Ahnooie Turns 50!

Isn't it amazing that I have managed to publish 50 posts on my blog while my dear friend riggs continues to stay on the top as the leading and only member of SWTFIT.

It is a genetic disorder in women to celebrate every little, big and inconsequential thing. I personally do not have anything against such convivialities as long as I am not chastised for forgetting them.

I am talking about the numerous days that my wife celebrates, such as:

• One year since we bought our not so new drapes anymore day
• Half year since I splurged half the GDP of Bosnia-Herzegovina on personal beautification day
• Quarter year since my car got crashed and I suddenly realized that I forgot paying the annual car insurance while I had the cheque in my handbag all the time day
• Fourteen and three quarters of an year since I saw you kissing Santa under a mistletoe day
• Sixteen years since you have said anything nice to me day

These are no exaggerations by any stretch of my imagination. While we do not throw a party for fifty guests or fly to Bora Bora or Maupiti to celebrate them, we do indulge ourselves, by which, I mean, spend the entire day bulwarking a conclusively spiteful and testy wife. These are days when you wish you were married to someone with Korsakoff's syndrome. (A very simple procedure needs to be employed to achieve this syndrome. It requires something stout, very hard, blunt and ability to swing like Joe Dimaggio)

I thought, I will take this opportunity to update you all on all the members of my family.

Note: The following descriptions are all random in nature. They do not follow any order based on colour, creed, sexual preferences or intelligence quotient.

• Pop: He continues to have problems with having sex, by which, I mean, he can't give himself a raise. It continues to be a part of our dinner-table conversations and he speaks about it with the same ease as we would talk about the weather. On my recent holiday, I got him a PDA, which happens to be the ONLY time he gets to play with his stylus. The movie KANK has driven him to clinical depression. He says, after all these years, I should have chased my dreams and not settled for a bargain fantasy. I do not know what he is talking about.
  
  
• Mum: She is filing for a divorce or so she says. I am pretty sure she won't leave my pop because she loves me a lot. She continues to offer instant cooking crash courses to chefs at most restaurants. She wants to go to Ibiza with the members of Lonely Hearts Club though she is worried dead about being spotted by the paparazzi at Fcuk Me I'm Famous party.
  
  
• Brother: He continues to come up with outrageous and insipid business plans asking me to invest in them. His latest venture involves starting a germ-free Bukkake centre with lifelike silicone fleshlight German Goo Girls named Bonobo. I last heard of him when some friends said he was found painting toenails of some guy at the recently ended LIFW.
  
  
• Sister: I have nothing intelligent to write about her though she believes henpecking is a kinky sport. She continues to bully me and philosophize about living a truly honest and spiritual life. Recently, at some gathering, she said, you know, dad and mum are getting old, why don't you move back with them? I haven't called her since.
  
  
• BIL: He has tried to curtail his drinking, by which, I mean, not drink on Mondays ONLY. A feeling of abandonment and forsaking has surfaced among pub, bar and restaurant owners. On further investigation, I found that he is back to his old ways and his treacherous idea to cut back was farcical, by which, I mean, he was sick on that given Monday and couldn't drive himself to a pub for some brandy and hot water. He is lobbying to have the government pass a writ, which will replace our current national anthem with Kurt Weill's famous Alabama Song, later popularised by none other than Mojo Rising. In a failing attempt to civilize himself, he tried to go for some cha-cha-cha classes only to be kicked out on the second day. On further enquiry, I found out, drunker master is not a dancing style.
  
  
• FIL & MIL: I didn't want to waste space. They are fine. Even after 15 years of marriage, they continue to treat me like a son-in-law.
  
  
• Wife's Brother: Continues to buy absurd gifts for his son. The last time I met him he told us a politically correct story. It goes like this:
  
  Snow Caucasian and Seven Little Men. (All the highlighted portions in the story have been politically corrected)
  
  Once upon a time in a great castle, a Prince's daughter grew up happy and contented, in spite of a yellow-eyed wife of one's father by a later marriage. She was very pretty, with blue eyes and long dark hair. Her skin was delicate and colorless, and so she was called Snow Caucasian.
  
  "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the loveliest person in the land?" The reply was always; "You are, your Majesty," until the dreadful day when she heard it say, "Snow Caucasian is the loveliest in the land." The wife of one's father by a later marriage was furious and wild, began plotting to get rid of her combatant. Calling one of her trusty domestic helps, she allured the person with lagniappes to take Snow Caucasian into the forest, far away from the Castle.
  
  Seven little men found her and asked her to stay with them. They were named; Discontentedly, Ready To Sleep, Inclined To Sneeze, Self-conscious, Slightly Daft, Medical Practitioner and Blitheful Feeling. And, they then lived happily ever after.
  
  I am never going back to his place. EVER.
  
  
• Wife's Brother's Wife: She still believes her husband that an ulterior motive for choosing Little Mermaid's attire for Chintu's birthday party.
  
  
• Chintu: He continues to surprise me all the time. Last time I met him, he wanted to be a carpenter. Now he wants to be an Evangelist. I am surprised he even knows that word.
  
  
• Wife's Sister & Her Husband: This place is available for advertisements.
  
  
• Mintu: Shaping up to be the male version of his sister Pongy.
  
  
• Pongy: Go on admit it people, I know all of you were waiting to learn about the latest on her. She got herself a new body piercing but none of us have been able to spot it on her, so I am assuming it on a private part someplace. I didn't have the courage to ask her where it was, only because, I fear her stripping down to show it to me.

Your happyhalfanniversarily.