CARcinoma

Much as the title suggests, I have found car buying to be a terminal disease unless you can afford to buy the Koenigsegg CCX or the Maybach 62 with the same insouciance.

Over the last few days, I have had interesting conversations about the street-legal cars available to the Indian public. Car buying is similar to arranged marriages. It begins with need followed by the elusive sense of comfort and luxury and finally ends with chagrin. The only difference is, you cannot change your wife as frequently as you change your car (if you do, it is no longer street-legal).

Listed below is a Buyer's Guide to the Ultimate Car Decision Making.

• Maruti 800: NOT a street-legal car but still has managed to make it to my list purely on popular demand. The car rose to fame when Gira Bagri and his entire family managed to cram themselves inside a Maruti 800 to set yet another Guinness Book of Weird Records.
  Pros: Cheaper than most mobile phones.
  
  Cons: Yes, they are.
  
  My Advise: Do not buy this car unless you wish to be overrun by a very angry man driving an International CXT. The car is now available in a new variant retrofitted with a Cat Diesel Engine for an additional EMI of 27,999/-. In a recent press release, the company has decided to discard the engine in an attempt to be the pioneers in eco-friendly push-your-car-as-you-go-along series.
  
  
• Maruti Baleno: Suzuki fooled the Indian customers by selling Cultus Crescent as their flagship luxury sedan in India. The only rise to fame was, in a bid to capture a greater market share; Maruti advertised that their air conditioning unit was on par with that of Mercedes Benz.
  
  Pros: Air conditioning.
  
  Cons: Over-priced for using the same technology as a Maruti 800.
  
  My Advise: When a Japanese car-maker manufactures a car with an Italian name; this is what you get. Unless you wish to drive a sedan with a 1980's design, don't buy it.
  
  
• Hyundai Santro: Introduced less than 10 years ago into the Indian market, Santro is the poor man's rich car, by which, I mean, most IT professionals feel it is an automatic choice for a perfect car. Occupies second position behind Maruti 800 as NOT a street-legal car.
  
  Pros: Tall-boy design.
  
  Cons: This design enables easy tumbling.
  
  My Advise: Don't buy this car if you are delightfully plump or FAT. You will never be able to reach the fuel hatch without getting out of the car. Also, as a rule, Koreans must do what they do best; eat cats.
  
• Hyundai Getz: Introduced less than 2 years ago, this car was intended to meet the needs of the unknown segment of the Indian population, by which, I mean, people either buy Santro Zing or Ascent.
  
  Pros: Creative market positioning and segmentation.
  
  Cons: No prospective buyers.
  
  My Advise: Pleaszzzzzzzzz..... don't buyz the carz.
  
  
• Tata Indica: In 1998, Tata Motors introduced this indigenously manufactured cab to the Indian population, so indigenous, the cab comes with a company-fitted spittoon. The company has introduced several variants of the Indica over the past few years trying to hard-sell it as a CAR.
  
  Pros: Tear-drop shaped design.
  
  Cons: Tear-drop shaped design.
  
  My Advise: Don't buy it unless you want to be called a cabbie-walla. The company introduced other versions of Indica named Indigo and Marina. I have decided NOT to waste space writing about more cabs.
  
  
• Chevrolet Aveo: Much to the Indian population's ignorance, Chevrolet - a flagship TRUCK company of GM Motors introduced Daewoo Kalos as Chevrolet Aveo. The car was introduced in 2006 with the catchphrase "The Indian Revolution", by which, I mean, the sales have dropped tremendously.
  
  Pros: Chevrolet brand name.
  
  Cons: GM Motors brand name.
  
  My Advise: When Korean car-makers build a car with a Greek name now owned by an American company, this is what you get, Chevrolet Aveo. Kalos in Greek means beautiful but the big question I am asking is, do we have to be blind?

Like always, I will answer a few questions from prospective and confused car buyers?

1. Ahnooie, I want a car in the range of 3 lakhs to 17 lakhs. I am looking for comfort, luxury, boot space, leg space, power and mileage? What would you suggest? - Perplexed peter.
   
   Dear Peter, I suggest you buy a Mahindra NC 640 DP. It is well within your budget and easy for you to carry milk cans and cattle.
   
   
2. Ahn, Please tell me does the new variant of Maruti 800 have airbags and what is the top speed one can achieve on it? How long does it take from 0-60? - Disheartened david.
   
   Dear David, The answer is yes. The red-colored heart shaped air-filled bags that Lolly will be holding in her hand after your first date. The highest speed one can achieve with the air-conditioning OFF is 30 km/h incase you have wind speed assistance. The highest speed you can achieve with the air-conditioning ON is not regarded as speed. It takes exactly one minute from 0-60 anywhere in the world.
   
   
3. Ahnoo, You keep saying all kinds of bad things about our cars. So what car do you drive? - Alarmed ajay.
   
   Dear Ajay, I drive an EB110. Go figure.

Like always, I would encourage you all to send me more questions for car buying advice and I will continue to do the best.

Yours James Maley.