Monday, November 27, 2006

Yes, I could not find a suitable title to describe Team India performance over the last few weeks. I have to admit that I am not an authority on the subject of cricket like my dear friends Bartman & Riggs. While there are many blogs, sites, talk shows, news feeds and expert columns on Cricket, I think, there are enough loose balls for the legging. (Antonym of offing. Also a sport Team India will soon embrace. The sport involves dropping two ferrets into the trousers of TI. The trousers are fastened at the ankles and the belt cinched. The player who can hold the ferrets in his pants the longest is the winner. The first rule of this sport is NO UNDERPANTS. WARNING: PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME UNLESS YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL CRICKETER. Based on viewership ratings, Ajit Agarkar will have not two but three ferrets dropped into his trousers.)

Given our recent success in 1981, BCCI is planning to revise player benefits, by which, I mean, they are planning to cut them. Current benefits include businesses such as Tendulkar's, Sourav's and Bata's, Sahara India Pariwar condos to every Indian cricketer since Roger Binny at Aamby Valley City and permission to lose.

My Inside Informer caught up with the TI in SA.

  • Rahul Sharad Dravid: Often spotted at after-match interviews saying, "After this resounding thirty-seventh loss, the boys have their backs against The Wall." Have you ever noticed the glimmer in his eyes when he says that bit?

    As a part of team motivation, the coach has asked TI to choose a song to describe them. RSD chose I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor. RSD is the worst slip fielder since VVS Laxman. Prior to World Cup 2003, we didn't have slip catchers because TI didn't have mildly-borderline-medium fast bowlers.

  • Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar: What is thicker? The splice of his bat or his head? If not for Mr. Butterfingers, Kemp wouldn't have buggered our bowling attack or the lack thereof.
    Current claim to fame: The cricketer with the highest number of one-day appearances. SRT's song choice, We Are The Champions - Queen.

  • Virender Sehwag: Ersatz of SRT. According to him The Corridor Of Uncertainty is a difficulty to find his way to the hotel room after a night of binge drinking.

    VS chose, Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who.

  • Wasim Jaffer: The good omen is he was out for a duck on debut. The bad omen is that was his only chance.

    WJ chose, Misirlou - Dick Dale. Nobody knows why.

  • Mohammad Kaif: The perfect substitute for Kumble or Ganguly. The mistake with my comparison is none of them can bat.

    MK might eventually end up playing the bad guy in Ekta Kapoor television soaps while offering expert advise on Cross-Batted: How To Get Out Played-On Every Single Time. MK chose, Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys.

  • Dinesh Mongia: DM chose, Nessun Dorman - Luciano Pavarotti. The moron doesn't know which game he is playing.

  • Suresh Kumar Raina: Another great substitute fielder option for India. Apparently, when SKR walked onto the field to bat, II heard Andre Nel say, "I don't bowl to virgins." Ha-ha.

    SKR chose, Do Anything You Want To – Thin Lizzy.

  • Mahendra Singh Dhoni: While batting, Andrew Hall was caught on camera saying, "Well left, mate."

    MSD chose, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – Wham.

  • Harbhajan Singh, Ajit Bhalchandra Agarkar, Zaheer Khan, Munaf Musa Patel, Irfan Khan Pathan, Anil Kumble, Shanthakumaran Sreesanth: Given our top-order success, they are the new full-time batsmen, part-time bowlers. Not that they could bowl much anyways.

    Gaand Mein Danda - bodhiTree was a collective choice.

  • Krishnakumar Dinesh Karthik: Not often do you see two wicket keepers play in the same game. This is a part of India's strategy to an early bird exit at the World Cup 2007.
    Nobody gives a shit what song he likes.

Yuvraj Surendra Singh must be feeling pretty good that he isn't a part of TI touring SA. Sourav Chandidas Ganguly has scored the quickest century in World Cricket yet. For more updates on it, please visit Sourav Chandidas Ganguly.

Yours well-(in)formed.

50 Comments:

Anonymous Riggs@KempsCorner said...

HiQ,

I am still having a really bad da y at work but it has gotten better after I read this post. I am off to Bongland in the morning, will comment when I am back. Who knows, I just might bump into Chandidas-moshai.

In the meanwhile, I am sending people from my blog here.

Cheers!

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Bart said...

Qwerty,

I am devastated that you wont put such profound writing on the site as yet. Mort actually called me at work to get me to read this. Completely worth it.

9:10 PM  
Blogger Neha said...

lol! hit the nail on the head! now if only you cld head to SA and do the same there ... pref with a sledgehammer ...

12:13 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Hi Riggs@KempsCorner,

How are you? You should have your company send you to Bongland more often. The chances that you might lose your virginity are potentially higher than any other place in the country.

1:15 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Hi Bart,

Good to see you. I am sorry but it is only a force of habit that I end up writing here.

I promise to write the next one on the website.

1:17 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Hi Neha,

I see riggs has finally introduced to the world of Qwerty. If not for him I would be writing sordid tales about my lackadaisical existence.

I wouldn't want to kill them. They provide for inane entertainment.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

Lose my virginity? Are you confusing me with Suresh Raina, Nel Sir?

11:48 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Hi Riggs,

Somewhere in Cambodia, doctors have found out through extensive research that women who haven't had sex over extended periods of time have magically grown back their hymen.

I merely extrapolated this concept to the superior sex, called men.

8:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Riggs is going to face Nel-anna?
Cer K

1:41 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Hi Cer K,

By any misfortune if Riggs is compelled to face Nel-Anna, it will be a classic example of dengue fever.

Do we need to send out a search party to find Sudha Prasanna? Riggs, any ideas?

7:21 PM  
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Blogger qwerty said...

Nice work anonymous.

Incase, I click on any of those links will a hungry leper in Djibouti be fed a piece-meal?

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1:20 AM  
Anonymous Mannat said...

Hey Qwerts,

How are you doin? Reading your blog made me nostalgic. I usually don't miss home(Chandigarh,India), but not knowing a thing about whats happening in the cricket world moves me to tears:(...how i loved watching the game when i was back home!

2:11 PM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

Mannat come meet me some time ....

11:47 PM  
Anonymous Mannat said...

sure julay, was thinking of calling you up sometime..

2:25 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Since when is my comments page your message board? What's next? Sudha Prasanna leaving recipes for Riggy because that's the only way he can get hot lately.

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

Hey Qwert .... rem Iqbal Siddiqi , Paras Mhambrey , Tinu Yohanan , Amay Khurasia also played for India... I rem Woorkeri Raman get hundred for Indian one day victory I think in east London SA.

11:49 AM  
Blogger qwerty said...

hi Julay,

You have reminded me names that I have fought very hard with my mind to forget. Thank you very much.

That hundred W V Raman scored happens to be the only time he would every score a century ever in his international career.

5:21 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

Hi Julay,

I am not sure if you remember this but W V Raman lived up to the Indian reputation in the following game. He got out for a duck following his century.

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Mannat said...

Qwerts,

I apologize on Julay's behalf for making your blog a message board.I was merely replying back;)....and, what's with Riggy? he asked sudha prassana for recipes and not me????? I am hurt!

6:58 PM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

HAH!

I can also get hot simply by standing in the sun.

3:58 PM  
Blogger qwerty said...

I am sure riggy. Sun burn is an alien concept in your town.

4:12 PM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

Qwert gets adulation for his writing abilities , Rigger gets recipes from the ladies ... what do I get ? .. WV Raman?

Hey Qwert ... 100 and a blob now is that what's called Raman effect ?

4:42 PM  
Blogger Sleep-Walker said...

what was the original post abt, again?

6:15 PM  
Anonymous Mannat said...

Riggy,

Don't forget the sunscreen, only the ones with 30+SPF will do:)

9:26 AM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

Mannat .... pls suggest me a cream that makes me lill presentable ... btw am in 'tayada' Chandigarh ... n' I can't stop thinkin abt you !

1:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looks like a proper lovers tryst this blog comment board.
Anyone wanting to get hot do visit me in July, I can guarantee temps of 45+deg C EVERYDAY! If it drops below that I shall refund your ticket money :P
Cer K

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Mannat said...

Julay,

First things first, we can't use qwerty's blog for saying hellos to each other(use telepathy). Second, Shiesido Bio-Performance Future Solution should reverse the signs of aging(I never kid when it comes to skincare!):P,Third, You liar!!! You can't think of me when you are in chandigarh coz there are too many pretty gurls around to occupy every cell in your brain. And, once again no more messages on qwerty's blog(Qwert, excuse me this one time).

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Julay !! said...

Qwert ... start charging two dollars per msg.

12:33 PM  
Anonymous m said...

Q,
At last I got a day off and read ur blog ........And...
As I told yu , I don't know much about cricket but my granny does , she's kinda walking , talking encyclopedia , and she seriously belives ......cricket's NOT a game it's a religion , and ur post's a blasphemy :)

Now for all Sudha Prassanas and others , why don't yu explain a lill bit about *Teflon 'ffect*?:)

4:36 PM  
Anonymous m said...

ps ......btw where's S.P ? I kinda miss her ;) Don't yu?

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

M i hope u dont want to be Tefloned :)
The Teflon effect in management terminology is very simple, shit doesnt sick to u if u are a manager and therefore Teflon coated :)
BTW i could do with an intro to ur Gran mom :)
Mannat doesnt even talk to me no more sighhhhhhhh
Cer K

7:41 PM  
Anonymous Mannat said...

Anonymous,

Are you the CK I think you are?(not calvin klein)?Well, a big hello in that case and if not, even then a big hello:)

1:32 AM  
Anonymous m said...

Mr.Kellogg,
Naah , Im' not in management , but I do know only shits happens there . I stay million miles away from all those types , I kinda find them "Maha Bore &Arrogants"(=MBA).
Now for Teflon 'ffect ..for Politicians and statemen ...To whom blame for incometence, dubious dealings etc , somehow fails to adhere .
And for all those Sudha Prassanas ....It's an 'ffect when nothing and I repeat nothing , sticks ..no sarcasm , no arrogance , no request , no begging , no pleading ..NOTHING .I guess it's double-triple layers of polytetrafluroethylene's coating does that for them .Lucky them ! I kinda envy them .:)Tx Q , we discovered "Sudha Prassana syndrome"( SPS) here .
How did yu know my granny's filthy rich?;)

11:03 AM  
Anonymous m said...

ps .....Sorry S.P .

11:59 AM  
Anonymous sudhaprasanna said...

Hi Qwerty and m!!!!
Why both of you making of me in your comment.. Well why dont u people dedicate a blog for me!! he he he .. joking..

Regarding your doubts..
I am not aware of your answers!!!

2:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mannat meri jaan,
I wish i were the Klein CK i need da money but no I am the CK the only one in your life sighhhh pour the wine now!!!!
Cereal K
M,
ur granma's mail id pliss :P

11:13 AM  
Anonymous m said...

See? Told yu , she's the perfect example of Teflon 'ffect :).
Q,
Yu must pat my back , I did bring her back here , from her hibernation.And she's right , yu must dedicate a song or at least a blog for her :)

12:11 PM  
Anonymous m said...

ps ...yu write the blog , i wud do the title .

12:13 PM  
Anonymous sudhaprasanna said...

Hi m,
I had never been into hibernation!!! I had been visiting ahnooie's blog every now and then .. but dint have much to comment.. thas why!!!

Anyway i have a blog for myself in my mother tongue (Tamil) if you can read tell me i will give you my link so that u can visit and do the needful

1:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

is that in tamil tamizh? or is that in English tamil?

12:26 AM  
Anonymous m said...

S.P,
Sorry , I don't understand Tamil , Im' a pukka Northie and everything/everyone beyond Nagpur's just a "madrassi" for us , just like everyone beyond Delhi's just a "bhaiya" for yu :)
(Something for ur ear only ..... Q , mite object here , yu can't advertize ur blog here can yu?)

10:56 AM  
Anonymous sudhaprasanna said...

Hi Q
Sorry for writing this comment reply!!
Anonymous!!
Its Tamizh tamil and not english tamil

Hi M
Thanx..i will not advertise it here.. thanx for the advise

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where is Qwerty? am missing him !!!

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

M, u called me a Madrassi sigh am so sad :(
I wud never call u a bhayya if u do the Odissi for me :)
Cer K aka Kellogs

11:44 AM  
Anonymous M said...

Mr. Kellogg ,
Odissi? Yu need an O(h!)Riya in ur life?:)

7:47 PM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahn,
you have to go anonymous for these posts :P
Cer K

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