CARcinoma

Much as the title suggests, I have found car buying to be a terminal disease unless you can afford to buy the Koenigsegg CCX or the Maybach 62 with the same insouciance.

Over the last few days, I have had interesting conversations about the street-legal cars available to the Indian public. Car buying is similar to arranged marriages. It begins with need followed by the elusive sense of comfort and luxury and finally ends with chagrin. The only difference is, you cannot change your wife as frequently as you change your car (if you do, it is no longer street-legal).

Listed below is a Buyer's Guide to the Ultimate Car Decision Making.

• Maruti 800: NOT a street-legal car but still has managed to make it to my list purely on popular demand. The car rose to fame when Gira Bagri and his entire family managed to cram themselves inside a Maruti 800 to set yet another Guinness Book of Weird Records.
  Pros: Cheaper than most mobile phones.
  
  Cons: Yes, they are.
  
  My Advise: Do not buy this car unless you wish to be overrun by a very angry man driving an International CXT. The car is now available in a new variant retrofitted with a Cat Diesel Engine for an additional EMI of 27,999/-. In a recent press release, the company has decided to discard the engine in an attempt to be the pioneers in eco-friendly push-your-car-as-you-go-along series.
  
  
• Maruti Baleno: Suzuki fooled the Indian customers by selling Cultus Crescent as their flagship luxury sedan in India. The only rise to fame was, in a bid to capture a greater market share; Maruti advertised that their air conditioning unit was on par with that of Mercedes Benz.
  
  Pros: Air conditioning.
  
  Cons: Over-priced for using the same technology as a Maruti 800.
  
  My Advise: When a Japanese car-maker manufactures a car with an Italian name; this is what you get. Unless you wish to drive a sedan with a 1980's design, don't buy it.
  
  
• Hyundai Santro: Introduced less than 10 years ago into the Indian market, Santro is the poor man's rich car, by which, I mean, most IT professionals feel it is an automatic choice for a perfect car. Occupies second position behind Maruti 800 as NOT a street-legal car.
  
  Pros: Tall-boy design.
  
  Cons: This design enables easy tumbling.
  
  My Advise: Don't buy this car if you are delightfully plump or FAT. You will never be able to reach the fuel hatch without getting out of the car. Also, as a rule, Koreans must do what they do best; eat cats.
  
• Hyundai Getz: Introduced less than 2 years ago, this car was intended to meet the needs of the unknown segment of the Indian population, by which, I mean, people either buy Santro Zing or Ascent.
  
  Pros: Creative market positioning and segmentation.
  
  Cons: No prospective buyers.
  
  My Advise: Pleaszzzzzzzzz..... don't buyz the carz.
  
  
• Tata Indica: In 1998, Tata Motors introduced this indigenously manufactured cab to the Indian population, so indigenous, the cab comes with a company-fitted spittoon. The company has introduced several variants of the Indica over the past few years trying to hard-sell it as a CAR.
  
  Pros: Tear-drop shaped design.
  
  Cons: Tear-drop shaped design.
  
  My Advise: Don't buy it unless you want to be called a cabbie-walla. The company introduced other versions of Indica named Indigo and Marina. I have decided NOT to waste space writing about more cabs.
  
  
• Chevrolet Aveo: Much to the Indian population's ignorance, Chevrolet - a flagship TRUCK company of GM Motors introduced Daewoo Kalos as Chevrolet Aveo. The car was introduced in 2006 with the catchphrase "The Indian Revolution", by which, I mean, the sales have dropped tremendously.
  
  Pros: Chevrolet brand name.
  
  Cons: GM Motors brand name.
  
  My Advise: When Korean car-makers build a car with a Greek name now owned by an American company, this is what you get, Chevrolet Aveo. Kalos in Greek means beautiful but the big question I am asking is, do we have to be blind?

Like always, I will answer a few questions from prospective and confused car buyers?

1. Ahnooie, I want a car in the range of 3 lakhs to 17 lakhs. I am looking for comfort, luxury, boot space, leg space, power and mileage? What would you suggest? - Perplexed peter.
   
   Dear Peter, I suggest you buy a Mahindra NC 640 DP. It is well within your budget and easy for you to carry milk cans and cattle.
   
   
2. Ahn, Please tell me does the new variant of Maruti 800 have airbags and what is the top speed one can achieve on it? How long does it take from 0-60? - Disheartened david.
   
   Dear David, The answer is yes. The red-colored heart shaped air-filled bags that Lolly will be holding in her hand after your first date. The highest speed one can achieve with the air-conditioning OFF is 30 km/h incase you have wind speed assistance. The highest speed you can achieve with the air-conditioning ON is not regarded as speed. It takes exactly one minute from 0-60 anywhere in the world.
   
   
3. Ahnoo, You keep saying all kinds of bad things about our cars. So what car do you drive? - Alarmed ajay.
   
   Dear Ajay, I drive an EB110. Go figure.

Like always, I would encourage you all to send me more questions for car buying advice and I will continue to do the best.

Yours James Maley.

Ahnooie Turns 50!

Isn't it amazing that I have managed to publish 50 posts on my blog while my dear friend riggs continues to stay on the top as the leading and only member of SWTFIT.

It is a genetic disorder in women to celebrate every little, big and inconsequential thing. I personally do not have anything against such convivialities as long as I am not chastised for forgetting them.

I am talking about the numerous days that my wife celebrates, such as:

• One year since we bought our not so new drapes anymore day
• Half year since I splurged half the GDP of Bosnia-Herzegovina on personal beautification day
• Quarter year since my car got crashed and I suddenly realized that I forgot paying the annual car insurance while I had the cheque in my handbag all the time day
• Fourteen and three quarters of an year since I saw you kissing Santa under a mistletoe day
• Sixteen years since you have said anything nice to me day

These are no exaggerations by any stretch of my imagination. While we do not throw a party for fifty guests or fly to Bora Bora or Maupiti to celebrate them, we do indulge ourselves, by which, I mean, spend the entire day bulwarking a conclusively spiteful and testy wife. These are days when you wish you were married to someone with Korsakoff's syndrome. (A very simple procedure needs to be employed to achieve this syndrome. It requires something stout, very hard, blunt and ability to swing like Joe Dimaggio)

I thought, I will take this opportunity to update you all on all the members of my family.

Note: The following descriptions are all random in nature. They do not follow any order based on colour, creed, sexual preferences or intelligence quotient.

• Pop: He continues to have problems with having sex, by which, I mean, he can't give himself a raise. It continues to be a part of our dinner-table conversations and he speaks about it with the same ease as we would talk about the weather. On my recent holiday, I got him a PDA, which happens to be the ONLY time he gets to play with his stylus. The movie KANK has driven him to clinical depression. He says, after all these years, I should have chased my dreams and not settled for a bargain fantasy. I do not know what he is talking about.
  
  
• Mum: She is filing for a divorce or so she says. I am pretty sure she won't leave my pop because she loves me a lot. She continues to offer instant cooking crash courses to chefs at most restaurants. She wants to go to Ibiza with the members of Lonely Hearts Club though she is worried dead about being spotted by the paparazzi at Fcuk Me I'm Famous party.
  
  
• Brother: He continues to come up with outrageous and insipid business plans asking me to invest in them. His latest venture involves starting a germ-free Bukkake centre with lifelike silicone fleshlight German Goo Girls named Bonobo. I last heard of him when some friends said he was found painting toenails of some guy at the recently ended LIFW.
  
  
• Sister: I have nothing intelligent to write about her though she believes henpecking is a kinky sport. She continues to bully me and philosophize about living a truly honest and spiritual life. Recently, at some gathering, she said, you know, dad and mum are getting old, why don't you move back with them? I haven't called her since.
  
  
• BIL: He has tried to curtail his drinking, by which, I mean, not drink on Mondays ONLY. A feeling of abandonment and forsaking has surfaced among pub, bar and restaurant owners. On further investigation, I found that he is back to his old ways and his treacherous idea to cut back was farcical, by which, I mean, he was sick on that given Monday and couldn't drive himself to a pub for some brandy and hot water. He is lobbying to have the government pass a writ, which will replace our current national anthem with Kurt Weill's famous Alabama Song, later popularised by none other than Mojo Rising. In a failing attempt to civilize himself, he tried to go for some cha-cha-cha classes only to be kicked out on the second day. On further enquiry, I found out, drunker master is not a dancing style.
  
  
• FIL & MIL: I didn't want to waste space. They are fine. Even after 15 years of marriage, they continue to treat me like a son-in-law.
  
  
• Wife's Brother: Continues to buy absurd gifts for his son. The last time I met him he told us a politically correct story. It goes like this:
  
  Snow Caucasian and Seven Little Men. (All the highlighted portions in the story have been politically corrected)
  
  Once upon a time in a great castle, a Prince's daughter grew up happy and contented, in spite of a yellow-eyed wife of one's father by a later marriage. She was very pretty, with blue eyes and long dark hair. Her skin was delicate and colorless, and so she was called Snow Caucasian.
  
  "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the loveliest person in the land?" The reply was always; "You are, your Majesty," until the dreadful day when she heard it say, "Snow Caucasian is the loveliest in the land." The wife of one's father by a later marriage was furious and wild, began plotting to get rid of her combatant. Calling one of her trusty domestic helps, she allured the person with lagniappes to take Snow Caucasian into the forest, far away from the Castle.
  
  Seven little men found her and asked her to stay with them. They were named; Discontentedly, Ready To Sleep, Inclined To Sneeze, Self-conscious, Slightly Daft, Medical Practitioner and Blitheful Feeling. And, they then lived happily ever after.
  
  I am never going back to his place. EVER.
  
  
• Wife's Brother's Wife: She still believes her husband that an ulterior motive for choosing Little Mermaid's attire for Chintu's birthday party.
  
  
• Chintu: He continues to surprise me all the time. Last time I met him, he wanted to be a carpenter. Now he wants to be an Evangelist. I am surprised he even knows that word.
  
  
• Wife's Sister & Her Husband: This place is available for advertisements.
  
  
• Mintu: Shaping up to be the male version of his sister Pongy.
  
  
• Pongy: Go on admit it people, I know all of you were waiting to learn about the latest on her. She got herself a new body piercing but none of us have been able to spot it on her, so I am assuming it on a private part someplace. I didn't have the courage to ask her where it was, only because, I fear her stripping down to show it to me.

Your happyhalfanniversarily.

Cuckolding Hotmale

I received an email recently.

Welcome to Mikrosoft Hotmale! You're now a member of the world's largest free Web-based emale service. With advanced features such as junk emale filters to stop most unsolicited massages from reaching your inbox, Hotmale isn't just the most popular emale choice—it's the smarmy choice. Feel more secure - Keep your massages and inbox free from contamination with powerful sperm filters, virus scanning and cleaning, and privates protection.

Easily connect & share - Send and receive emales from any Web connection.

Express Yourself - Have fun personalizing emale to friends and family with unique emoticons, signatures, background choices, fonts, and layout styles.

• Don't forget to send your friends and family a change-of-emale, notifying them of your new Mikrosoft Hotmale.
  
• Save your contacts to Hotmale—it's fast and easy. Growing your Hotmale Contacts saves you time in a number of ways. If you build your Contacts, you don't have to try each individual emale. You can simply select from the individuals or groups in your Contacts —and bend. Even better, with Hotmale you can check your emale from anywhere, and your Contacts are always available to you, even if you're not using your own.
  
• Ready to add a new contact? Just follow these three easy steps:
  1. Click the Contacts
  2. Click the New drop-down arrow and select Contact
  3. Fill in and click Save
  
• Don't forget—you can also have instant online contacts with Mikrosoft Hotmale. Hotmale uses your Contacts to show you who is online when you are, so you can immediately start up a contact with your Mikrosoft emale.
  
• Protect your inbox from junk emale. Now that you're sending and receiving emale, the junk emale filter will help prevent receiving unwanted massages. Here's how:
  1. Click Junk EMale Protection
  2. Click Junk EMale Filter
  3. Select your desired level and click OK.

We hope this information helps you get started. Once again, welcome to Mikrosoft Hotmale. We appreciate having you as a customer.

Sincerely,
The Mikrosoft Hotmale Teen.

Thank you for being a Hotmale Member. Click here to read the Mikrosoft privates statement.

Tell-Tale Signs of a Cheating Spouse or How I Managed to Nail My Sheband, Ouch!:

Husband:

• He is spending more time in the restroom than in the bedroom
• He hasn't told you about his new playmates Sydnee Steele's Cyberskin Dual Entry Pet Mousse and Chelsea Sinclaire's Sweet Secret Intimiate Passage
• He knows his hand like the back of his plam
• You notice his pecs, lats, triceps and biceps are more prominent than the rest of his body
• He replaces the Nivea with Jergens
• The Hand That Rocks The Cradle is a COOL movie
• He calls himself "Fast Hand Is Still My First Name"
• Handycam means spending hours together in solitude on the internet
• He would rather celebrate Palm Sunday than Valentine's Day
• He would much rather shake to Chucky Berry's My Ding-A-Ling-A-Ling than jive to Billy Gilman's Little Bitty Pretty one
• And finally, he thinks a lesbian with fat fingers is well hung.

Wife:

• I have little or no information about cheating patterns among wives. I would like everybody to fill this space.

Yours drillmates.

Kane Able NaKed

The latest rage in the country now is Lage Raho Munnabhai*. I have personally noticed some doctors** dressed as taporis at free medical assistance camps.

My dad and mum watched Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna over the weekend. It has done wonders to their relationship, by which, I mean, they haven't spoken to each other in 48 hours. My mum was regretting her decision*** while my dad kept saying he missed Priety Zinta.

My wife and I also had the fortune of watching this intricate drama on our holiday with my wife's relatives.

Story (Full Of Spoilers):

The movie is based on the book Qabil and Habil, the sons of Adam and Eve, written by Jeffrey Archer though Karan Johar has done everything possible to conceal and deny this FACT. The movie has four central protagonists, namely SRK, AB Jr., PZ and RM (not to be confused with rigger_mortisse). SRK is married to PZ and AB Jr is all set to marry RM.

Just before the wedding RM tries to escape**** but much to her ado, she is guarded by AB Jr.'s sidekicks. RM finds SRK in a garden and they both get talking about life, death, babies and most importantly sex. RM gets married to AB Jr., while SRK is hit by a speeding car, all at the same time.

SRK loses his million dollar football deal because he is now rendered one-leg army. While all this is happening, AB Sr., is playing a fool. Ziiiiippppppp. SRK's and PZ's marriage is pretty beat. SRK is a limping retard who trains third grade kids, while PZ is haute couture. Also, their sex life is nonexistent. AB Jr.'s sex life is also nonexistent.

Both SRK and RM are looking for the deeper meaning of life, by which, I mean, they both are looking for fuck buddies. Anyways, RM wants SRK to help him rediscover the passion in her marriage, though limping retard has other plans.

While all this is happening, PZ and AB Jr. realise that they have been ignoring their spouses and plan to revive their relationships. So, PZ and AB Jr. sleep together and so do SRK and RM.
Finally, one day, RM realizes that he is not in love with PZ anymore and so does RM, coincidentally. They both meet up at Radisson and make passionate love. The 'moral-policing-conscience' pervades all human comprehension, thereby, in a moment of utter insanity and imbecility; both RM and SRK go home and relate their passionate love making with their respective spouses.

While the respective spouses do not make the same mistake of telling RM and SRK about their sleeping patterns, they accuse them of adultery and perfidiousness. The question everyone is asking is, why did SRK and RM lie to each other about their failed marriages following their confessions.

Three years pass and AB Jr. gets married to a gori chick. At the wedding RM realises that for the last three years SRK was living all by himself and runs to the station to find him. Eventually she does and SRK asks to marry RM.

PZ was the one who really got shafted. Part Deux might have AB Sr. serenading PZ for all we know.

But till such time, please Alvida Kehna...

Yours SamarjitSinghTalwar.

* in an irrelevant news update, Agha Khan University is offering Dawood Ibrahim an honorary degree in General Nursing given the success of the galA kATo Munnabhai.

** given the popular success of the movie and inanity of the public, the director is all set to release Munnabhai I.A.S, Munnabhai as Judicial Clerk and Munnabai: The Life And Death Of Peter Puffer.

*** she wants to file for a divorce on grounds of incompatibility and irrevocable differences. While I asked her not to be silly, I heard my father add, sublime perversity.

**** the actual reason was, it would have been very difficult to run in an Abu Jani Sandeep Khosla outfit.