Yes, I could not find a suitable title to describe Team India performance over the last few weeks. I have to admit that I am not an authority on the subject of cricket like my dear friends Bartman & Riggs. While there are many blogs, sites, talk shows, news feeds and expert columns on Cricket, I think, there are enough loose balls for the legging. (Antonym of offing. Also a sport Team India will soon embrace. The sport involves dropping two ferrets into the trousers of TI. The trousers are fastened at the ankles and the belt cinched. The player who can hold the ferrets in his pants the longest is the winner. The first rule of this sport is NO UNDERPANTS. WARNING: PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME UNLESS YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL CRICKETER. Based on viewership ratings, Ajit Agarkar will have not two but three ferrets dropped into his trousers.)

Given our recent success in 1981, BCCI is planning to revise player benefits, by which, I mean, they are planning to cut them. Current benefits include businesses such as Tendulkar's, Sourav's and Bata's, Sahara India Pariwar condos to every Indian cricketer since Roger Binny at Aamby Valley City and permission to lose.

My Inside Informer caught up with the TI in SA.

• Rahul Sharad Dravid: Often spotted at after-match interviews saying, "After this resounding thirty-seventh loss, the boys have their backs against The Wall." Have you ever noticed the glimmer in his eyes when he says that bit?
  
  As a part of team motivation, the coach has asked TI to choose a song to describe them. RSD chose I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor. RSD is the worst slip fielder since VVS Laxman. Prior to World Cup 2003, we didn't have slip catchers because TI didn't have mildly-borderline-medium fast bowlers.
  
  
• Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar: What is thicker? The splice of his bat or his head? If not for Mr. Butterfingers, Kemp wouldn't have buggered our bowling attack or the lack thereof.
  Current claim to fame: The cricketer with the highest number of one-day appearances. SRT's song choice, We Are The Champions - Queen.
  
  
• Virender Sehwag: Ersatz of SRT. According to him The Corridor Of Uncertainty is a difficulty to find his way to the hotel room after a night of binge drinking.
  
  VS chose, Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who.
  
  
• Wasim Jaffer: The good omen is he was out for a duck on debut. The bad omen is that was his only chance.
  
  WJ chose, Misirlou - Dick Dale. Nobody knows why.
  
  
• Mohammad Kaif: The perfect substitute for Kumble or Ganguly. The mistake with my comparison is none of them can bat.
  
  MK might eventually end up playing the bad guy in Ekta Kapoor television soaps while offering expert advise on Cross-Batted: How To Get Out Played-On Every Single Time. MK chose, Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys.
  
  
• Dinesh Mongia: DM chose, Nessun Dorman - Luciano Pavarotti. The moron doesn't know which game he is playing.
  
  
• Suresh Kumar Raina: Another great substitute fielder option for India. Apparently, when SKR walked onto the field to bat, II heard Andre Nel say, "I don't bowl to virgins." Ha-ha.
  
  SKR chose, Do Anything You Want To – Thin Lizzy.
  
  
• Mahendra Singh Dhoni: While batting, Andrew Hall was caught on camera saying, "Well left, mate."
  
  MSD chose, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go – Wham.
  
  
• Harbhajan Singh, Ajit Bhalchandra Agarkar, Zaheer Khan, Munaf Musa Patel, Irfan Khan Pathan, Anil Kumble, Shanthakumaran Sreesanth: Given our top-order success, they are the new full-time batsmen, part-time bowlers. Not that they could bowl much anyways.
  
  Gaand Mein Danda - bodhiTree was a collective choice.
  
  
• Krishnakumar Dinesh Karthik: Not often do you see two wicket keepers play in the same game. This is a part of India's strategy to an early bird exit at the World Cup 2007.
  Nobody gives a shit what song he likes.

Yuvraj Surendra Singh must be feeling pretty good that he isn't a part of TI touring SA. Sourav Chandidas Ganguly has scored the quickest century in World Cricket yet. For more updates on it, please visit Sourav Chandidas Ganguly.

Yours well-(in)formed.

10 Things I Want To Do Before I Dye

Usually all our family dinners are rounded off by my questionnaires. That is the only time that I like to spend with my family.

Recently, at one such dinner, I passed a questionnaire titled Who Will Scry When You Die?, which incidentally is the working title of an abominable author named Robin Sharma. Even though nobody knows or understands why The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari sold so many copies, I can confirm the book has been translated into as many as 26 Indian languages. Why anybody from Orchha would want to read TMWSHF in Khariboli is beyond my realms of comprehension.

I have chronologically arranged my findings.

DAD:

1. Audrey Munson, Marion Davies, Ann Sothern, Lauren Bacall, Vivien Leigh, Kim Novak, Hedy Lamarr, Monica Bellucci, Honor Blackman and our neighbor
2. Make love to You shook me all night long (dad: the only shaking I ever get in bed is your mum tossing and turning) and last the entire song (mum)
3. To serve & volley with Anna (reverend brother) Kournikova
4. To be involved a ménage à trois full of votive flesh

BIL:

1. To educate people that Miranda rights have everything to with drinking and 100% of all drunken driving cases begin in the form of drinking. No amount of head-banging, thumb-sucking panadol will ever alter that statistic
2. To prove that the Holy Grail is a bottle of Glenfiddich Vintage Reserve 1973 and there is very little left of it
3. DUI is not a French word
4. To go to the Betty Ford Center atleast once
5. To be as famous as Humphrey Bogart, Dean Martin, Shirley MacLaine, Jerry Lee Lewis, Hank Williams, Sr., Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley.
6. To draw a semantic similarity between nautical terms and inebriation. Some of the terms include:
   
   Above board: Leaning over the ledge after one two many drinks
   Adrift: Pub hopping
   Gaff: Sound produced by sneezing with a mouthful of beer, eventually frothing at the nose. Kids, please do not try this at home
   Aid to Navigation: An un-drunk person
   Galley: A place you would find yourself for more alcohol after pubs in your city shut
   Luff: Confession of a drunk. Ex: I luff yer boofs.
7. To replace our current national anthem with Philosopher's Drinking Song
8. To educate people about the Twelve Steps program as defined by Alcoholics Anonymous. The program is as follows:
   
   1. If you are able to take twelve steps after six pints of beer, then you are eligible for another drink
   2. I am powerless over alcohol. I like the power alcohol exercises over me. Honesty deserves another drink
   3. I believe that God has invented alcohol. The Church will pay for your drink.
   4. Not to be ashamed that you belong to AA. Morality wins you another drink.
   5. To admit that you have a drinking problem. Infallibility wins you another drink.
   6. To believe that God will help you overcome your drinking problem. Between then and now, you can have another drink.
   7. Believe that God does have a cure for premature ejaculation, a.k.a, shortcomings.
   8. Willingness to pay all pub owners their rightful money. Collaboration deserves another drink.
   
   The 12 step program advocated by AA is really not a 12 step program. It is merely called a 12 step program. Usually at the end of the 12 step program, you would have had 8 more drinks technically though people tend to believe it is 12.
9. To master the art of drinking and dancing together

PONGY:

1. Learn the secret art of growing back my hymen
2. To be inside a cockpit atleast once
3. To stop using the word "whatever". Whatever
4. Change my name to Chudasma Iona
5. To start a website called http://www.loverslain.com. For the original, please visit http://www.loverslane.com
6. To educate people that based on the size of His lingam, a man is divided into three classes: hare man, bull man and horse man. Based on the depth of Her yoni, a woman is divided into three classes: deer woman, mare woman and elephant woman

I didn't find the rest of them worthy of a mention. Some of them included:

1. I want to meet Subhash Chandra Bose
2. I want to meet Indira Gandhi
3. I want to watch Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart play live
4. I want to read the entire works of Jane Austen

What were they thinking?

Yours tentatively.

The Weaks That Went Bye

I know, I know. It has been the longest time since I have posted anything new but I have my reasons and I cannot possibly tell you all about them. Telling would mean, breaking the Rose window of moral certitude.

There is a Chinese saying that says trouble and relatives never come alone. Neither do my wife and me. It has been rough sailing for the last couple of weeks because my wife now firmly believes, any problem, immaterial of size, shape, color, smell, dimension, magnitude or complexity can be solved by, this is absolutely true, eating vegetables.

I know, you are all chuckling and thinking; he is making this up, which is not entirely false. I have always tried to retain a semblance of truth. Based on her theory, every problem is associated with a vegetable. She calls it The Seven Day Vegetable Problem Solver Or Try Another Vegetable Therapy.

In a last attempt to relinquish our love, I have been eating bitter gourd for several weeks now.

30th October marked Riggs birthday. He turned thirty-five. It will be several years before the empirical value of his age will similize with his waist. Regardless, we love you, riggs.

Apparently, my BIL's sexual relations with my sister haven't been satisfying, by which, I mean, he hasn't had an opportunity. After acknowledging his need for sexual liberation and several drinks, I asked him to send me a questionnaire with his sexual problems and a promise to help him.

Given below are the questions and corresponding answers. Given his inability to use a computer, I am sure, I am in safe zone.

1. Our demanding lifestyle leaves her too tired for sex. How do we keep our sex-life live?
   
   A. Help her in the kitchen and with household chores. You might end up doing it at the Laundromatte. You can keep it live by investing in a HDR-SR1 AVC HD Handycam Camcorder though I never liked my sister on camera.
   
   
2. I have sex with your sister even though I don't really want to. Is that okay?
   
   A. Its absolutely okay with me.
   
   
3. What if I want to have sex but she doesn't?
   
   A. Wanting more sex than your wife is man-like. Don't take it personally. Don't procrastinate over the issue and ask yourself, "Am I in this only for the sex?" The truth is, many men suffer from high libido, like you. When you want to be intimate with her and she doesn't, the rejection probably has nothing to do with you or your tool size.
   
   Though the chances of having sex are reduced to 50%, you can try to flip-a-coin. Also, you may choose something that you are good at, in your case drinking, and challenge her. The winner has sex.
   
   
4. You know, I am well past middle age and so has your sister. How much is too much for us?
   
   A. No hypothetical questions. Are you drinking?

Here are some facts for you. Tells you exactly why you are lucky. Nothing has been made up, really.

• One-percent of the entire woman population in the world is allergic to semen. You can use a litmus test to find out the acidity level.
• One out of every 73 people are asexual. They would much rather cuddle up with a teddybear.
• The good part is, 2 out of those 73 women are always turned on.
• Women who eat chocolate everyday have a greater desire for sex. Exactly why your wife now needs a double bedsheet to cover her.
• Being in a relationship increases a man's urge to masturbate. The sooner you accept this truth, the better.

Yours loving BILly.

Debilitating Technology

I am not sure why my previous post is not appearing on my blogger account. Neither am I able to post any comments on it. Can someone please help?