Dust to Disk, Bite to Byte

Wednesday is the first day of the weekend for all IT & BPO companies, by which, I mean, they spend all of Monday checking email and forwarding insignificant and purportless emails to our mail boxes. Tuesday is spent checking for movie tickets online and check fares for Happy Diwali 2007. And then, it is TGIW*.

I have in the past had the misfortune of interacting with IT professionals**. Not too long ago, I had to meet another big cheese*** from a bigwig IT megacorp. While I waited for BC to arrive

Salient Features****:

• IT organizations around the world take great pains and spend millions of dollars on security*5, by which, I mean, everybody in the company sports ID tags. While the ladies hang these ugly plastic junk around their necks, it has been observed men store these cards in their wallets*6.
• All IT professionals wear service uniforms*7 to work.
• I spotted a guy who was wearing a dime-a-dozen hoodie, which read, I Love Albuquerque. He*8 was distributing Snickers bar miniatures, Hershey's sticks, Bubble yums, Jolly Rancher gummies and Twizzlers pull-n-peel candies.
• I also spotted a woman in, this is true, a ball gown. She was also sporting a bindi, chudiyan and wearing jootis.

Finally BC arrived. I will reserve our conversations for another time.

Yours hardiskly.

* Thank God Imma Wastrel.

** the thing about IT professionals is, is they stand out in any crowd, by which, I mean, they are usually never allowed.

*** it is true, most IT professionals were originally hoteliers, defense personnel, accountants, biochemists and supervisors at tanneries, bottling companies or power plants. All current IT professionals NOW are Y2K compliant.

**** I could have 'prepared' a PowerPoint presentation too but I am afraid, it is not a viable option on blogspot.com.

*5 while companies ensure that with access cards and SEI CMM level 5 security, no employee or intruder runs away with, say, mouses, monitors, IBM mainframes and magnetic disk drives the size of a household almirahs, they encourage their employees to

• chat on several chat sites and messengers;
• access personal email;
• listen to streaming music;
• and view LIVE! webcam shows.

*6 while some men produce their wallets and shake it vigorously against the photoelectric sensors, others merely turnaround and raise their heinies.

*7 men wear t-shirts and jeans, half-sleeve shirts and khakis or polo shirts and formal trousers. The common-denominator is shoes; sneakers. The ladies wear anything from tie-dye t-shirts to wedding gowns. The odd guy comes into work in a Kalamkari print kurta and a Kangol hat.

*8 he was trying very hard to put on a Jalandhar Cantt.-Yank accent. The cost of owning all those chocolates is effectively cheaper than a cup of chai in Irani cafe. Also, wearing a hoodie in this weather puts anyone at a major health risk; dehydration and eventually death.

Junctural Metanalysis Or The Meaning Of Monikers

The second Wicket falls.

I am sorry for being out of circulation for a very long time. After visiting the Piccadilly Circus, Hyde Park, spending incalculable time with my wife's family and innumerable trips to Debenhams, Hennes & Mauritz* and Selfridges, here I am.

For the last two months, I have found a new pet peeve**, called rediff chat***. I have to admit that I have had the opportunity to meet and interact with multifaceted people****. Riggs wanted me to write about a few of the chatters that I have regularly private messaged*****.

Annotated below are the chosen ones*6.

Please note that all the characters and events appearing in this post -- even though based on real people -- are entirely fictional. All descriptions are impersonated -- poorly. The following post contains bawdy language, low blows and personal jibes. Due to the aforementioned reasons -- public viewing is avoidable. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely premeditated.

The author accepts no liability whatsoever. Only one orangutan was hurt during the making. You may not be mentioned, but you're here.

• i-VTEC: A work of modern art. An exemplary piece of human trash. Born in Transylvania, by which, I mean, a product of transvestism, i-VTEC rose to popularity after acting in a family drama based on his own family, titled Third Sex From The Scum. He claims his parents are Captain Barbossa and Ganymedes. Nobody knows what caused the psychological imbalance but people believe he lost it when his parents sent him a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."
  
• Gen Phir Khan Durrani: The original Star-Spangled Banger. Was a near-likely contingent for the Vietnam War. Also played an extra in the making of the song We Are The World. Celebrates Deepavali every year on 4th of July. Obviously thinks World Series Major League Baseball is a tournament played by nations around the world, such as, Angels of Anaheim, Cleveland Indians, Milwaukee Brewers and Philadelphia Phillies. Also believes George Dickel, Jack Daniel's, Wild Turkey and Jim Beam are the original Scotch Whiskies from Versailles and Mount Vernon. Probably drives Toyota Prius, supports Hank Biasatti, lives in a flat-pack house from IKEA and says God Bless America, Yip Yip Yankhee. Claims that the original track by Dire Straits was not Sultans of Swing but Sultan of Swat and the Curse of the Bambino was originally American.
  
• behenji turned mod: The proverbial mod. The Bible and the Quran believe Adam and Eve were the first man and woman created by God. The story believes that Eve was created from Adam's rib (a comedy from the 1940s featuring Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn) though she (behenji) argues she created from Adam's rub. According to The Fall or Original Sin, the Good Book says, You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall die though behenji believes Her Fall began when she first dug her fangs into a pizza. She also believes, the phrase, Women on Top is merely metaphorical. As a sexologist, her advice to people with bedroom woes is Whipped Cream & Strawberries.
  
• sanjeev_pilot_del: He is the misbegotten child of Rajesh Pilot. I took the liberty to ask him if he had ever fancied a job as a crash test dummy. I don't think he entirely appreciated my sense of humor.

* I convinced my wife to buy me an AEC Routemaster.

** disguised addiction.

*** started by Ajit Balakrishnan and run by riggs. Chat involves interaction between one or more members, usually of the male species or male species camouflaged as women talking, debating, arguing and agreeing on a myriad of subjects, namely sex or the lack of it.

**** people with one or another psychological problem. Someone would usually ask, Hi ahnooie, how are you finding it in here? or Hi ahn, I am going to get myself a bagel and a hot cuppa, can I get you one? or Hi ahn, can v hev cexxxx? or Hi ahnooie, hope rediff chat feels like home away from home? Everyone treating your well? or Hi, what a bright and sunny day. What's the weather at your place? or Hai, wat iz fer lanch & hw longgg r u?

***** a message you often send to a specific chatter, in order to maintain secrecy. For example, your date of birth, maiden name, favorite teacher in class or your childhood hero. RROC (Rediff Rules Of Chat) prohibit you from sending personal email addresses and phone numbers unless you want to be emailed or called. Rediff does not take any responsibility for stalkers, psychopaths, spammers or prank callers unless they are officially appointed by the company.

*6 they have all been randomly picked. I am an equal opportunity provider and have treated everyone without prejudice.

She

Have you ever been overwrought by a perfect beginning? Ever imagined the sublime fashion in which, all great books sally forth? Books that were never meant to be, but influenced human cognition? This story is not about somebody famous, this story is about her.

Long, long time ago... no, ALICE was beginning to get very tired of... nada, There was once a sweet little maid who lived with her father... aught, Once upon a time there lived a King and a Queen, who lacked but one thing on earth to make them entirely happy... zot. In the movies and fairy tales you experience something and suddenly Adelaide starts playing, all the flash lights start blinking, the tempo changes to allegro molto and everything around you ceases to exist. That moment changes everything.

But life is not a fairy tale, nor is it a movie and a billion things happened to her while she lay there on her back and let time pass her by. She just never realised. Her story is nothing like Troilus and Cressida or Jane Eyre but about awkwardness, faux pas, misjudgment and really bad timing.

Things come to a pass at times and you need someone to remind you, you are worth everything. Here is what you never lost, but was merely displaced.

• Assiduousness. Your efforts for perfection at all times, working unceasingly even when you were vanquished.
• Friendship. Your relationships with everyone around you, never ebbing. For constantly upholding mutual respect and honour and for never acting as if you were bigger than life.
• Allegiance. To yourself and everybody depending on you. For coping with condescension and enduring self-respect.
• Alleviation. Helping at all times. For unremittingly listening when you wanted to be heard and tirelessly speaking when you wanted to be spoken to. For always finding the best way and not your way.
• Attention. A sense of disquietude even for your enemies. Your consideration to little detail, most of all.
• Ardency. Your conviction and impetuosity. For sharing your enthusiasm. For your good judgment and common sense.
• Adroitness. For your willingness to learn and improve. For your sprightliness, pushing others to succeed.
• Aspiration. For your proactiveness. For being modest about your success.
• Adjustability. For changing with the times and accepting everything.
• Ardor. For the joy, the tears, the laughter, the hope, the faith and above all, the love.

Merci beaucoup for your permanence.

Raksha Bandhan

Jim Carey: One of Hollywood's most versatile actors, by which, I mean, he possesses an intrinsic and natural ability to screw up any kind of role. Nobody knows why he is invited to the Academy Awards every year. Also, acted in many quotidian movies like Ace Ventura: Freak Off The Leash, The Mask: I Look A Whole Lot Better, Dumb & Dumber: My Parents' Story, etc.

Today is Raksha Bandhan. The significance of RB in Hindu Mythology is skewed. Also, the origin of RB is dubious and enigmatical. After days of research on the subject, I read a theory on RB.

The first life forms on Earth were, this is true, Rednecks*. Apparently, after God created Rednecks and realized His mistake, He then decided to introduce human beings**. HBs can be easily differentiated from RNs:

• Bipedalism
• Prehensile thumb
• And most importantly, an ability to fornicate with dissimilar members of the same species.

After learning about the promiscuous ways of DDs***, HBs wanted to infiltrate and perpetuate their race among RNs. This predicament caused unrest in the Redneck camp. Their race was threatened by, this is true, Sentinels. Rednecks were perplexed. They ran helter-skelter**** for help. The entire DD race was at stake until an astute DD suggested a plan*5.

Though Hindu Mythology does not necessarily agree with this theory, they cannot entirely deny it.

The concept of RB is rampant in our society. It (the concept) took precedence after the movie Josh*6. The sequel to this movie was released in the same year and titled Mohabbatein*7. These movies elucidate the Redneck Rakhsa Bandhan theory.

Yours larrythecableguy.

P.S: Incase anyone of you feel I have been insensitive, wait till I write about Bhai-Dooj.

* Unlike other races, Rednecks are born stereotypical Rednecks. They always live in mobile trucks and sometimes manage to drive them. Guys usually wear wife-beaters, a baseball cap and blue jeans, while the women wear daisy dukes and nothing on top. All the Rednecks share the same last-name; Hillbilly.

** This was not achieved by fusing man and woman but by merely using a technique called Xenotransplantation. HBs' were originally Chimpanzees.

*** DDs would do anything for a bottle of Miller Lite and at that time the owners of Miller Brewing Company were human beings.

**** Not the song by Paul McCartney. Rednecks ONLY listen to Country music and Southern rock. The Beatles are insects that they enjoy with a can Budweiser.

*5 Women Rednecks wanted to tie Rakhis around their male counterparts (wrists), as a sign of protection against human probes. Thousands of Rakhis were manufactured overnight and the next morning was celebrated as Raksha Bandhan. This sudden act of foolishness and asininity led to the age of sibling revelry, by which, I mean, All Rednecks are my brothers and sisters...

*6 *-ing: Shah Rukh Khan as the brother, Aishwarya Rai as the sister and Chandrachur Singh as the Redneck. Though the movie disappeared without a whimper akin to ALL Deepa Mehta movies, it received critical acclaim for highly-imaginative casting. Hank Williams and Kenny Chesney composed the songs for this movie.

*7 The only movie in World Cinema to have two intervals during the movie. *-ing: Amitabh Bachchan, SRK and AishR. Yes, like you all would have guessed, in this movie, SRK and AishR are two lovelorn lovers. AB plays the role of a school headmaster while AishR plays the role of his daughter. SRK is a teacher at the school. The movie deals with several relationships

• SRK and a dead AishR.
• Aditya Chopra and Uday Chopra
• Jugal Hansraj and Anupam Kher
• AB and some choir boys.

Titty Androgynous, Chinese Terrorist

Apparently, Dean Jones* did not say the terrorist has got another wicket. Inside sources have a completely different story. DJ in his South-Australian drawl said, this is true, Hashim Alma** has got another terrific wicket. Ten Sports***, DJ's employer has sacked him.

The newest trend in world cinema NOW is to make indigenous versions of Shakespeare plays. Though I haven't watched Omkara, here are some movies that have been made and will be made.

• The Two Gentlemen of Verona: Do Aadmi Vadodara Se. *-ing: Paresh Rawal and Tinnu Anand
• The Merry Wives of Windsor: Gharwali Baharwali. *-ing: Anil Kapoor as the guy and Kader Khan and Satish Kaushik as guys in drag.
• As You Like It: Gaand. *-ing: Chhota Shakeel. Dawood Ibrahim was unavailable. The movie is about the Underworld. No, it is not about vampires.
• Measure For Measure: Inch For Yard. *-ing: Rahul Khanna and Om Puri. Directed by Deepa Mehta, this cross-atlantic-pacific-mediterranean-caspian movie is all set to expose Why Americans Must Stop Calling It World Series Major League Baseball. The game, after 100 years is now accepted in only ONE country, Cambodia.
• Romeo and Juliet: Heer Ranjha. *-ing: Anil Kapoor as Heer and Sridevi as Ranjha. When Sridevi finally married Bonny Kapoor, AK's brother, the movie failed to ring at the box office.
• Hamlet: Ye Yan. *-ing: Danny Denzongpa as the Emperor, Minister and the Prince. The director is toying with the idea of having DD play the Empress too.
• Julius Caesar: Working title: JC, The Passion Of The Christ. *-ing: Jesus Christ and yes, good guess, Mary Magdalene as Etu, Brutus.

Presence of fine-dining restaurants such as Chef & I, TK's Oriental Grill, Orient Express, House Of Ming, etc., cannot deter my wife**** from experimenting with Chinese cooking. Once in a couple of months, she is beleaguered by a certain sense of plat du jour*5 paroxysm.

This oddball disposition is usually displayed on Saturdays*6. After shopping for non-germane*7 stuff, we reached home at 2030 hours.

• My wife started with finely chopped vegetables. After about three minutes, she brought out a food grater and started finely shredding the vegetables.
• Next she mixed all these vegetables with copious amount of water and Maida. Apparently the binding material for the manchurian*8 is water. OK, I am kidding. It is Maida and eggs.
• She deep-fried this batter not before burning our heels*9.
• She then boiled the Hakka noodles and transferred the boiled contents with finely shredded vegetables into a Chinese wok*10.
• She then brought out an Indian tawa and added liberal amounts of packaged Tomato puree into it. After dropping in other unidentifiable objects, she then transferred the manchurians into the simmering concoction.
• Finally, we sat down to eat at 2300 hours.

The fact that I am writing this post is a testament to my wife's chef-d'oeuvre. We ate at Orient Express last night.

Yours jackiechanga.

* Born Dean Mervyn Jones was a prolific cricketer who revolutionized the form of chewing gum while batting. Any other details relating to DJ are merely statistical. Also, DJ is distantly related to, this is true, Roshan Mahanama. I am yet to decipher the connection.

** Born 20 odd years ago is the authoritative water boy of the South African team. With a batting average marginally above Anil Kumble's, he is a formidable cricketer against Papua New Guinea. Spotted at training sessions, Hashim Reshammiya was caught getting out to shadow practice, by which, I mean, Sourav 'Bachcha' Ganguly has an edge over HA. HA (not Ha-ha), a devout Muslim was found genuflecting reverentially (Salat) after a Brett Lee's bouncer. Ha-ha.

*** A very imaginative name for a fashion couture channel. I specially recommend the Umm al Qaim special where men in burqas sashay their derrières.

**** Self-proclaimed world-class cuisine experimenter. We are on a search to find anyone who will endorse this belief.

*5 French for inedible food.

*6 It occurred on the Saturday that just went by. My BIL called me around 1930 hours, wanting to know my SNL plans.

I said: I can't go out tonight.
He said: Why?
I said: I am going to have an early dinner and turn in before 2300 hours.
He said: Eh?
I said: Yes.
He said: Eh?
I said: My wife is cooking tonight.
He said: Alright. Goodluck. Swing by incase you feel sick. Antiseptic, ya know.

The last I heard of him, he was partying till 3:00 and got home after a heavy dose of caffeine.

*7 On Friday evening, we bought two packets of Hakka noodles (undone), Spring Onions, Capsicums in Tiranga colors, Garlic, Carrots, Mushrooms, Bitter Gourd, Lettuce, Broccoli, Spaghetti, Fettuccine, Tortellini, Fusilli and Benito Mussolini. In addition, we also bought Parmigiano, Paneer, Mozzarella, Cheddar, Stilton, Brie and Camembert cheeses.

I said: Do we need all these for Chinese cooking?
She said: Yes.
I said: It is unheard of.
She said: Go read Saroj's Punjabi Cookbook.
I said: Are we making Maggi Da Hakka?
She said: No.
I said: So, why are we buying ingredients for Continental cooking?
She said: Incorrect. Contingency.

I quickly paid the bill and sneaked in a very big loaf of bread and eggs.

*8 The only manchurian I am aware of is The Manchurian Candidate with Frank Sinatra and Janet Leigh.

*9 Not just another idiom.

*10 It is so big, we do not have a shelf to store it. In places like Macau, Mumbai, Manila, Cairo, etc, a few families could have lived under it's shelter.

*11 Titty Androgynous: Remake of Titus Andronicus in Bengali. Recommended for family viewing.

Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye

That is a song by a nondescript singer named Beth Nielsen Chapman. I am sure none of you would have ever come across her.

I am extremely sorry for not posting any new posts. I will surely write one tomorrow without fail.

Hope all is well with riggs, pecc, rums, ekta and everyone who comments on my blog.

Somebody on rediff asked me Any run in(s) with the gooey kablooie? I said, You mean my wife? Every single day of my life.

Yours abscondingly.

Kaphi With Karan

Here I am today, typing with my new VAIO TX: VPFNGCHHHHTQWER-TXXX5280021GPPRSAIDS/VVXZOO. My wife and I have agreed that I will be unavailable* in the bedroom for a few days.

Like all women, my wife is a sucker for sales. She will simply buy stuff because they are available for less. Very recently, she bought, this is true, fourteen towels at TH** because they had a 0.007451% discount on them. We have enough cutleries to supply for marriage parties.

Anyways, a few days ago, I made the mistake of going to Barista*** for a bite and a cup of coffee. I really shouldn't have.

• The place didn't have any place to stand or sit. Where ever I looked, I saw kids and more kids, sitting down with their mates and this is true, working on school projects and home work.
• My wife and I managed to get to the counter passing a whole bunch of juvenile delinquents only to find a number of caffeine junkies****.
• My wife asked me to find us a table, while she settles the bill. I am inherently a peace-loving person unlike my wife*5. While I was waiting for a couple to vacate the table, Mr. Pappaji*6, Mrs. Pappiji and Master. Pappu barged across the room and occupied the table.
• My wife was wild*7 at me and followed it up by mouthing off a few indecipherable obscenities in her mother tongue in the general direction of the Iyengar's family.
• While we waited endlessly for some kids to finish their science projects, not very far away from where I was standing, a family was ready to leave. I moved over and stood behind the couch, waiting to plonk the shopping bags on the couch in order to mark my territory. (not on the family but that wouldn't have made a difference)
• No sooner did they leave the couch, another woman*8 came running to occupy the couch.
• After sitting down in the couch sans baby Jumbo, we waited long*9 enough for our stuff to arrive. Before our food could arrive, another couple*10 with a kid in tow arrived. They dragged two chairs from different tables and sat at our coffee table.
• The couple munched on croissants, oranais and french brioches, this is true, with a fork and knife, while their child was tottering perilously close to me, trying to grab my food and coffee. His parents were completely oblivious to this oafishness.
• Everything was going on okay until the guy, in an attempt to satiate his sweet tooth, ordered a Kugelhopf*11.

We walked out of Barista, telling ourselves never to walk in again.

Yours kaphilly.

* I want to experience the joy of a new laptop solitarily. She smirked, Ha! Like your presence is going to make any difference.

** A brand called Tommy Hilfiger. Originally from Hoshiarpur. Known to experiment with different shades of yellow.

*** Meaning bartender. The place does not serve alcohol or coffee.

**** It is absolutely easy to spot a caffeine junkie. He usually has a cup of coffee in his hand. They wear khadi kurtas, many beads around their necks and wrists and often read The Hindu Business Line or Kierkegaard's Either/Or.

*5 She played the role of Child Catcher in the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

*6 I only know their names because; they were all wearing the aforementioned name badges. Apparently, they moved here from down south and, this is true, changed their names for acceptance.

*7 Angry.

*8 The woman must have been in her mid-forties. Accompanying her were three older and very large women + a baby elephant. I gently informed her that I was hiding behind the couch for atleast thirty-seven minutes now and I should rightfully be the next occupant of the couch. While both of us were engaged in a momentary blitzkrieg firing sugar cubes at each other, one of the very large women ordered baby Jumbo to occupy the couch. This act of acute preposterousness necessitated the coffee shop manager to make an appearance. While the manager and the woman argued, I occupied the couch with baby Jumbo sitting right beside me.

I said, "Can you please have your child removed from the couch?"
She said, "Why? She is only a child and you don't need the entire couch."
I said, "I am also accompanied by my wife, who is right now paying the bill."
She said, "Ha! Who would have wanted to married you?"

At the point, my wife made an appearance.

She said (wife), "I did."

Wanting to have the last laugh, I ended the proceedings with, "Ha-ha, only if your daughter had a different face and was thinner...".

*9 The frame of reference of time that we spent waiting for our food to arrive was, the number of Presidents of America between Ulysses Grant and Herbert Hoover.

*10 The family consisted of a guy, a pregnant woman and a just born child. The guy sat at OUR table and dragged the coffee table closer to him, thereby, bereaving us of our food. At this point, my wife reminded him that we were already at the table and called him, "A Slubberdegullion." I am not sure what it means. Neither did he know.

*11 He did this by merely asking for a menu card and pointing it out to the aforementioned item. I am not certain if he knew it was made of rat's offal pieces. OK, I am just kidding.