Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Ahnooie Turns 50!

Isn't it amazing that I have managed to publish 50 posts on my blog while my dear friend riggs continues to stay on the top as the leading and only member of SWTFIT.

It is a genetic disorder in women to celebrate every little, big and inconsequential thing. I personally do not have anything against such convivialities as long as I am not chastised for forgetting them.

I am talking about the numerous days that my wife celebrates, such as:

  • One year since we bought our not so new drapes anymore day
  • Half year since I splurged half the GDP of Bosnia-Herzegovina on personal beautification day
  • Quarter year since my car got crashed and I suddenly realized that I forgot paying the annual car insurance while I had the cheque in my handbag all the time day
  • Fourteen and three quarters of an year since I saw you kissing Santa under a mistletoe day
  • Sixteen years since you have said anything nice to me day

These are no exaggerations by any stretch of my imagination. While we do not throw a party for fifty guests or fly to Bora Bora or Maupiti to celebrate them, we do indulge ourselves, by which, I mean, spend the entire day bulwarking a conclusively spiteful and testy wife. These are days when you wish you were married to someone with Korsakoff's syndrome. (A very simple procedure needs to be employed to achieve this syndrome. It requires something stout, very hard, blunt and ability to swing like Joe Dimaggio)

I thought, I will take this opportunity to update you all on all the members of my family.

Note: The following descriptions are all random in nature. They do not follow any order based on colour, creed, sexual preferences or intelligence quotient.

  • Pop: He continues to have problems with having sex, by which, I mean, he can't give himself a raise. It continues to be a part of our dinner-table conversations and he speaks about it with the same ease as we would talk about the weather. On my recent holiday, I got him a PDA, which happens to be the ONLY time he gets to play with his stylus. The movie KANK has driven him to clinical depression. He says, after all these years, I should have chased my dreams and not settled for a bargain fantasy. I do not know what he is talking about.

  • Mum: She is filing for a divorce or so she says. I am pretty sure she won't leave my pop because she loves me a lot. She continues to offer instant cooking crash courses to chefs at most restaurants. She wants to go to Ibiza with the members of Lonely Hearts Club though she is worried dead about being spotted by the paparazzi at Fcuk Me I'm Famous party.

  • Brother: He continues to come up with outrageous and insipid business plans asking me to invest in them. His latest venture involves starting a germ-free Bukkake centre with lifelike silicone fleshlight German Goo Girls named Bonobo. I last heard of him when some friends said he was found painting toenails of some guy at the recently ended LIFW.

  • Sister: I have nothing intelligent to write about her though she believes henpecking is a kinky sport. She continues to bully me and philosophize about living a truly honest and spiritual life. Recently, at some gathering, she said, you know, dad and mum are getting old, why don't you move back with them? I haven't called her since.

  • BIL: He has tried to curtail his drinking, by which, I mean, not drink on Mondays ONLY. A feeling of abandonment and forsaking has surfaced among pub, bar and restaurant owners. On further investigation, I found that he is back to his old ways and his treacherous idea to cut back was farcical, by which, I mean, he was sick on that given Monday and couldn't drive himself to a pub for some brandy and hot water. He is lobbying to have the government pass a writ, which will replace our current national anthem with Kurt Weill's famous Alabama Song, later popularised by none other than Mojo Rising. In a failing attempt to civilize himself, he tried to go for some cha-cha-cha classes only to be kicked out on the second day. On further enquiry, I found out, drunker master is not a dancing style.

  • FIL & MIL: I didn't want to waste space. They are fine. Even after 15 years of marriage, they continue to treat me like a son-in-law.

  • Wife's Brother: Continues to buy absurd gifts for his son. The last time I met him he told us a politically correct story. It goes like this:

    Snow Caucasian and Seven Little Men.
    (All the highlighted portions in the story have been politically corrected)

    Once upon a time in a great castle, a Prince's daughter grew up happy and contented, in spite of a yellow-eyed wife of one's father by a later marriage. She was very pretty, with blue eyes and long dark hair. Her skin was delicate and colorless, and so she was called Snow Caucasian.

    "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the loveliest person in the land?" The reply was always; "You are, your Majesty," until the dreadful day when she heard it say, "Snow Caucasian is the loveliest in the land." The wife of one's father by a later marriage was furious and wild, began plotting to get rid of her combatant. Calling one of her trusty
    domestic helps, she allured the person with lagniappes to take Snow Caucasian into the forest, far away from the Castle.

    Seven little men found her and asked her to stay with them. They were named; Discontentedly, Ready To Sleep, Inclined To Sneeze, Self-conscious, Slightly Daft, Medical Practitioner and Blitheful Feeling. And, they then lived happily ever after.

    I am never going back to his place. EVER.

  • Wife's Brother's Wife: She still believes her husband that an ulterior motive for choosing Little Mermaid's attire for Chintu's birthday party.

  • Chintu: He continues to surprise me all the time. Last time I met him, he wanted to be a carpenter. Now he wants to be an Evangelist. I am surprised he even knows that word.

  • Wife's Sister & Her Husband: This place is available for advertisements.

  • Mintu: Shaping up to be the male version of his sister Pongy.

  • Pongy: Go on admit it people, I know all of you were waiting to learn about the latest on her. She got herself a new body piercing but none of us have been able to spot it on her, so I am assuming it on a private part someplace. I didn't have the courage to ask her where it was, only because, I fear her stripping down to show it to me.

Your happyhalfanniversarily.

52 Comments:

Anonymous Riggs said...

Hey there MrQ,

Many congratulations on the Big Five Oh. All I can say is Lage Raho Munna HaiBai.

It was wonderful hearing about the family. It has been many days since we had any information on The Family Q! I was thinking, since we know so much about them, I would like to put a face to the image that forms in my head when I read about them. If I may be so bold :-

Your Dad - When I think about him and his stylus, the only image that comes to mind is Walter Matthau in Dennis the Menace!

Your Mum - Shirley MacLaine in Rumour Has It. Just replace Kevin Costner with a chef. I mean, just talking, of course.

Your Brother - Oh boy, this was a doozie. Hank Azaria in Birdcage.

Your sister - I am not as well aquainted with Didi-ji as I am with other members of your family. I am thinking she would be like Joan Cusack in 9 Months, just without the babies.

Your BIL - I am thinking the BIL is a classy fellow, who likes to have a bit of fun along with his many drinks. I am thinking, Dean Martin in Canonball Run

FIL & MIL - Dare I say, Meet the Fockers?

Wife's Brother - Snow Caucasian and the Seven Little Men? He certainly sounds a bit like Ali G! Strangely though, the visual picture that forms in my head for some reason is Dan Aykroyd, no clue which movie though!

Wife's Brother's Wife - After hearing about her wardrobe malfunction, I am thinking she is more like Debra Jo Rupp on That 70's Show

Chintu & Mintu - Thankfully, no visual images come to mind. This place is free for advertisments?

Pongy - Holy Moley Ravioli - I have no idea how old Pongy is, but from your descriptions, the first thing that came to mind was Alicia Silverstone in The Crush.

Do let me how close I am to these marks

Yours Profilerly,

1:55 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi riggs,

Did you like the book, riggs? I just hated it.

1. Walter Matthau is a good description for my dad because the only thing big about him is his nose.

2. I think my mum would be Julia Child from The French Chef. If you can ever lay your hands on those shows, you will think cooking is a lot more fun than eating.

3. Frank Azaria from Birdcage is a good option but I would personally go with Martin Short or Wilmer Valderrama.

4. Given my sister, i'd go with someone more feminie like John Cusack from Being John Malkovich.

5. Dean Martin is a good choice for my BIL but i'll good with a combination of Dean Martin, James Dean and John Barrymore.

6. Don't be silly, riggs. Please don't misspell Fockers.

7. No, he is more like Larry The Cable Guy. Anyways, Dan Aykroyd wouldn't be such a good option. I'd go with Desmond Llewelyn.

8. I like that Debra Jo Rupp choice. Goldie Hawn also is a good choice. Incidentally that's her name too.

9. They could be Pugsley and Wednesday with one of them getting a sex-change operation.

10. Well Alicia just doesn't look dumb, she IS dumb. I'd go with Rita Hayworth or Cleo Moore.

You weren't far away from the reality.

10:48 AM  
Anonymous SP said...

Hi Q,
Oh Oh .. When i jus saw the title how i wondered that u have turned 50.. But jus started reading your blog and found out how wrong i was !! I know but i forgot that u jus turned forty .. Otherwise how can i fall in love with u!!!! HeHeHE...Its not that they celebrate all days.. It jus shows the amount of memory power we women have ... So jus try to appreciate it dear!!!!
Well thanx for giving a good description about ur family!! But why was there no description about urself my dear!!! Hoping to get a blog exclusively on u!! How about a blog on ur friends...
Hope none of ur relatives were hurt becos these!!!

11:31 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Hi SP,

What has my age got to do with your falling in love with me?

If memory is what you women are displaying by celebrating these days, why can't you all just play Husker Du?

Given the fact that I enjoy some underaged audience, I would prefer to show you my description than merely talk about it.

None of my relatives were hurt because the post wasn't about them.

How about I write one about you?

Incredible..................daft.

Though it was short, I am certain you definitely identify yourself with it.

1:18 PM  
Anonymous SP said...

Hi Q,
Thanx for ur reply
Well i dont have any intentions to see ur description.. so no need to show ur description
Incredible ..... daft....
If thas wat i am then yes...otherwise i would not be reading ur blogs either

4:15 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi SP,

Why do I get the feeling that you have understood my response?

Here is a small poem, I made up for you impromtu:

What are your intentions,
Lose all your inhibitions,
Don't worry about your trepidations,
Check out my description,
Accept my persuation,
And think about some fornication.

I don't know why you read my blog. That's a good idea. I am going to ask everyone here WHY DO YOU READ MY BLOG?

Did you read my rules on sexuality? What do you think about it?

Yours passion fruitly.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SW here.

Ahh....50 is a big number. In various ways. Good job..

btw, u know...woman that i am I also celebrate:

* the day i discovered that I am exactly like Charles Schulz's Lucy.
* the day i realised that marriage is not as horrific as I thought. It's only the hubby who is.
* the day i realised that rediffians are not real people...they are just scrap that falls out of your old PC, onto the chat screen.
* the day i realised I am the biggest piece of that scrap.
* the day I was told I look like ayesha jhulka while here i was thinking I look like winona ryder..

and some more...

great family picture though...all those rainbow colours in ur blog are justified.

Hail Qwerty!

9:40 PM  
Anonymous kaluha said...

why do I read your blog? hmmm! cause it provides some distraction from my otherwise dull and boring lunch :0)

1:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahhh qwerty,

the doc from toledo thinks u are a side salad...without a dressing?

sw

10:04 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi SW,

1. You are van Pelt? Aren't you just a fuss-budget?

2. That is exactly how men feel about women. Flipsyde.

3. I agree with you but I don't use an old pc like you do.

4. Gentle nod.

5. You think you are blonde?

Thank you, SW. Without people like you this blog wouldn't have survived.

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

qwerty,

if i have to look like winona ryder, does it matter whether i am blonde or brunette. It is called imaginative licence. Besides, winona isn't blonde...not always anyways...

10:12 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi SW,

Yes, SW, I am your proverbial hors d'oeuvre.

It is intriguing to know doctors from toledo, lil' tweety birdies from uyghuristan or kinesiologists from kastamonu ili are telling you a lot of things about me.

I can think of a great line for you. Roman Polanski says it in the movie Chinatown , You're a very nosy fellow, kitty-cat, huh? You know what happens to nosy fellows? Huh, no? Want to guess? Huh, no? OK. They lose their noses.

What do you think?

10:29 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi kaluha,

I thought you would say life.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous sleep-walker said...

kitty kats and noses that can be chopped off ...impracticable...the nose is practically not there...unless it is a feline equi of pinocchio...
besides, if we did not poke our noses in all places...how would blogs exist...and how would you know there is someone listening to your crowing on the other side of the deep, dark, obscure, silent virtual space...? so nosy kitty kats have their uses, my friend!

10:57 AM  
Anonymous SP said...

Hi Q,
Thanx for the response once again!!!
I understood ur response - Do i have a choice.. Well even if i tell you i dont understand u dont take any measures to make me understand them despite that they are meant for me!!!!
Thanx for your wonderful poem on me... I dont have any inhibitions... and i dont intend to think about fornication... (Finally i found the meaning in the theasurus. hehehe . anyway thanx for keeping me updated with lot of beautiful words and making me search for them in the web)
Well coming to answer why i read your blog : Its very difficult to be humourous despite the busy schedule of work we are in .. and its even more difficult to express it in words (This is jus my feeling) I find your blogs really humourous .. Thas why i read your blog.. Make myself light by reading them .....
Well i dint read your rules on sexuality... Can you come up with them again..
Well thas all for now

With passion on ur humor I sign off

11:32 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi SW,

Gee, I wrongly credited you with intelligence. Kitty-cat is merely a euphemism.

Yes indeed, nosy puddy-tats are useful; litter.

12:26 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi SP,

That is the longest comment you have ever written. I am pleased with joy.

The rules on sexuality are on the main page, my beautiful, right under About Me.

12:28 PM  
Anonymous SP said...

Hi Q,
Thanx for the compliment.. (Hope it was one)!!!!
But a very short reply for my big comment...Very bad!!!
Well i read ur write up on Sex rules... Mostly for men..nothing for me to follow anyway except for one or two
So come up with some others for me!!

1:41 PM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

Why do I read Ahnooie's Blog?

Simple, because, deep down, in his heart of hearts, Ahnooie loves me.

Also, I have a fetish for italics.

8:41 PM  
Anonymous sleep-walker said...

why do i read ahnooie's blog? because the campaign on rediff was very effective...besides, i think black background is sexy.

10:13 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi riggs,

It is alright to propagate that I am in love with you but why do you want to make that sound abnormal by saying heart of HEARTS?

Also, there is a chinese saying, Men with a fetish for italics, seldom have sex.

10:29 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi SW,

If that is the only reason, THREE CHEERS FOR RIGGS. HIP HIP HURRAY.

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

Hello qwert ... why do I read your blog ? .... coz i am Kavya Vishwanathan :P
Plagiar is all mine !
Rigged_Veda.

12:25 PM  
Anonymous super said...

why do i read your blog, well may be it lightens up mah day and boring afternoon, here i am reading this blog while i get lots of calls for personal loans which are declined without bank giving any reasons, shane watson and pointing are hitting boundries with ease, and mah dog is barking for no reason,, and rediff is boring as ever ..

1:19 PM  
Anonymous super said...

and happy birthday Q, when i get 50 i wud rather have Alzheimers or something rather than spending with in-laws, out-laws, or with law

1:21 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi julay!!,

They say, copying from one is plagiarism but copying from many is research.

I read that book and it was god awful.

3:41 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi super,

Thank you but I didn't turn fifty. I just managed to keep your interest for 50 posts.

On the subject of age, I turned forty on 31st, July.

3:43 PM  
Anonymous M said...

Julay:)
Rn't yu FLIRT*(ing) with this idea of plagiarism?
FLIRT=Flatter , Laugh, Indulge, Revere and Titillate :)
Now I'm wondering M I a Plagiarist?Naah , I only steal a word , right?

5:22 PM  
Anonymous M said...

Anonymous,
Heh , What did yu say a side salad without dressing? Did yu mean a *Naked Chef*? ( Hopes he/she'd read that book:)

5:32 PM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

Qwert yep !
.... I liked the party, wished the folks didn't drop by. Did Pongy read it ?
Lol these days people think google is research.

howgal-e-azam

8:39 PM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

M .... flirt .. wot ? aren't flattery and rever almost same ? I dunno what titillate means or may be I call it sumthin else.
If u want to keep coming as 'M' .... juss discarding the hand bag not gonna do , u need a nose job as well ;)
guns n' noses !

8:46 PM  
Anonymous sleep-walker said...

qwert,

i also read ur blog for the comments...sometimes i just read the comments without reading the blog... ;0

And Naked Chef...hmmm...delicious thought...

10:19 PM  
Anonymous super said...

Q, mah sincere apologies. Belated happy birthday nonetheless, and yeah going by the comments, the interest in your blogs is increasing like on my credit card, this one is good though

11:33 PM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

Dear Q,

It is the age of Google-E-Azam.

I am shocked to see that cad Julay comment here while the bugger still has not commented on my blog. I wonder, what is it that you have that I don't.

Who is Super? Can he/she give me a credit card? One of those jobbies that has unlimited limit? Can Super get a zero interest Car Loan ? Can Super make sure I am given money to buy a Plasma Tv? If required I can give Super my financials on rediff, albeit in a Private Room called Unhook My Chequebook. Please put in a good word for me.

As for Sleepwalker saying she reads the comments before she reads the blogs, I would like to think that I have something to do with that. Heh heh.

Happy Happy Sunday!

Yours Weekendedly,

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

Hey Rigger .... I prompted you on your long_blog_hiatus if not yet commented.Love reading your stuff gonna comment soon.
Yes you have everything Qwert has, Lekin us ke paas Maa -in- law hai :P
yours Gulty but innocent
Abdul Karim Telgu.

12:32 PM  
Blogger Just Kiddin said...

Qwerty boss,

Congrats on your 50. While I remain faithful to your blog, I would still urge you to format it for readability. You are doing me a great dis-service by maintaining silence on this issue.

I can't think of any wisecracks right now. I have just been informed that posts from my blog have been lifted and transmitted across the world with no acknowledgement of my genius.

See you in my blog.

jk

2:03 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi JK,

I have spoken to riggs about this issue and he said, he would read them out to you.

Riggs was telling me about some website too, which you are going to be a part of. How about we tackle the black background issues in there?

You mean someone has plagiarised your work? Well, congratulations. You are popular.

2:38 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Hello Everyone,

We need 12 comments to embark on a new journey into the future.

Please help me achieve that number. By doing so, you will be able to help me send two cups of rice to a malnutritioned infant in Debre Berhan.

2:44 PM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

Hi Q,

Here is 39, if only I was prettier I would insist you call me George Michael

Speaking of embarking into the future, may I be the Marty McFly to your Dr. Emmett Brown ???

Yours TimeMachinely,

6:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good stuff ahn.. Brings a smile on my face everytime I read the write up ..

10:41 PM  
Anonymous SP said...

Hi Q,
Going to celebrate 50 comments and i be not there... How come ???!!!
I am a well wisher of yours.. See I have made u ask why everyone is visiting your blog!! and not bad all of them are saying almost the same reason i have said too!!!
So three cheers to you to receive fifty comments to this blog of urs....HIP HIP HURRAY!!! HIP HIP HURRAY!!! HIP HIP HURRAY!!!
Signing of now and expecting another humourous blog from you at the early dear!!!

2:16 PM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

Hey Qwert.... can we go on tangents ?
nono/3/shimla n his fave movies are these :-
a) Home alone-3.
b)Hanuman
c)School of rock !
d) Chronicles of Narnia
e)Rebound ( its a middle school basket ball flick abt coach Roy )
narrow_misses ( sound of music ,king kong , home alone-1,Oliver, Hitchcock's Birds)

p.s : am authorised to write on behalf of nono coz he can't type :)
yours baby sitting

11:01 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi Julay,

Who is Nono? Except for Hanuman the rest of the choices were in very bad taste.

The near misses had better choices including Fay Wray's extravaganza and The Birds. Why is a three year old being allowed to watch The Birds is disconcerting.

9:28 AM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

As we inch along to'erds the Big Five Oh, I am glad I am Number Forty Four.

Come on people, keep posting!

12:30 AM  
Anonymous SP said...

Hi Q,
Nearing the 50th comment.. So i am also posting another comment for congratulating you in advance..Please see my earlier comments and reply to me dear...
I open your blog daily to see for a new blog ..But none.. Are you waiting for these comments to become 50???
Ok i will also patiently wait....

3:20 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Hi SP,

No I wasn't waiting for 50 comments. I simply did not have anything to write about.

Thank you for your greetings.

Did you go to a convent by any chance?

3:37 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi Riggs,

There is a rule about reaching 50 comments. You have to say something of consequence or relevance.

Just imagine you and I going:

riggs said...

1st comment.

qwerty said...

2nd comment.

riggs said...

3rd comment.

SP said...

4rd comment.

riggs said...

5th comment.

We could go on until the cows come home.

By publishing this comment, I have achieved number 47.

3:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I

4:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

love your

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

blog.. Read it almost everyday1 Thanks for bringing a smile to our lives. Am sure am speaking for many people around here. That makes it 50. Keep posting :-)

4:44 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous,

Heh heh, thank you for making it to the Big Five Oh.

Oh you put too much responsibility on me by saying I bring a smile to your lives. Please be aware, that does not mean I am going to play Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu

6:29 PM  
Anonymous Riggs - B said...

If only he stopped at bringing a smile to our lives.

Let me tell you what he frequently brings. He brings guffaws, chortles, loud laughter, phone calls from one reader to another dissecting the post while trying not to choke, cut pastes on Messenger windows and most of all, leaves us wanting more.

I see I am now a B-52!

7:30 PM  

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