Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Kane Able NaKed

The latest rage in the country now is Lage Raho Munnabhai*. I have personally noticed some doctors** dressed as taporis at free medical assistance camps.

My dad and mum watched Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna over the weekend. It has done wonders to their relationship, by which, I mean, they haven't spoken to each other in 48 hours. My mum was regretting her decision*** while my dad kept saying he missed Priety Zinta.

My wife and I also had the fortune of watching this intricate drama on our holiday with my wife's relatives.

Story (Full Of Spoilers):

The movie is based on the book Qabil and Habil, the sons of Adam and Eve, written by Jeffrey Archer though Karan Johar has done everything possible to conceal and deny this FACT. The movie has four central protagonists, namely SRK, AB Jr., PZ and RM (not to be confused with rigger_mortisse). SRK is married to PZ and AB Jr is all set to marry RM.

Just before the wedding RM tries to escape**** but much to her ado, she is guarded by AB Jr.'s sidekicks. RM finds SRK in a garden and they both get talking about life, death, babies and most importantly sex. RM gets married to AB Jr., while SRK is hit by a speeding car, all at the same time.

SRK loses his million dollar football deal because he is now rendered one-leg army. While all this is happening, AB Sr., is playing a fool. Ziiiiippppppp. SRK's and PZ's marriage is pretty beat. SRK is a limping retard who trains third grade kids, while PZ is haute couture. Also, their sex life is nonexistent. AB Jr.'s sex life is also nonexistent.

Both SRK and RM are looking for the deeper meaning of life, by which, I mean, they both are looking for fuck buddies. Anyways, RM wants SRK to help him rediscover the passion in her marriage, though limping retard has other plans.

While all this is happening, PZ and AB Jr. realise that they have been ignoring their spouses and plan to revive their relationships. So, PZ and AB Jr. sleep together and so do SRK and RM.
Finally, one day, RM realizes that he is not in love with PZ anymore and so does RM, coincidentally. They both meet up at Radisson and make passionate love. The 'moral-policing-conscience' pervades all human comprehension, thereby, in a moment of utter insanity and imbecility; both RM and SRK go home and relate their passionate love making with their respective spouses.

While the respective spouses do not make the same mistake of telling RM and SRK about their sleeping patterns, they accuse them of adultery and perfidiousness. The question everyone is asking is, why did SRK and RM lie to each other about their failed marriages following their confessions.

Three years pass and AB Jr. gets married to a gori chick. At the wedding RM realises that for the last three years SRK was living all by himself and runs to the station to find him. Eventually she does and SRK asks to marry RM.

PZ was the one who really got shafted. Part Deux might have AB Sr. serenading PZ for all we know.

But till such time, please Alvida Kehna...

Yours SamarjitSinghTalwar.

* in an irrelevant news update, Agha Khan University is offering Dawood Ibrahim an honorary degree in General Nursing given the success of the galA kATo Munnabhai.

** given the popular success of the movie and inanity of the public, the director is all set to release Munnabhai I.A.S, Munnabhai as Judicial Clerk and Munnabai: The Life And Death Of Peter Puffer.

*** she wants to file for a divorce on grounds of incompatibility and irrevocable differences. While I asked her not to be silly, I heard my father add, sublime perversity.

**** the actual reason was, it would have been very difficult to run in an Abu Jani Sandeep Khosla outfit.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

quite fab!

4:18 PM  
Anonymous LivinTheRiggaVidaKehna said...

Dear SamarjitSinghTalwar,

HaiBai! (no relation to Munnabai

I am sorry I could not follow the story of sKANK. For one, I thought sKANK would have lots of white trailer park trash women. For two, it was confusing to follow the paths of those initials, PZ and AB and SRK, more so since I kept thinking I was RM and was supposed to know them.

Also, sKANKs many twists and turns and plots and sub-plots sounded rather like The Bowled and the Beautiful (not starring Shane Warne and Mike Gatting). I half imagined Ridge Forrester being played by SRK and Brooke being played by RM and Etc.

Anyhoo, I am sure you will give us a synopsis of MunnabHai, Lagey Raho - ASAP.

Paikhaana saaf karna padtha, SmilebHai.

Yours Maakikirrily,

4:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I meant Maakikirrkirryly.


4:38 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi as,


4:44 PM  
Anonymous M said...

Samarjit Singh ji :) Papiya jhapiya ji :)
Ye ki gal hoya ? Everyone's sleeping with everyone and everyon's sex life's nonexistent .I'm terribly confused , tell us in simple word , did AB jr sleep with SRK? or it was only Karan Johar?
And what's the moral of the story?If ur like PZ yu would only get AB sr ?
Berry berry confusing istori sardarji .Glad I didn't watch it .

6:11 PM  
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6:44 AM  
Blogger louhanna said...

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10:40 PM  
Anonymous Sudha Prasanna said...

Hi Q
Good write up on KANK .. But in some places it was confusing.. But the film has made a lot of impact on the people. Whatever people were not able to tell out that their sexual life was not satisfactory has been told by Karan Johar. Have we gone so low that we are able to sleep with whomever we like???

1:35 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi SP,

Well I stooped pretty low ass far as sleeping with someone goes. I currently sleep with an Olszewski figurine called Bambi.

So, what were your expectations from KANK? Have you suddenly realized you are no longer in love with your husband or are you too pusillanimous to admit that?

3:10 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi m,

Right off, to set the record straight, I am not a sardarji.

Somebody asked me if I thought Karan Johar was an authority on handling complex relationships.

The answer is yes. His relationship with SRK and, yes you've guess it right, Jaya Bacchan.

The moral of the story is: DON'T PAY TO WATCH KANK IN POUND STERLING.

3:17 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi make extra money and louhanna,

Please feel free to abuse this blog as much as you want. Neither am I going to dissuade you from doing it or am I going to introduce that word verification crap to stop spam abuse.

It makes it very difficult for my blind readers to comment.

3:26 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi LivinTheRiggaVidaKehna,

I have one word for you. LAPET.

3:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi qwerty,

sleep-walker here..
Congratulations for sounding as confoosed as Karan Johar, almost. I want to share some thoughts born out of ur review.
one, it is indeed hard to confuse Rani Mukherjee with Riggs...for obvious reasons i hope.
Two, how I wish that car hit Karan Johar instead of Shah Rukh...and not in the film. That fellow gave half of India diabetes with so much of eye candy...and damaged corneas with teary stuff....remember how everyone weeps, cries, bawls all through KKKG...
Three, who is Karan Johar to talk abt marriage...he for one is quite unlikely to cross the portals of that holy golly institution...right?

12:38 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi sleep-walker,

You know, this is the problem with a large chunk of the Indian population.

We try to assess, measure, quantify, qualify, investigate, psychoanalyse and be opinionated about everything.

I never cried watching KKKG, DDLJ, QSQT, KKHH or for that matter KANK. I think there are very few Indian cinemas that can bring out that kind of emotion in me. Before you jump the gun and say, Ahh...another yuppy bastard, I want you to know, a large percentage of Hollywood movies are utter trash. I have found Italian, French, Japanese and German movies to potray the nuances of human emotion better than anybody else.

On subject of, Is Karan Johar the Authoritative Self-Appointed Septuagint on the Subject of Marriage, I would say, he may or may not be but he has an opportunity that most of us don't stand; which is, to direct a movie. You either watch it or shut up and go read your Jackie Collins novel.

This kind of attitude pervades all facets of the Indian society. You should watch cricket matches with my family. My dad and my BIL are forever telling the cricketers what to do and what not to do through a television screen and trust me, its has worked sometimes. They think the cricket board have done the wrong thing by ommitting Robin Singh from the team even though he hasn't played a game in 5 years. This, I am sure is the story in every house with a guy who believes that he could change the face of Indian cricket.

Incase, you think my verbose jeremiad made no sense, then you are absolutely true.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sleep-walker again...

wowowowow....so much of rage...you are not a yuppy bastard...I agree...so am i an opinionated bastard...my teeny little brain tells me you are calling me that through your angry reply...

i never told karan johar what he should do or should not...or for that matter whether robin singh should get to wear his pads...or should stick to changing his kid's diapers. Nor did I say I cried over KJ's films...just that as cinema goes, i as a thinking individual would like a film well-cooked, well-presented, appetising like a good meal...And when I cry over a movie, I'd like to have a potent enough reason.

my point is precisely that too...while KJ is lucky enough to have the opportunity, why not he make better use of it...and entertain and enlighten lesser mortals like me? And did i say Indian films are trash..or that only indian films are trash?

anyways, apparently, my 'opinions' grate on your nerves. I was just kidding in my comment but they seem to have set off an emotional outburst about the ways and vagaries of Indians in general...and me in particular...so, as you have suggested, I just shut up and go and read my novel..though not Jackie Collins..I come out in angry rash when I read her.

I retreat...this is your blog...your way...I apologise for intruding. Let your guns blaze on.

p.s. I happen to be a film critic..an award-winning one :((
I have been one for the past 12 years...for three newspapers...one TV channel..one radio channel...and two portals...
may be it is the long association with films and the Friday torture every week that made me so cynical.

11:54 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi sleep-walker,

Pardon my ignorance, Yahweh of Film Critics, I stand corrected.

All through the post you have assumed way too many things. Firstly you assume this is an emotional outburst doused with anger.

I have always maintained a certain sense of frivolity and flippancy through out my blog. This was just a straight response.

Well what Karan Johar does is probably what he can do best. Directors mature with age and we hope.

Will you compare À bout de souffle with Children of the Corn II? Think about it.

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sleep-walker again

thanks for the adjective..@ film critic...i was correcting nothing...no need for standing, sitting, lying corrected.

I have no complaints...not in the least with your flippancy/frivolity...in the first place, I think that is what drew me and many others like me to you.

But lemme 'assume' no more. I'll think if A compares with B...but won't shove my conclusions down your throat...

have a nice day/night/day/night/day....

11:07 PM  

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