Karva F Chauth

I have received hate mail from several readers complaining about my Sourav Chandidas Ganguly like consistency. I was waiting for the right opportunity to strike. Karva F Chauth is probably the most influential, all encompassing and fundamental festival celebrated by most North Indian Women.

Given its importance and significance in the (north) Indian context, I have decided to prendre la balle au bond. (For all non-French speaking readers, that phrase literally means, the next Bond will be a Punjabi)

Transcendental Guide to Everything That They Didn't Tell You About Karva F Chauth:

It is common knowledge that we usually do not know or realize the implications of numerous Hindu festivities. For the purpose of my study, I recently conducted a small survey asking all my family members, Why Do We Celebrate Diyon Ki Tyohaar?

• Dad: To appease Laxmi Devi, our neighbor
• Mum: Return of Lord Rama with his wife Dushala and brother Jalagandha to Ayodhya. Also, to commemorate the killing of Narakasura, your friendly neighborhood ghost, by Kkrish's main squeeze Jambavantha
• Brother: I follow Kabbalah now
• BIL: Taash Ke Patte parties and Daaru
• Chintu: Phatakas
• Mintu: Phatakas
• Pongy: Whatever

Such philistinism has prompted me to educate my South Indian brethren.

Story:

Long long time ago, there lived a beautiful woman named Vyjayanthimala Bali. She was the only sister of her several loving brothers. On her first Karva F Chauth, after marrying several loving brothers, she went to her parents' house. After sunrise, she observed a strict fast. However by noon, Vyjayanthimala Bali couldn't fast any longer. The several loving brothers, who loved her dearly, were perplexed watching Vyjayanthimala Bali in distress and decided to deceive her. The several loving brothers reflected a mirror through Pipal tree leaves. Vyjayanthimala Bali, easily gullible, broke the fast before sunset and ate food. As soon as Vyjayanthimala Bali ate her dinner, she received the news that her several loving brothers, were seriously ill. VB rushed to palace and on the way, met some of her childhood buddies. By the time she got back from the party all her several loving brothers were found dead because Vyjayanthimala Bali forgot calling the Doc. However, when she asked her for forgiveness, some Gods granted her a boon. The mystification of this boon is now celebrated as Karva F Chauth.

Process:

The process begins one day in advance with hordes of married women buying traditional adornments such as Tiffany creations and Baccarat fashion accessories, Vermilion, Matthi, Henna, Pheni, several boxes of Kaju Katli and dry fruits and an augmentation mammoplasty surgeon's kit.

They wake up early next morning, at an ungodly hour. After a kosher bath, they eat a lot of food and get back into bed. They remain in bed until 1800 hours when they bring out the expensive purchases from the evening before and decorate themselves.

In the evening, they offer Bali to their respective MILs. (Please do not confuse it with the sacrificial lamb though in effect it roughly translates to the same) The MILs then offer, this is true, I am not making it up, a figurine of Gowri Ma made of cow-dung to the DILs.

The Karva F Chauth story is then narrated by an ageing wench, usually the MIL. Once the story winds up, the women exchange their puja thalis and eat some more. Around 1830 hours, the wives wait for their husbands to arrive in a new Chrysler 300C.

Regional Names of Karva F Chauth:

• South India: Raksha Bandhan
• Muslims: Ramadan
• Christians: Lent
• Jews: Chanukah

Incase you have any further questions on this festival, please send your queries to http://www.karvafriedchicken.com

Yours harland sandersingjee.