Monday, November 06, 2006

The Weaks That Went Bye

I know, I know. It has been the longest time since I have posted anything new but I have my reasons and I cannot possibly tell you all about them. Telling would mean, breaking the Rose window of moral certitude.

There is a Chinese saying that says trouble and relatives never come alone. Neither do my wife and me. It has been rough sailing for the last couple of weeks because my wife now firmly believes, any problem, immaterial of size, shape, color, smell, dimension, magnitude or complexity can be solved by, this is absolutely true, eating vegetables.

I know, you are all chuckling and thinking; he is making this up, which is not entirely false. I have always tried to retain a semblance of truth. Based on her theory, every problem is associated with a vegetable. She calls it The Seven Day Vegetable Problem Solver Or Try Another Vegetable Therapy.

In a last attempt to relinquish our love, I have been eating bitter gourd for several weeks now.

30th October marked Riggs birthday. He turned thirty-five. It will be several years before the empirical value of his age will similize with his waist. Regardless, we love you, riggs.

Apparently, my BIL's sexual relations with my sister haven't been satisfying, by which, I mean, he hasn't had an opportunity. After acknowledging his need for sexual liberation and several drinks, I asked him to send me a questionnaire with his sexual problems and a promise to help him.

Given below are the questions and corresponding answers. Given his inability to use a computer, I am sure, I am in safe zone.
  1. Our demanding lifestyle leaves her too tired for sex. How do we keep our sex-life live?

    A. Help her in the kitchen and with household chores. You might end up doing it at the Laundromatte. You can keep it live by investing in a HDR-SR1 AVC HD Handycam Camcorder though I never liked my sister on camera.

  2. I have sex with your sister even though I don't really want to. Is that okay?

    A. Its absolutely okay with me.

  3. What if I want to have sex but she doesn't?

    A. Wanting more sex than your wife is man-like. Don't take it personally. Don't procrastinate over the issue and ask yourself, "Am I in this only for the sex?" The truth is, many men suffer from high libido, like you. When you want to be intimate with her and she doesn't, the rejection probably has nothing to do with you or your tool size.

    Though the chances of having sex are reduced to 50%, you can try to flip-a-coin. Also, you may choose something that you are good at, in your case drinking, and challenge her. The winner has sex.

  4. You know, I am well past middle age and so has your sister. How much is too much for us?

    A. No hypothetical questions. Are you drinking?

Here are some facts for you. Tells you exactly why you are lucky. Nothing has been made up, really.

  • One-percent of the entire woman population in the world is allergic to semen. You can use a litmus test to find out the acidity level.
  • One out of every 73 people are asexual. They would much rather cuddle up with a teddybear.
  • The good part is, 2 out of those 73 women are always turned on.
  • Women who eat chocolate everyday have a greater desire for sex. Exactly why your wife now needs a double bedsheet to cover her.
  • Being in a relationship increases a man's urge to masturbate. The sooner you accept this truth, the better.

Yours loving BILly.

11 Comments:

Blogger Sleep-Walker said...

hmmmmm....no!

12:39 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi SW,

Hmmm no, what?

3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and i thot i the only one abnormal

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every time this person wanted to do "it", his wife complained of having a headache...once he came home with a bottle of aspirin and the wife said "what did you bring that for, i dont have a headache." He got that look in his eyes and said "Ahaa , Gotcha !!! "

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahn,
As someone with somewhat more grey cells than i have grey hair(and my heads silver) said "Sex is like Bridge, if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand"
Cereal K

10:08 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous1,

No you are not alone.

10:52 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi anonymous2,

That is now a tried, tested and abused form. I don't think the ladies say, Honey I got a headache tonight.

With the advent of empowerment of women, they have the right to agree or disagree.

What I never understand is, is sex is mutually satisfying unlike cooking. They ought to agree more often

10:55 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi Cereal K,

Only after I read the entire old wise man saying did I figure out what you were talking about.

Mine is similar too. "Sex is like a Bridge, mine is too far", heh heh.

10:57 AM  
Anonymous M said...

Q , Mr.Kellogg ,
Yu guys sure it's Bridge? I'm wondering what about our good , old chess? I guess that wud go well with anonymous's *it*:), with it's "check and *mate*" quality . Right?
Ignore me , if yu guys feel I'm wrong here , I must admit i don't know much about either chess or *it*:)

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

M,
I thought long and hard and decided, no, I wouldnt want to corrupt your innocent mind :-) with my explanation
Cereal K

7:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fab..

4:46 PM  

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