriptions are impersonated -- poorly. The following post contains bawdy language, low blows and personal jibes. Due to the aforementioned reasons -- public viewing is avoidable. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely premeditated.

The author accepts no liability whatsoever. Only one orangutan was hurt during the making. You may not be mentioned, but you're here.

• i-VTEC: A work of modern art. An exemplary piece of human trash. Born in Transylvania, by which, I mean, a product of transvestism, i-VTEC rose to popularity after acting in a family drama based on his own family, titled Third Sex From The Scum. He claims his parents are Captain Barbossa and Ganymedes. Nobody knows what caused the psychological imbalance but people believe he lost it when his parents sent him a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."
  
• Gen Phir Khan Durrani: The original Star-Spangled Banger. Was a near-likely contingent for the Vietnam War. Also played an extra in the making of the song We Are The World. Celebrates Deepavali every year on 4th of July. Obviously thinks World Series Major League Baseball is a tournament played by nations around the world, such as, Angels of Anaheim, Cleveland Indians, Milwaukee Brewers and Philadelphia Phillies. Also believes George Dickel, Jack Daniel's, Wild Turkey and Jim Beam are the original Scotch Whiskies from Versailles and Mount Vernon. Probably drives Toyota Prius, supports Hank Biasatti, lives in a flat-pack house from IKEA and says God Bless America, Yip Yip Yankhee. Claims that the original track by Dire Straits was not Sultans of Swing but Sultan of Swat and the Curse of the Bambino was originally American.
  
• behenji turned mod: The proverbial mod. The Bible and the Quran believe Adam and Eve were the first man and woman created by God. The story believes that Eve was created from Adam's rib (a comedy from the 1940s featuring Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn) though she (behenji) argues she created from Adam's rub. According to The Fall or Original Sin, the Good Book says, You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall die though behenji believes Her Fall began when she first dug her fangs into a pizza. She also believes, the phrase, Women on Top is merely metaphorical. As a sexologist, her advice to people with bedroom woes is Whipped Cream & Strawberries.
  
• sanjeev_pilot_del: He is the misbegotten child of Rajesh Pilot. I took the liberty to ask him if he had ever fancied a job as a crash test dummy. I don't think he entirely appreciated my sense of humor.

* I convinced my wife to buy me an AEC Routemaster.

** disguised addiction.

*** started by Ajit Balakrishnan and run by riggs. Chat involves interaction between one or more members, usually of the male species or male species camouflaged as women talking, debating, arguing and agreeing on a myriad of subjects, namely sex or the lack of it.

**** people with one or another psychological problem. Someone would usually ask, Hi ahnooie, how are you finding it in here? or Hi ahn, I am going to get myself a bagel and a hot cuppa, can I get you one? or Hi ahn, can v hev cexxxx? or Hi ahnooie, hope rediff chat feels like home away from home? Everyone treating your well? or Hi, what a bright and sunny day. What's the weather at your place? or Hai, wat iz fer lanch & hw longgg r u?

***** a message you often send to a specific chatter, in order to maintain secrecy. For example, your date of birth, maiden name, favorite teacher in class or your childhood hero. RROC (Rediff Rules Of Chat) prohibit you from sending personal email addresses and phone numbers unless you want to be emailed or called. Rediff does not take any responsibility for stalkers, psychopaths, spammers or prank callers unless they are officially appointed by the company.

*6 they have all been randomly picked. I am an equal opportunity provider and have treated everyone without prejudice.